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I Can't Win....ever

Is there anyone out there who, like me, lives with a grown child? You know the kind....has a tantrum when he doesnt get his way, hurls curse words at you as though he just learned them, Rips you a new one over something minor. A frustrated, angry at the world individual who thinks everyone is out to get him and everyone owes him something and everyone else is just plain stupid. Do you find yourself in survival mode most of the time? Running interference so the jerk doesnt get upset only to have him get upset because you were running interference. This happened to me today and it aint new nor pretty. Let me explain.

I paid a bill without telling him. No, it wasnt a shopping bill (no new shoes, makeup or cute outfit). It was condo dues for the condo complex our college age son lives in. When the bill came due I decided to write the check and send it in so I WOULD NOT have to hear about how the condo place is ripping us off. I also thought, stupidly I might add, that he might, just might be glad I took care of it instead of bothering him with it.Au contrar my friends. He cursed me out, in front of my family (one 12 y/o) and told me I was irresponsible with money and should have talked to him before I paid it because the condo place is ripping us off. He reamed me for a good hour, then refused to attend a picnic our son was hosting. He is now pouting some 4 hours later. I am amazed at this behavior and I have been married to this !@#$head for 25 years.

Frankly, I feel the spirit in which I paid the bill should say to a normal person "Hey, I was thinking of you and trying to help out." And the normal person would say "Hey, thanks so much. I really feel these folks are ripping us off though. Would you call them on Monday and make sure the dues were applied properly to our account. Next month, you dont need to pay it. I will take care of it. Thanks again, I see you were trying to help me." Thats not what I got though. No sirree. I got verbally crapped on for an hour over this. And guess what...he didnt stop there. When he couldnt think of anything else to say about the bill he started in on my family. Called them every name in the book. Why? Your guess would be as good as mine. Really...I mean it. Your guess is as good as mine.

You know, every time I have tried this survival tactic....do something nice for the SOB then maybe he will be happy for one minute, it backfires. Am I crazy....IS THIS NORMAL?
bosco49 bosco49 46-50 16 Responses May 21, 2011

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I feel exactly the same way, I know you posted this long ago but things like this happen to me everyday in my marriage too. today I decided to meet my husband for lunch on base (hes military) so I got al dressed up on my day off and went up there and got to base at 1130 and send him a text that said "here when your ready" seeing as I was early I went to the post office to send a package to my nephew for his bday. my husband calls me at 11:50 yelling "where are you"!!!?? and I said at the post office ill be there in a few and he continues to reem me out because I wasn't waiting outside when he was 10 mins early to begin with, so the line was long infront of my at the post office so I just left and called him to let him know I was gonna be there in about 3 minutes and then he continued to chew me out because he said he wished I would of told him I was gonna take so long because he wouldn't of left work otherwise, at the end of all of this we sat down for lunch at 12:02!!!! 2 minutes after the planned time. I just cant win, alls I ask for is a man who sees the beauty in me and the great things I do for him, whats wrong with "ok babe take your time I have an hour lunch" "hey im glad you drove 20 minutes here just to have lunch with me on your day off" " you look nice!"....but no, nothing nice like that

I know this post is a few years old now and I am really just posting to get something off my chest that keeps floating around my head making me feel insane! I am 24 years old, divorced from my husband with whom I have 2 children. My ex-husband and I do not get on (he cheated and left me 6 months after our wedding with a 3yr old and 5 month old baby), but I try to be civil for the sake of my sons, I don't want them to see the animosity that I saw between my parents growing up. I met my boyfriend about 6 months after we split and everything was perfect for the first year, then it started going downhill. Fast-forward another year and I am stuck with a man whom my children ADORE, who I am reliant on financially as I am doing a long-distance degree between looking after my family. My boyfriend flips his lid on a daily basis over the slightest things and when I get upset about the atmosphere and try to fix things, he withdraws all affection and stares blankly at the tv, giving me one word answers and grunts as I attempt to calm him down with normal 'chit-chat'. More recently his big issue is that my ex is sitting smugly whilst he tries to ruin our lives... My ex, whilst being highly irritating and doing things to upset me, has not actually done anything to my boyfriend EVER, yet apparently he's out to get him. A few weeks ago I was confronted by a friend of my ex and a verbal argument ensued, as I walked away my boyfriend got involved and ended up being punched... By the morning you would have thought HE was the one confronted, he became the victim of the story, it was forgotten that I was even there and he began plotting his revenge upon my ex (who wasn't even involved) because "he must have put him up to it"! The final straw has come this evening when we discovered that my sister has been hanging out with my ex-husband and his girlfriend (whom he cheated on me with). I am understandably devastated at the betrayal I feel from my sister who I thought understood how my heart had been broken by my divorce, I turn to my boyfriend, expecting a shoulder to cry on and some comforting words to ease my pain, and was met by nothing but anger, pointless insults about my entire family and a rant about how much my sister has disrespected him! I feel so very alone and at a loss as to what to do, I don't think I can explain to my children again why they have to say goodbye to a man they think of as their 2nd father and I don't know how I will manage financially but I can't keep walking on eggshells around this man who doesn't seem to even know my feelings exist. :-(

Hello,
You wrote this more than a year ago...I found it by googling "husband sucks the life out of me"... read your words - and feel like they are mine... I'm so sorry... You aren't crazy...
My husband's immediate response if I question his knee jerk anger.... "there's just not something right with you..."
Hang in there... I'm in survival mode too...

are you talking about my husband? i dont know how it ended up this way. I feel as if hes hurting me on purpose. nothing i do is good enough. damn if i do damn if i dont. its like being with a very immature person who cuts me down because it makes him feel good about himself. i have lost every inch of respect for him. he makes me unhappy so im leaving. i deserve to be love and be in love with someone.

Take me with you!!!!

7Mel - I'm not staying because I have to. My children are grown and on their own, successfully I might add. I'm at a point in my life that I am not going to be bullied by these imbiciles that I live with. When I decide to put a plan in action and move on I will. I have disengaged myself from their crap. I have no influence in my husband's kids lives as they do not understand authority. He does not discipline them, he allowed his 16 year old daughter to choose to be illerate, and by that I mean, she decided this year that she just didn't want to do the work in 10th grade so consequently she has failed the whole year. His nearly 21 year old son bullied his way back into this house in January, no job, no skills, walks around in a red cape down to the floor and wants to know when his dad can take him to WalMart to get some stupid crap at our expense. I could go on and on about the idiosy of this household. It's like watching a movie. When I get sick of the entertainment, so to speak, I will move on. Right now, because of the economy and my age, I'm unemployed after working everyday of my adult life. I will figure this out to my benefit not theirs. Thanks for posting. Peace.

Leave. Don't say you can't, you can do anything you want. Get out of the abuse and take a stand! You are a person, a gift to this world. Everyone deserves a certain level of respect and your not getting it! Leave! I was raised in an abusive home. My mother stayed because it was easier for her and she didn't want to break up the family. At twelve I asked here why she took the abuse why doesn't she just leave. She took my advise and we left. It was hard but it was harder to watch her take The abuse... not physical, verbal. On the other hand my father would beat my older brother. Instead of leaving she had my brother live with our grandparents at the age of 16. He is forever screwed up emotionally. If you think you are saving your children by staying you are wrong. You are teaching them to be abusers or to submit to an abuser. Your are not a better person for staying. I have more respect for my mother for getting out and providing for us. He didn't pay one dime in child support. It was hard, and as a teenage girl I was hard on her because we were poor, but she did it! She is now retired, she travels the world and supports herself comfortably in California. she is doing well enough to offer to help her financially if needed. Where is my father? Living on welfare somewhere. He (20 years later) wants a relationship with me. But he ran for his responsibility. He put all of his assets in someone else's name so he wouldn't lose them to my mother. Well that person betrayed my father and kept all of his assets. I am proud of my mother. Break free of your chains and get out in the world and start living! God helps those who help themselves. It will be difficult but you make your future not your abusive husbands!

Leave. Don't say you can't, you can do anything you want. Get out of the abuse and take a stand! You are a person, a gift to this world. Everyone deserves a certain level of respect and your not getting it! Leave! I was raised in an abusive home. My mother stayed because it was easier for her and she didn't want to break up the family. At twelve I asked here why she took the abuse why doesn't she just leave. She took my advise and we left. It was hard but it was harder to watch her take The abuse... not physical, verbal. On the other hand my father would beat my older brother. Instead of leaving she had my brother live with our grandparents at the age of 16. He is forever screwed up emotionally. If you think you are saving your children by staying you are wrong. You are teaching them to be abusers or to submit to an abuser. Your are not a better person for staying. I have more respect for my mother for getting out and providing for us. He didn't pay one dime in child support. It was hard, and as a teenage girl I was hard on her because we were poor, but she did it! She is now retired, she travels the world and supports herself comfortably in California. she is doing well enough to offer to help her financially if needed. Where is my father? Living on welfare somewhere. He (20 years later) wants a relationship with me. But he ran for his responsibility. He put all of his assets in someone else's name so he wouldn't lose them to my mother. Well that person betrayed my father and kept all of his assets. I am proud of my mother. Break free of your chains and get out in the world and start living! God helps those who help themselves. It will be difficult but you make your future not your abusive husbands!

If I had to spend two weeks at the beach with mine I would drown myself. This morning he's laying in the bed, his 20 year old son is laying in the bed and his two twins will be back home from school at 11:00am to lay in the bed. Summer is here and that's all this family knows how to do is lay in the bed, ***** and complain amongst themselves when they're up, eat everything in sight (i have to hide stuff in my room) and wait on Dad's disability check to arrive on Saturday so they can spend it all and then lay in the bed until next week. Fun huh? I really hate that I ever allowed this leech in my life.

I can empathize with you. It is exhausting to live with my husband. His very presence sucks the life out of me. I am a housewife so I have most days to myself and thats like heaven! But the minute I hear the car door I seize up. I go into survival mode, put on my best actress face and pray my way through the evening . The minute he walks in my day is over. He takes the air out of the room and it is all about him. The complaining, paranoia, and childish fits start. Everything about him gets on my nerves...and I mean everything. I have to really grit my teeth to stand it. UGH! Im so glad the weekend is over because the weekends are the worst. He is around all of the time and I want to scream. We have a two week beach vacation coming up. I dont know how I will make it through that. I may drown myself.

Your friend is right. At this point in life with these kind of difficulties in our relationships there is so much more to consider before putting ourselves out there with unknown problems. At least we know what we are up against and can maintain in survival mode. For me it is physically and mentally exhausting. I know I should stop being so self absorbed in myself with all this but I just don't have it in me right now to do what I know and that is to find others to help. I feel like being selfish I guess and that brings me down. Another part of the damage to me is being around others, I find I don't even have anything to say because I've lived so long in this quagmire it has stagnated my interest in other things.

A friend told me recently that if I were to leave I would just be trading one set of problems for another set of problems. Another friend told me that if he has said he would be fair with me in a divorce (he has said that) to not believe him. He is probably lying. based on how he treats those that love him, I think she is right. Someone who craps all over the people in his life cannot be trusted to do the right thing by them...ever. So, Like you ladybugvd, Im staying...for now at least. The joy in my life is meted out in 8 hour increments...the 8 hours he is at work and the 8 hours he sleeps at night. The rest of the time and the weekends I am an emotional zombie. Just breathing in and out...thats it. Its exhausting though, isnt it? Living with someone who sucks the very life out of me takes everything Ive got.

My picking skills were thwarted by lies and deceit. He presented himself to me, family and friends as an upstanding man. We married and a year later we relocated to his hometown. I did not know what kind of person he really was. Before we married, I visited several times, met his family and didn't pick up on any clues that he was somebody different than who I thought he was, I even did a background check on him when we first started seeing each other. I was elated that we had found each other later in life and looked forward to building a life with him, boy was I surprised within 3 months of relocating. He and his ex, who he was in contact with on a daily basis, were prescription drug addicts, unbeknownst to me. I found out by accident one day looking up information on our health care benefits. What I found was him doctor hopping to the tune of 33 visits to offices within a 3 month timeframe. I was stunned. Without going into all the details of that, I discovered he, his ex and her mother were all addicts and in cahoots keeping each other supplied. His ex ended up ODing and is now in a nursing home for the rest of her life and she's not even 40 yrs. old. He has 3 kids that are emotionally disturbed from living in those conditions and all have arrested developments. They are hateful, meanspirited, no social skills, no friends except for the 16 yr. old girl who has taken up with a 19 year old flaming homo that has tried to commit suicide several times, no intellect whatsoever. I have no chance in hell in making a difference in their lives as their father has no control over his own household and the three of them run rampant doing whatever they like day in and day out. I know how I ended up in this mess. I was deceived. He made me believe I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he was the most attentive and caring human being that ever walked the face of the earth. I followed my heart and got into this mess. Today I don't see things ever being close to the same as I thought it was and I spend my days regretting I ever laid eyes on him. I hate wasting my life like this but I've comed to terms within myself and have decided I'm not uprooting and running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to re-start. One day I will have to do that I know, but right now, if he can put up with my coldness and indifference to it all, more power to him. I'm not going to lay in the street and die over this. I've gotten way past the heartache of losing the love I thought we had. Peace to all of you ladies.

Do you ever escape in your mind with thoughts of how you would live your life if he werent in it? I feel I have to stay in this mainly miserable situation because of finances but I do OFTEN daydream about how my life would go if I left. I can imagine peace for the first time in my adult life. It makes me sad to think that this was my choice and this nut job is what I ended up with. He is a good provider and can be quite generous (when he feels bad about how he has behaved). Abusers tend to be generous after the fact, dont they. Even verbal abusers. I feel sorry for him. It must be miserable to be him. Unable to handle life normally, easily frustrated and angered. Lacking in social skills, no friends, unable to converse intelligently in a social setting due to a lack of skill and intellect. He doesnt even get why he has no friends and as a result of him having no social contacts he is highly critical of my friends and family. His family is quite dismissive of him. He is just now, at age 51, figuring that out. As that has dawned on him he has started in on my family, who, by the way, have been nothing but supportive of him. He has been so rude to them they are starting to just tolerate him. He is jealous, petty, revengeful, a grudge holder, filthy mouthed, not compassionate, selfish, paranoid, unable to see his own contribution to his own misery, negative, loser. Of course, this doesnt speak well for my "picking" skills! In my defense, I was only 24 at the time. I dont know....I guess I will just bide my time. Rejoicing when he isnt around and marking off the days like an inmate when he is. How did we end up here, ladies? Miserable because of a bill getting paid or a dead tree being cut down. Unbelievable, when you think about it.

My husband sounds like yours. I like an organized life, i.e pay bills on time, have groceries in the house, fuel in the tank etc. To me, and other 'normal' people, this way allows life to be less hectic and more pleasant than scurring around like a squirrel each day. My husband is an opiate addict. He thinks everything is hunky dorey and then when he doesn't have his supply in him he starts in about me being OCD because I pay bills, buy groceries etc., ******* about his daughter failing high school, ******* about his 20 yr. old son that dropped out of high school and now finds himself with no skills to get a job, ******* about his ex leaving him with the responsibilites of raising kids, ******* that his ex MIL is a *****, it goes on and on. I want to punch him in the face when he starts this ****, I have no compassion for his ***. He got himself hooked on the crap and doesn't care that he's created a living hell for the rest of us around him. I wouldn't shed a tear if he dropped dead today. I'm not moving out. And the reason, I didn't create this **** and I'm not putting myself through the turmoil of all that would cause for me. I used to try to 'fix' everything and keep peace in the house. Now, I don't give a **** about anybody in this household. They are all evilminded, evilspirited and mentally ill people that thrive on negative, each and everyday. I have disengaged from all the drama. Now I only have contempt for him and his obstinance. I'm going on vacation for at least a month away from this hell hole.

I am still getting hell for the tree I had removed from the front of our house last August . He started with that this morning and built up to a yelling diatribe on all the things I have done against him. The tree was a 100 year old sugar maple, hollow inside, that split completely in half. The one side came down one morning half on the street, half in the yard, resting on the fence. I called a tree guy to have him clean it up because, well it would stay like that otherwise, until we either died or moved away. My man would never touch a chainsaw. The guy recommended getting the rest of it cut down so I told him to go ahead. No thanks for handling the mess for him, no, my husband will never let me hear the end of it. Married 29 years.

sounds like we are married to the same jerk