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Why Won't He Get A Job?

I am so frustrated with the idiot who I have the misfortune to call my husband.  He has only worked about 4 months of the 12 years we have been married.  We have 2 special needs children who require alot of therapy.  Therapy equals money and I have had to shoulder all of the financial responsibility for the entire family on my own.  Of course stupid husband keeps telling me to stop the "damn" therapies because its costing money he rather spend on vacation or something.  I refuse to do so.  Up until last year I made a pretty good living but recently my salary saw a drastic reduction and I can no longer do it on my own.  Stupid husband did finally get a job but quit after 2 months.   His reason for quitting?  He didn't like it.  Who works because they like their job?  I work because I have to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomaches, all of which we are in danger of losing.  I keep asking him to look for another job, that our lives depend on it.  He says fine, always in a very put-out, angry way, like I'm asking him to do something horrible.  Of course he hasn't made any effort to look for a job.  I'm not sure what he does all day.  I called him this afternoon from work at around 2 o'clock and it sounded like he was just coming out of a nap! I just cannot stand to see him doing nothing all day!  It drives me crazy!  And to make matters worse, his family will be coming for their yearly visit soon.  He doesn't even have the decency to tell me when they'll be here.  When I ask, he responds with "what do you care?"  His family lives abroad.  When they come, they stay, (at my house) for over a month.  If I'm not perfectly nice to them at all times, he gets crazy mad at me.  They usually (just them, without me) go on an extended trip out of town that I have to pay for.  I've asked his parents to intervene on my and the children's behalf and to speak to him about getting a job.  They got so mad at me.  Called me a horrible wife.  Said I was disrespecting my husband and told me they would do no such thing!  His whole family is nuts, especially his crazy mother.  He got his stupid from her too.  Yesterday, we got into another fight about him getting a job.  It started out casually enough but escalated pretty fast.  He told me that he doesn't like to work and if we are short money, than I better look for a second job.  He was driving and we were all in the car so I bit my tongue for fear he'd do something stupid if he got madder.  He's still mad at me today.  He didn't look at me or speak to me the whole night.  He just sat and pouted and gave me the cold shoulder and basically just acted like a stupid spoiled child.  He then took himself upstairs and put himself in our son's room and told my son to go sleep in my room.  He always does this.  Acts like I did something horrible to him and he punishes me by giving me the silent treatment and then refuses to sleep with me, as if I would want his stupid body next to mine!  He really is not a good person.  There really is no redeeming quality about this guy.  Every few weeks he tells me he hates me and that he'll divorce me.  I've always been the one to try to smooth things over with him because it stresses my kids out so much to see us fighting.  Once he did leave and didn't come back for several days.  My kids went crazy.  They were beside themselves.  They cried and cried and asked to see daddy.  It broke my heart.  I want to be strong and tell him to leave.  But when I think of my kids, I just can't.  I really have to judge my own sanity at this point.  Who would keep a guy like this around even with children involved?  I may be crazier than my stupid husband. 
imarriedaloser imarriedaloser 41-45 12 Responses Jan 10, 2012

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Ladies, you have to change this situation and stop waiting for your husbands to change. After all, why should they change? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. I was in this same situation at one time and I set a time limit for myself that was acceptable and reasonable which was the twelfth month for me. I did not divorce him, but I did take my children and move to a place of our own which forced his hand. It's a little difficult to stay home and watch tv/play video games all day when you have no home and electricity. The result? He had a job within two months. I made him work at that job until the sixth month before I allowed him to move back in. This was fourteen years ago and he is still working. I know it's scary, believe me I do. But, in the end we cannot change someone else's behavior, only the way we react to it. If we change, this in turn forces a change from them. Besides, if he does remain unemployed once he's out on his own he won't have resources so what makes you think he will have thousands of dollars to fight for anything beyond a fair visitation schedule anyway? Be strong ladies. you deserve more and your children deserve a much better example from their father.

I too am married to a jobless bum. I enable this behavior by providing him with health insurance, cigarettes, gym membership, expensive truck payment, etc. if I kick him out he will have to move in with his alcoholic mom and crack addict brother and my child will be exposed to that every other weekend. However, I also feel like my son is growing up watching his dad behave this way and thinks it is normal. My son will grow up and do the same thing to another woman!
My advice to you is when he leaves for vacation with his family for a month, pack up and leave. Your kids will get over it with time. Easier said than done, right?

Wow. And I thought my husband was bad. Hopefully by now you have been able to leave him. I too have a stupid lazy husband. I am miserable and have been for so many years and I have children as well although they are getting older. I have no family to help me if I do leave him and am afraid of being on my own even though he doesn't really contribute very much. He lost is job 3 years ago (one of so many jobs I lost count) and hasn't gotten another one. He helps me at my job but I am worn out and if he would just get a job I could cut back on my hours plus we might actually be able to pay our bills on time. He treats me like I'm some kind of an idiot and EVERY time I ask him to do something he sighs real loud and mumbles something under his breath because he has to get his fat *** out of bed to help me. He lays in bed and watches tv all the time. I sleep on the couch because he won't allow me to watch anything on tv in our room and he passes gas just to get me to leave the room. I know he is using me for a place to live because he has never had anything so he doesn't know what it's like to want nice things and is content as long as he has his mountain dew and cigarettes. I could go on and on and on about the things he has done and the kind of person he is but I think you get an idea. I hope you can get the strength to leave your husband. I know it's very hard to do especially when you have kids. Is he good with your kids? You just have to remember that you are important and you can do it. There has to be a better life out there it just takes the courage to go out and get it. Good luck!

Although u think of your children you gotta think about your self too. I dont think its right that you have to support him when he is the man. He has no right to tell you to stop therapy. He should be embarrased that his wife has the pants. If anything I would leave him...your wasting money and time on him when all your money and time belong to you kids. Then he'll realize that you guys are worth working for.

I've been married 3 years and my husband works but makes crap, $7k last year alone. I pay all the bills, pay his car insurance, his cell phone.. like I said- all the bills. He does nothing but run his mouth about how he's GOING to get a better job and stop leaving all the financial burden on me and the NEVER does anything about finding another/ better job. I guess is am screwed from reading all these posts- he will never change, never get a better job and I just need to leave him. UGH...

Divorce really does destroy kids...just continue to live like this until they are grown. And when the kids fly away, DIVORCE THE BUM....embrace your life and YOUR freedom.

I am sorry but kids are much happier in a one parent home than a home with 2 parents that don't get along and why should she waste one more minute of her life with that loser? Really?!

"doinitover" √√√√√√

Something tells me you have the fury in you that the previous poster shared. I think we all have it. The problem is that life is simply not that straight forward. We all want to believe we're powerful enough to not only give that kind of advice, but also to act on it. That's where things get convoluted, though.



This is the first time I've ever posted anything, so, please, forgive me if I misstep with my verbiage or style.



This year, I will have been married to a man for 29 years. Every single year I tell myself, things will get better. He has a great job, makes good money, but won't go to work. He's used every loophole possible to keep from having to get up, walk out the door, and earn a paycheck. He may work half the time he should be--if I'm lucky. He doesn't get fired, because the huge company for which he works has to follow so many legal rules regarding time off, he happily takes his free ride most of the time. When I bring it up, he, like your husband, gets so offended. He feels "I'm attacking" him. Somehow, in his own mind, he twists his screwed up brain into thinking that I'm the selfish one, because all I care about is money, otherwise I wouldn't be on him about this issue. It really blows me away--almost to the verge of hysterical laughter. Like you, I work, but I don't make a lot of money, but I work hard, and on some days, very long hours. I used to make a lot more, but hated the work, and anytime I got a raise/promotion, he just wanted to me to keep making more, so he could stay home even more often. When I got laid off last time, I decided to get a job I love, instead of one that helps him vacation longer. Anyway, that's my baggage. This is about you.



There are a few points I'd like to make as concisely as possible.



Please consider your children, and not in the way you may think. I have two grown sons who are fantastic. I spent a great deal of time trying to raise them to be the best they could and to be happy. What I didn't expect or foresee as a result of my staying with their dad, is that one of my sons has shown that he will put up with almost anything from a woman. It never entered my head that if I raised my kids to have confidence, to love, to receive love, blah, blah, blah, that either one would turn out like me--a person who has and still puts up with too much. Unintentionally, staying in a bad situation simply teaches your kids that giving nothing in relationships is okay. It isn't okay.



Know that for the most part, people do not change. Yes, behaviors can change, but core values tend to stay the same. Either decide you can live with it or decide you can't. It is a very, very hard question, but it's one you must answer, if only to yourself right now. I try not to vent to my friends about my marriage too much, because the fact is, so far I've stayed, I know what the problems are, I know I can't fix them or change them, so there is no way I'm going to feel sorry for myself. Instead, I've begun focusing on my needs as a human being. I quit drinking (started doing that to problem solve--don't do it.), I'm getting healthy, maintaining great friendships, making plans to start working out, again, and, above all, I don't allow myself to feel bad in any way just because he wants to live an irresponsible, uncaring life. In a nutshell, I'm preparing myself to leave. Yes, the money is a problem, but my attitude won't be.



Make sure you give to yourself all the things you deserve. Please do not think if you change a certain behavior in yourself or say something just the right way when you're trying to make a point, that things could get better. God, the hours I've cried, gotten angry, been sympathetic, empathetic, aloof, appalled, optimistic . . . and nothing ever worked--and, it never will. I choose to keep the optimistic side of me, but I'm done walking into the brick wall I hit anytime I need to "talk" about it. Something tells me you know that wall.



Your kids may or may not understand. How many things did we not understand about our lives until we had our own kids? They're a great resource for personal growth. It's very scary, but so true. Take away the emotional pain you feel when you see your kids cry for their dad when he's gone and determine whether teaching them to deserve respect in their lives is more important than a temporary dark and difficult time in their lives. It may sound harsh, but it sounds like your kids are already challenged in life. Please help them to grow into teenagers and adults who know that they should be respected as people. Your heart will break if you see one of them get mistreated and/or used in the future. Do you want either one to be with a person like their dad? Well, I know exactly how you're answering that question. I just wish I'd thought of that question a very long time ago.



My sons and I are extremely close. The older one who is in his latish 20's, told me that when he was young, he was so angry with me, because I didn't leave dad. How could I "let him treat me the way he did?"



The only thing that's changed in this relationship over 30 years--mostly married years--has been me. With my change in self, he's changed his responses and behaviors towards me, because he knows I won't start crying, worry that he'll leave me and panic, feel absolute devastation because I think he doesn't love me, anymore . . . No, now I have my confidence, friends, job, dogs, family, kids, and a million other reasons to BE happy. Next step . . . adios!



Now, here's the part most people either DO NOT UNDERSTAND or just haven't experienced this kind of thing. Your guy probably isn't a bad person! In fact, he just may be a lot of fun, sometimes, loving ("in his own way"), great with the kids . . . that's where the tough stuff comes in. Your decision will be very hard. I have to go right now, but plan on getting back to you. Please take care.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. Doinitover, I don't know you but I am very happy for you that you have found the inner strength and peace that comes with that strength. I wish you luck and happiness.
On another note, I understand what you said about inadvertantly teaching your kids to put up with too much from a partner. I have worried about my daughter ending up like me and my son turning out just like his dad. But like you said, my husband is not entirely bad. I know he is not a bad person, just a bad husband. I haven't been on these boards recently because the last couple of weeks he seemed to be "trying", but then today he tells me that he blames me for the way that he is. He said that I have noone to blame but myself for him not working. Talk about being on the verge of hysterical laughter! He is now sulking in my son's room, refused to eat dinner with us and won't talk to any of us. I hate this cycle of abuse! I pray for strength and the guts to leave him.

uh.. LEAVE HIM!

what the hell are you waiting for?

you're the one earning money, so you have the power to leave and dump him in the ****. then he'll HAVE to get a job.

I honestly can't believe you've put up with such a nasty human being for so long.

xDear Lady. I have read and re-read your initial post and your reply. I could not answer immediately because I do not want to be glib about your situation. It is a very painful situation for you, and indeed even for him. Please understand that I am not a professional counsellor and ultimately you have to make your own decisions. I will, however, relate my sincere feelings to you.



After considering your two posts, I felt like I was watching a kind of football match, rugby in particular. On one side there was your husband, his mother, "his family" from abroad, your children's affections for him, your own hopes for him, and your own developing bitter feelings. On the other team, it seems that there is only you and your good wifely and motherly sense of responsibility. Please notice that I felt that your bitterness is probably working against you, but you can at least deal with that by taking rational steps to adjust the balances.



I thought of many ways to approach change, but there are so many things I do not know about you and your husband. One question that comes to mind is, "Is there a deep cultural divide regarding family expectations?" It seems amazing, from my (our) cultural perspective that he is supported by his mother and "family from abroad" in these behaviours. Are your family traditions so different, or is his family just truly crackers? Either way it is difficult, but if there are fundamental traditional value differences, it might at least be understood better... and either way, it might well mean there is no way to stay together.



From his perspective, you have become the enemy. I think that deep down he knows this is not true, but he is so defensive and that means potentially aggressive, and you are the nearest and easiest person to blame for all of his troubles and perceived weaknesses. Then, as you try to fix things, he becomes more entrenched in his behaviours, I guess. It must seem impossible to provide solutions just because anything you suggest sounds to him like another accusation. Believe me, I know you are not intending to be an accuser. It is his state of mind that is making things so. Nevertheless, this probably means that the answers about his personal condition cannot come from you... everything will sound like a demand rather than a solution. Besides, he is possibly technically depressed.



I would like to think that there was an local "expert" who could help him but I do not know of such people, except those that can give him an excuse to change or to escape or drugs. (My apologies to therapists and experts, but I have not seen your value yet. I have seen great pride, knowallishness and bills, but not real healing... I would like to have better information on this subject.)



I think one of the other things you are up against is your own expectations, and this is where I think you can help yourself the most. You have pretty much stopped expecting him to change. And it seems that you may given that expectation enough time already. Perhaps it is proven that, under the present circumstances, he cannot change. If that is true, and since you seem to be the only decision maker now, I think you have to change the circumstances to give you all a chance to get more out of life. That will involve some pain... as you expect. But I think the initial pain of necessary decisions at this point in your life is better than the endless pain of this ongoing situation.



Perhaps it is with you that a certain kind of expert can help. I mean, you need to find the best way to release yourself from your husband and all his family baggage, while still doing the best you can for your children. See if you can put together a plan, with good advice, that releases him and you from the situation. I think he needs to be left to stand on his own two feet, to at least "man up" for himself, to find himself again or perhaps for the first time. You cannot be his life! Access to the children should not be a problem since you are very sympathetic to their affection for him. But I do feel he needs to become responsible at least for himself, alone. In other words, you would be doing him a favour to separate and build your life without dependence on him and by removing his capacity to live without responsibility. This is not life for him either. You need this so you can have a future, even though it will have other difficulties.



I really hope you can find some joy, even while you are in the process of rebuilding.



Best wishes.

I do not disagree with ... I just have some questions. One is, Do you know why he became like this? You seem to feel something for him, I mean something positive... almost as if you know he could be different, worthy. Why do you still believe in this man?

You seem to be a very caring, kind and forgiving person. Most of us would say, Throw him out! But I get the feeling that you have some pity for him still, and not just for your children's sake. If there is something in you that still loves him, you might want to use that channel to view him for a while.

I wonder if you are feeling his desperation. As a man he might well feel completely humiliated, incapable and and unworthy. He might also be socially or actually "willing not to live anymore" but also feeling that your children need a father.

Please explore these areas too.

In the end, my wife rightly divorced me and rebuilt her life. It was the right thing for her to do. She did that with compassion, but with firmness, unavoidable pain and hope.

When or if you see that your husband really is just a *****, please leave asap and live. Best wishes.

When I read your post I almost fell off my chair. You are extremely perceptive. I can't believe how close to the truth you came with only my original post. Somedays I do feel sorry for him. I do get that he must be feeling helpless and humilated. But the bottom line is I truly need his help in order for our family to stay afloat. He truly needs to man up and I just don't know what to do to get him over his fear of whateve it is that is preventing him from being a productive member of this family. I feel like he's just waiting for me to come up with a solution to our financial trouble. Only, I've run out of solutions. Another thing that really is a problem is that he is way over sensitive. He got upset today because the kids did not do something he told them to do and blamed me for that. He said I've trained them to think of him as a loser. He fixed dinner only for himself, did not feed the kids and when I got home, locked himself in our son's room where he is again hiding out and ignoring the rest of us. I've had to help the kids with their homework, cook dinner, clean up and only just now have some time to sit and relax. It gets really, really upsetting. I do keep hoping things will get better but it never does.

How old are your kids? What has he done for YOU lately, comes to my mind? Come on girl don't be this *****'s doormat. If your kids are old enough to communicate with you, then you need to explain the situation and make a decision to leave this low life bastard. You can take care of yourself and your kids and if it's a house with a mortgage tell his *** to leave. Stupid *** men and their stupid *** families are a drain on decent women. You don't deserve to have to live this way.