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Trapped!

I always thought I was stronger, that I had a certain "gumption" unlike many, and I'd take on the world one day. Sadly though, I am quite literally trapped by my "husband." I can barely get out, have a life, money, friends, independence, nor any confidence whatsoever. Although these are things I desperately want I am not allowed to.
I am a stay at home mother and love my children. I love being home with them and cherish them more than anything. I wish I could do something with my time at home with them but after two attempts to take online classes I ended up with two broken laptops (computers I was never allowed to own in the first place. They were gifts) I am not permitted to have money and he will make any excuse to use money that is given to me. At a moments notice if I'm not "acting right" he confiscates my keys, phone, and wallet for any amount of time as he pleases. I am unable to speak on the phone when he is at home unless I am prepared for a long night of commands or name calling. Finding a job is out of the question, and even if I could find something it would HAVE TO BE something so demeaning as to not threaten his authority and the money would have to go to him yet I would still have no say or knowledge of finances. Getting work is even harder since childcare would be entirely too expensive and he is a plumber and on-call quite often. Also, as I had mentioned, I would see nothing in return for it other than the loss of many hours away from the kids
He has whatever he wants in life. His family (Italian and overbearing. His mother has all of the say on purchases in my household from the woman's standpoint), his friends (which I have never socialized with as I stay at home with the kids), he goes to his martial arts school after work, he is gone constantly and I'm home, just me and the little ones. Oh and then there's the pot. He spends all of the money carelessly. The children and i sacrifice.
What makes it worse is my family and friends are a few states away. There are no sitters, no one to talk to, and the only outing I have is to buy groceries once a week (and he'll check the time on the receipt if I'm out too long). I have absolutely no say when it comes to my children and he tries to turn them against me, so does his family.
He is mean, hateful, and tries to convince me that I'm crazy. He is mentally and emotionally abusive (not physically although he did lock me outside barefoot in the snow for nearly an hour when I was quite pregnant) I am the one who has tried to have a family over and over again, to do the right thing, and make the sacrifices hoping he'd follow my lead. Instead, he's taken advantage of me and treats me like he owns me. He believes he does. I just want to be free and get away from him. I want to go home. The threatens if i leave I won't be able to go home and that I'll have to stay within 30 miles of him or I'll never have the kids. I just dont know how to get out. I want to be free again.
hope2morrow hope2morrow 26-30, F 6 Responses Apr 23, 2012

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U have an opportunity to leave when he is gone, try to find a shelter (further away if u can) u are being abused and controlled he HAD NO RIGHT to smash your property so u can gain something Get away he is total bad news

sidin .....what happened to the money for ur home, u sold ...

I am in the same situation. I have been married for 18yrs. My husband moved us into his mothers home which is in terrible conditon. No hot water, heat during the winter, no stove, dealing with pestilence. We always had a beautiful home. He provided for our children. We sold our home and moved in with his mom because his father was diagnosed with small cell cancer. He died. His mother is 66 years old and just drains the life out of her son. Always in the middle of our marriage in our home..She will not let her son go because she doesn't want him to leave her here at her house now that her husband is gone. She is selfish, negative, demeaning. She will not get funding to help her fix her house. My husband gives her nothing for staying us staying with her. My two sons 17 and 18 have been living here for three years now. Sleeping on the floor. Now dealing with a bed bug infestation that my husband will not properly treat because his mother does not want to spray or throw the couch out that is infested with them. I am being bitten by them.<br />
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I went through school. Have a medical assitance certification, patient care and an associates degree in computers. Once I enrolled in school and maintained a 4.0 gpa getting scholarships to continue he became jealous. He is a full-time realtor but has not been productive in years. He will not get a full time job to support his children the way he needs. He even went and enrolled in school full time and casted our needs and provisons away. We recieve food assistance and health insurance from welfare. I am very sick. My health has become bad because of the terrible living conditions here. The cold my body has been enduring, cold water getting washed up in, not eating properly because of no stove and just cooking on a little burner. I am on 19 medications for severe depression, I have got myself off of many of them, refusing to take them because I have never been on depressants until this situation.<br />
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I am now seeing a psychologist to wean me off of Effexor which is the worst anti depressant for withdraws. I get brain and body shocks, just sick. I keep taking steps forward. I went back to my school and had my resume done and ready to go. He will not give me anything financially to help me to leave here. I have to get off of these depressants that I don't need to get myself back. I tried to kill myself on mother's day by overdosing on Ambien. He almost let me die in the house because he refused to come to me upstairs and call an ambulance. My oldest son and my mother got me there by calling. My husband has raped me while under the influence of Ambien. I told our, well his pastor now.. I no longer attend the same church as him, which we attended together with our family for 14 years. I reached out to tell his pastor in an email what we were living in and how my husband is mistreating me and my children , also how he raped me while under the influence of Ambien. The pastor told me that he was disappointed in me and that there are no blessings for me aside from Jesus Christ because I have chosen not to follow the christian faith. My husband attends church still like everything is ok.. he is in the ministry still. I just can't believe this.<br />
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I have gone to Women In Transitions, no help, Women Against Domestic Violence. Now I am going to go to Women Against Abuse and surround myself with other women who are going through or has gone through where I'm at. I was told that I can not file for a divorce from him here in Philadelphia, PA. while living in the same house. I am on welfare, which I had to apply for and lie using my grandmother's address which I do not stay at because I can not afford to give her any more to help her with her bills etc.<br />
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I would just take myself to a shelter, but I am concerned about a small dog I have and my oldest son. The 17 year old could care less and is emotionally abusive as well in his treatment of others and myself. I have developed a hatred for my son because he says such negative things to me and is so selfish in watching me go through this. My other son shows me love and support. <br />
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I have no family to move in with, i can't move in with my mother because of my father's non relationships with his children. I was always a very upbeat woman, very aggressive in succeeding and outgoing. There has to be a way out of this. This man can not do this. I want to file for a divorce and alimony, but i can't because we live together. I am waiting on a decision from SSI which would help me while I am dealing with this illness. Somedays I am so angry. I have started carving my pain on the door with scissors a knife, whatever I can find.. I have a hatred for him and his mother. Have felt like killing them, but it is not worth it, not only that I would take myself to the emergency room if I kept having those feelings., but I want out of this so badly and wish I could just leave. I have taken pictures of the house, the conditions I'm living in, I have taped conversations of him demeaning me and admitting to raping me, I get copy reports from my doctor when I go. of the bed bug bites..i have taken pictures of my body bitten by them. All this to support my case in what I am experiencing. <br />
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Some days I feel so hopeless, wishing I was dead, then others I feel like I can rise above it. I am so broken, but there has to be a way out of this prison. There has to be. So I understand..:(

I'm so sorry to hear your story, it's simply heart breaking. I feel I am in the same predicament. The reason why he won't let you work is because if you start getting money that may lead to you having more independence, and god forbid, more power over your self and ultimately realising that you can be fine with out him. I know you're scared but if you ask your family for help they can come and back you up. Think about yourself and the life you thought you would have. Stop living under his control, tell people what is happening (people you trust and love) and tell them you need help. You may be surprised. I really wish you all the best and it's time to give your kids an idea of what self respect is. Show them how to respect themselves by leaving this situation. You deserve so much better. This man will not change and things will get worse if you stay. Listen to that voice inside your head xxx

him saying u wont have the kids, that is an old lie that never holds water.<br />
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why? cause he will be dating and he needs you as a baby sitter, he no more wants to have full custody of those children then the moon does.... besides the law is on ur side not his!

girl get out! get a lawyer and child support... free ur self and ur children.....he is going against the law....he has you in false imprisonment........maybe get a waitress job, take some of the tips off the top, he would not know