Trapped!I always thought I was stronger, that I had a certain "gumption" unlike many, and I'd take on the world one day. Sadly though, I am quite literally trapped by my "husband." I can barely get out, have a life, money, friends, independence, nor any confidence whatsoever. Although these are things I desperately want I am not allowed to.
I am a stay at home mother and love my children. I love being home with them and cherish them more than anything. I wish I could do something with my time at home with them but after two attempts to take online classes I ended up with two broken laptops (computers I was never allowed to own in the first place. They were gifts) I am not permitted to have money and he will make any excuse to use money that is given to me. At a moments notice if I'm not "acting right" he confiscates my keys, phone, and wallet for any amount of time as he pleases. I am unable to speak on the phone when he is at home unless I am prepared for a long night of commands or name calling. Finding a job is out of the question, and even if I could find something it would HAVE TO BE something so demeaning as to not threaten his authority and the money would have to go to him yet I would still have no say or knowledge of finances. Getting work is even harder since childcare would be entirely too expensive and he is a plumber and on-call quite often. Also, as I had mentioned, I would see nothing in return for it other than the loss of many hours away from the kids
He has whatever he wants in life. His family (Italian and overbearing. His mother has all of the say on purchases in my household from the woman's standpoint), his friends (which I have never socialized with as I stay at home with the kids), he goes to his martial arts school after work, he is gone constantly and I'm home, just me and the little ones. Oh and then there's the pot. He spends all of the money carelessly. The children and i sacrifice.
What makes it worse is my family and friends are a few states away. There are no sitters, no one to talk to, and the only outing I have is to buy groceries once a week (and he'll check the time on the receipt if I'm out too long). I have absolutely no say when it comes to my children and he tries to turn them against me, so does his family.
He is mean, hateful, and tries to convince me that I'm crazy. He is mentally and emotionally abusive (not physically although he did lock me outside barefoot in the snow for nearly an hour when I was quite pregnant) I am the one who has tried to have a family over and over again, to do the right thing, and make the sacrifices hoping he'd follow my lead. Instead, he's taken advantage of me and treats me like he owns me. He believes he does. I just want to be free and get away from him. I want to go home. The threatens if i leave I won't be able to go home and that I'll have to stay within 30 miles of him or I'll never have the kids. I just dont know how to get out. I want to be free again.