I Want The Worst For Him

We've been together for 20 years and married for 15 of them. I don't think I have one ounce of like left for the man. I can't even stand the smell of him. It literally churns my stomach. But he thinks life is fricking peachy. He's oblivious and everyone is "just so mean to him." It's a 24-hour pity party around here.I've been going to counseling for 8 months. I'm at the end of my rope and have two "How-to-divorce" books sitting in a drawer. He's watching ESPN.

We were once a great couple and family; loving, caring, supportive. It all started to crash about ten years ago, slowly at first, but a fast downhill slide lately. He's lives under the philosophy that if it doesn't matter to him, it's not a problem. Very selfish. And he couldn't give two poops what anyone else thinks, feels, or needs, especially if they're "being mean to him." He's constantly antagonizing everyone when he comes out of his hole. He also tends to think that if he's sneaky and hides/lies his activities they don't exist. And he's been bad, very bad. It is jeopardizing our whole life. Oh by the way, it's my fault if you ask him.

Things really got bad when he lost his job in the bad economy a few years ago. No big deal. A lot of people did. But he thought he deserved the time off and started hanging out with a crack addict for two years before returning to work (the addict went to jail so I guess the fun was over). This great partnership led to the new skill of doctor shopping for prescriptions meds. Then came the medical marijuana cards and so on. I have children and a job in a community that I would lose it in a heartbeat because of his activity and I DON'T condone any of it. I am a straight arrow. We have become such complete opposites. He doesn't understand/care about my point of view.Told him to stop or we're leaving. He just hid it better. Everytime he's confronted when I find something, somehow he does it for the money because of me and the kids (our fault),which is weird because I pay all of their expenses and most of the rest of the bills.

Recently, I found text messages between him and one of his dirtball friends with him asking how he could get set up with sex with a prostitute. When confronted on Mother's Day, of course he was just joking around. (It didn't seem funny to me when he was negotitating the price. You can get a lot for 70 bucks BTW) I could think of much funnier ways to approach it. And, it was my fault (of course) because we don't have sex enough. He's so rude and disrespectful to our home, kids, and my feelings/needs (and dirty) that maybe he's the reason we don't. Hmmm....I don't think he considered that, because it's ALWAYS my fault (by default.)

Our house is under construction and has been for years (5+). If the city came they'd probably condemn it. I signed my name on a mortgage (twice) to get it fixed and he hoards the money and always has a reason to not do it. It would take pictures to show how bad this house is (except for the beautiful garage! but you can't live in that). He has about 100,000 to 110,000 in cash in bank accounts. I have 8,000 in credit card debt from his two year lay off and 60.00 in my checking till payday. I have a steady good (yet low, low, low paying) job that requires a moral law-abiding lifestyle. He loses his job every 6 months.

His daily behaviors are just grumpy, illogical, and gross. It is a constant struggle.I don't speak or I'll say something mean. But the big behavior choices he makes mean we have to go and I don't think he gets it. When we go we will have nothing. I can't afford a lawyer. I made a budget and will have to get a second job just to be able to afford a 600 a month apartment even though I have a Masters Degree. I'll probably have to pay him child support because he doesn't keep jobs long. I know he'll find a way to screw me out of ANY assets we own. He's goood at that. The only reason I've stayed this long is I don't want to send my son to him for visitation. I have one underage child left, but I can't last another 5 years. That's the only things stopping me. They have a horrible relationship.

I'm married to a person that did not exist 15 years ago. He has taken away EVERYTHING we have worked for. I want the worst for him.
Havenly Havenly
36-40, F
1 Response May 20, 2012

Havenly,<br />
Your comments are totally in line with my opinion of men after two marriages that each endured over 12 years. It seems like married men do not acknowledge their need to be idolized after seven years of marriage, and that their contributions to the maintenance of couplehood need not be defined by what the wife would find pleasurable. But what they find pleasurable is definitely on the frond burner. I a not being judgemental. Rather, I believe men - due to the missing genome on the Y - have a primal need for their 'needs' to be met whereas women get a meaningful raison d'existance from being willingful assistants to achieve these needs. Good luck defining your relationship!

Thank you for the reply yogas4u. I would agree that his "needs" and wants have defnitely become his number one concern and have put the rest of us in a precarious position. Thank you for the well wishes. The transition will be a journey for sure.