Don't Know What To Do Anymore

I know hate is a strong word but saying dislike sounds like an understatement. I don't want to feel like this but I can't help it. I have been with my husband for 7 years, married almost 4 years. Have an almost 3 year old child with him. Everyday he finds a way to **** me off, **** things up. Supposedly not on purpose, but it happens so damn much I question that. We fight constantly. I really should have left him a long time ago, even before we got married but I was blinded. I underestimated myself and who I was and who I could really be with. Being with him has made me give up on my dreams. When I met him I was pursuing my interests in music and had lost a considerable amount of weight. I was starting my life in a new city. I was interested in a co-worker who was showing interest but nothing was happening with it. Because I didn't know too many people I jumped on the first person who showed me interest which was him. We moved in. Things he was doing even then were upsetting. I got depressed because of it, lost my job, gained weight (he is heavy and influenced me which I thought was going to be the other way around), and wasn't dong much with my music anymore. Should have left then. But instead we tried to work it out, then got married, and had a child a year later. Since then it's all gone down hill. He lost his long time job shortly after that. Didn't try to fight it or talk to anyone about what happened, also didn't try enough to get unemployment. One word sums him up and it has consistantly: Lazy. Too lazy to fight for your family, to lazy to make sure things that are your doing or are in your control happens. He has since found a job but it's not the same. I mean things are already tough with financial reasons, raising a young child, our living situation and other things which are another story. So why must he do things everyday to mess up things we can control? It's hard to explain but everyday nothing can go smoothly. He can never stick with a plan, he can never finish what he started or doesn't start it at all. It's always something that will **** me off. If it was every once in a blue moon it might be ok but everyday multiple times a day?! My view is we already have lots of other problems some that aren't in our control, can we just have things that we can control be ok?
I am not attracted to him at all anymore, he is more of like a brother to me at this point. A brother and sister that argues all the time. He has gained even more weight and it's hard to be attracted to someone that upsets you everyday. We have not had sex in about 3 years either. Besides not being attracted to him anymore being a reason, he also has a very small...you know what. Now I know that's not a basis for love but a women has to have some redeeming factor. Sex for us, except the very beginning when it was still exciting and new, has always been not very fulfilling for me anyway. Besides him being small, he was very quick. A combo every girl wants! Here's why I did stay with him: He was loving and knew how and what to say to me, we had certain things in common. I though I could help him. I though I could influence his health and weight. He has dyslexia, I thought I could help him with that. Now both of that has not changed and has just proven too much for me to deal with. He also does not say those loving right words anymore. The things we do have in common we don't have time for with having a child. The fighting doesn't cease. When there are ok times he just tries to come onto me sexually. Like I said I am not into him in that way anymore. I don't like his touch anymore. I don't like anything he does anymore. I'm tired of this life with him. If I could I would take my child and leave, start a new life. I don't want my child around this environment anymore. My situation doesn't allow that though. So I don't know what to do. A part of me just wants the man of my dreams to come and rescue me from this, someone who is exactly what I want. Who is my real match. But I don't see a way out soon.
FallingMe FallingMe
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 6, 2012

I know what you're going through. My husband is lazy as well, with a terrible attitude. He constantly demands things from me. I work from home, and when I am working he comes in and demands that I stop what I'm doing and fix him something to eat. I am sick of being controlled and emotionally abused. I am relieved to see that I am not the only woman who feels this way, yet saddened that so many people are hurting just like me. My prayers are with you.

BTW, those words taken out were the p and f words :)