I Have Stopped Pretending That He Loves Me

After almost 10 years of marriage, and 12 years of being together I finally realized this isn't love. This is a cover for him so he can seem like all the other guys. Married, check kid, check, career, check. I have emotionally and physically begged for his love and I realize he just isn't able to give that to me or perhapes anyone. He spends everyday going to lunch with his friends, comes to bed at 1:00 AM prefers not to spend time with me.He takes days off to have time with the guys and feels depressed if they don't have time for him. He has treated me like a roommate since I moved in over 10 years ago. I have to ask if I want to change anything in the house. I have to give my paycheck to him he doesn't think I'm smart enough to pay a bill. He has told me I am ugly with comments that are too mean to repeat. If I am loving towards him he gets mean so I have learned to have no feelings for him or any he can read.
I have to ask him for help with our son or to fix something and it takes days for him to respond. Also, I have to email him the request because he is just too busy to remember. I am not doing this any more, it may hurt my son and I know I will hurt more than now. I just have to stop this and get off, I am done this isn't love. It isn't even a partnership or a relationship, I can be apart of anymore. Now I find myself twisted with trying to figure out how, when, and all the financial questions. How do I make sure I can provide for my son, and what things will cost. Do I get an attorney first, do I find a place to move to which to do first. What do you say to the attoney, "I married an ******* and want a divorce". Am I a bad person to want out I feel like the attorney will be judging me. I know people will be judging me, but that isn't even enough to stay anymore. I get this one life why should I spend it chasing a person who isn't going to be there. I hear people (older people) say you just make it work. Young people just give up too easily. I guess I am going to be one of those woman that gives up too easily. The pain is so over whelming I feel greif like someone is sucking the air from my lungs. I know it will pass but staying on feeling this way for another 10 years isn't going to happen.
Dianamac Dianamac
2 Responses Sep 19, 2012

I feel your pain. Only been married a little over a year & it's already become this. Instead of ignoring me & child, his status trophies if anything he doesn't actually care for us just to care, by constantly going to be with friends (he doesn't really have any for the disgusting way he treats people because he feels he's smarter than absolutely everyone on the planet & we're all dumb people he simply has to put up with) he stands here in our faces with headphones on smoking pot. Yes, in the house, at all times, sometimes turns the t.v on as well, with headphones in just to not have to deal with us, at least until the phones battery dies.

Baby's 25 weeks now & even though he's been home with us between loosing or quitting jobs for about 5.5 of those weeks he's only spent a weeks worth of quality time with him.

Most of the time when he cries he screams back at him that he doesn't need a baby screaming in his ear while he's trying to do 'important work' (aka sending out emails trying to repair damage he did by insulting tenured professors at our college 2 years ago).....oh but I'm supposed to take listening to him screaming my ears off all day like i'm sipping tea in a fancy bookstore eating mini cakes! The level of misogynistic bullshit in how he operates would make a moderate feminist explode like a over-inflated balloon.
Our story is much longer than this blip, which probably makes it seem like i'm the terrible one sounding ungrateful or uncaring of his job situation here, I'm not, this story is so much more complex that I can't post it all here. I'd need to take all the relevant posts from my 2 journals & various random posts out there on the web to explain the whole story.

Needless to say i'm horribly depressed & suicidal. I'd be much happier out of this relationship alive or dead.

Dear Dianamac,
It seems like you don't feel there is anything worth saving. I have certainly been in that situation, but instead, I made the unfortunate mistake of trying to "stick it out," and I just wasted a full 20 years. Most people don't change, particularly not without help. Now, as a result of me not leaving when I should have, my child absolutely hates him, too, because it is clear that the lack of love does not just extend to a wife: it extends to the entire house. In addition, children become upset at seeing one parent not treated well. They can sense the lack of love, and they know it isn't right. The suggestion most would give is to try counseling. I feel like you already know the answer in your heart. If you do, then you have to think very methodically about how best to protect your son. This means having finances and a place to go, as well as considering what you will need to do for employment. Don't forget that in many states, he will need to pay alimony and child support, so you will want to make sure that any divorce settlement reflects what you will need. Start thinking about what your expenses are; try to view this in an objective way as much as possible. You will have to deal with a lot of details, and of course, the emotional side cannot be sequestered. You can't listen to the concepts of an older generation that doesn't understand what the new realities are like. You must do what is best for your child, and ultimately, yourself. I have such regret and would give anything to go back to the 10 year mark to change the course of my life, and I hope you realize the words of Dr. Phil apply at every stage of our lives: "The only thing worse than five years is five years and one day." Don't let your days remain empty, and don't live with regret. There is literally nothing worse on this Earth.