Why Is He Still Here?

I am actually divorced from my husband but we are still together. He has had many bouts with addictions to alcohol and pain killers. I am a social worker going to graduate school for addiction counseling and I should know better than to keep hanging onto this relationship. I know that I am a good person, I am usually quite happy around others and make good decisions. He is my bad decision. We do have a lot in common and we used to have fun together. We have a 3 1/2 year old and she adores her father. Baby daddy and I fight constantly about: finances, how to raise our daughter, who does more housework, who does what, blah blah blah...I didn't know I was supposed to keep score. I am exhausted and I hate him. I resent him for all of the ******* drama he has brought to my life. I don't even like him anymore. He does cook, he does clean occasionally, but all at a price, to hang it over my head and to make himself look good to others.

When my baby daddy was in the depths of his addiction when I was pregnant, I worked my *** off to pay the house payment and all of our bills. Does he care? No. Does he have gratitude? No. He has sucked me dry. I don't care if he's sick anymore, I don't care if he has a toothache. He has lied to me, stolen from me and my family, his family sucks too-they are the ones who taught him bad behaviors and to blame others for their own problems. He is not accountable, trustworthy, or even nice to me. He is loud, obnoxious, and mean. I don't believe anything he says. He does everything half-assed, just to get by. We never have sex, there is no intimacy, I feel like he has no love for me. I am tired of this ****. I told him I don't want to be with him, I told him not to move back in. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and he will never say he is sorry or responsible for any problems that we have.  He tells me I am a bad person and that I am a bad mother.  I know these things are not true; but they still hurt. 

So what the **** am I doing with him? I don't know. I wish he would go away but at the same time I don't want to be alone, I don't want to live by myself in this house. I want my daughter to have a father. I want someone who will love me and hold me. My mom died exactly one year ago and he has not even given me a hug or asked me how I am doing today. I have been upset all day and probably for months and he couldn't care less. He is doing it to be mean. I want him to leave me alone but yet I don't.

I feel like I have been to hell and back for him and he just keeps using me up. I am tired of faking how "happy" we are around everyone. I am sick of him and how great he thinks he is. I think about telling him to leave so that I can move on with my life and find someone who can give me affection and respect but I am scared I will never find someone who isn't a ********* (fyi-baby daddy is not a *********-just saying I don't want to have to find somone who isn't hiding something or has alterior motives) or has the same emotional and psychological baggage as he does.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I just don't know what to do and I know there isn't anyone out there who can. I just need to vent and figure out if I want to keep living this way or get out of a ****** situation.
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Nov 28, 2012