I'm Sinking Fast!!

Well nothing has changed since last story I wrote other than I'm older and more tired. I've never felt more anxious to take my life as I do now. I'm so tired of the marriage I'm in. I have no family to help me get on my feet and I have no job to have any income to help dig myself out of this mess. I have been a stay at home mom for a few years to take care of our 4 children. My husband Is in the Navy so he is gone often. The best times of my life are when he is out to sea cause it seems that is when I'm happiest. When he is around I'm always depressed and waiting for his next deployment. I can never talk about things that trouble me cause he always turns everything into an argument. He puts me down and calls me names weekly and I have no self esteem left. I used to love being around people and now I have a social anxiety cause I always worry about what people think of me. I had so much self esteem before and now, nothing. When he gets angry he throws things and likes to play sick games with me. He will hide my belongings and threaten to make me homeless. He always tells me I'm a bad wife and mother and no one will ever want me. I have a lot of health issues and he tells me that it is better that I stay with him cause how will I ever be able to afford healthcare without him. He also says cause I have no job the courts will award him the kids and I will have nothing. I want to end my life sometimes just so I can be free of this marriage. My former life is a faint memory that sometimes I dream about. I love my kids but I wish I never met him and maybe I would be happy. Right now all I can think of is how happy I would be if I never had to see him again, but that can never happen. We have 4 kids and I am so worried about the lives they will lead as adults having a father like this. I hate my life!!!!
Puddles2003 Puddles2003
36-40, F
5 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Thank you for all your comments. I have thought long and hard and will be seeking a divorce after the holidays. It is a real and complicated story but let's just say things will never change unless I make them change for ME, not him, MEEEE! So I am going to use this opportunity to get ME back and remember the strong girl I used to be. I feel sad for my kids to have to go through this but us staying together would way worse. This is the part I have dread for 15 years but yet feel like for the first time I can breath and be FREEEE!!

Hang in there. I have been in your place once and now in it again. I am getting counselling now and his insurance pays for it. I believe to get yourself healthly, strong, feeling good. There
s alot to what makes people act the way they do. Stand up for yourself and make a statement once then forget it and go on. Men just don't understand most of the time how to deal with us. So just hang in there for now....write on the post to vent and reach out to others. Yes...it's hard very hard to do this and can make you really down. I have been there and still feel like I am stuck, but I am not. My brother died in an accident a few month's ago and my husband doesn't say anything to me about my brother; no support. I just want to be healthy so I can live...live...maybe not with my husband....my brother's death has given me much to live for....life's to short. Take care.

I feel how you feel....I never thought I could say this about the father of my kids, the man I married and loved ....I hate him...I am sooo tired of his crap...he calls me a b**** all the time..today he called me a stupid B***** in front of my daughter at the top of his lungs..because I said not to yell at our 3 yr because she pee'd on herself..she has only been potty trained for 2 1/2 months...she forgets and is afraid to go to the potty by herself sometimes...so when she went to wash her hands ..the flood gates flew open..all I hear at the top of his lungs...what are you doing...why are you doing this...what is wrong with you?....when I came to the bathroom...to see what the commotion was...he was standing in the hallway and she was in the bathroom standing in a puddle of pee....So I said in a polite voice...she is only 3 she just started potty training...don't yell at her your making it worst...he says omg whatever...you need to wash her up and clean up the bathroom...so I said you clean it up your standing right there...I was eating at the time...I realize he is clueless as to what to do bcz he is letting her stand in the pee puddle while looking for the mop and bucket...I start the bath water and get her some new clothes...I jokingly say since you're mopping the bathroom floor just go ahead and mop the kitchen too....all I hear him saying downstairs is you dumb stupid b*****...you stupid b*****....so I say excuse me..he says you don't talk me that way and gets all in my face like he wanted to spit on me...so I said F*** you ....you don't talk to me that way especially so loud that our daughter can hear...he says F*** You so stupid b***** you haven't cleaned this house good in a year...FYI he was on the road working for 9 months and I was doing it all...when he is home I am still doing everything...all he does is sit on his *** and play video games drink beer and go to the neighbors house....I am cooking, cleaning,checking homework, drop off and pick up at bus stop for our 9 yr old son, teacher, playmate ( my daughter is not in school), laundry , grocery, you name it I do it...not to mention this dude does not even sleep in our bed he sleeps on the sofa...he needs a new job - I updated his resume without his help, did all of the online searches, completed all of the application testing...I am on the computer all day and all night...I fall asleep doing what he is supposed to be doing...if anything gets broken in the house I fix...this man can't even change a light bulb...I am tired so excuse the hell out of me if the house is not immaculate ...you are very comfortable...you always have a meal, clean clothes, etc..stupid B***** no you are a stupid b*****....15 yrs and no respect whatsoever...I am done.I don't like my life either puddles2003...we are in the same boat..but don't take your life...he is not worth it...you are the world to your kids believe me..they love you unconditionally unlike our sorry a** husbands..make you homeless...if you are ready to leave just leave when he is deployed again..don't tell him anything...cancel the phone ..don't leave a forwarding address , password protect everything , the courts can't grant him custody if his a** is deployed half the time honey...you are their primary caregiver...he is saying anything he can so you don't leave...he knows nobody else will put up with his s***....I just got an at home job on the computer...it doesn't pay much but it is a start to my independence...Hopefully I can get a place of my own soon..my 9 yr old already doesn't have respect for me or women in general..and my 3yr old is doing whatever my 9 yr old does...this is not the role model of a father that I want them to see..it is doing more harm than good...I know our vows say for better or for worst, good times and bad but I don't believe this way of life constitutes the covenant of a good loving marriage

I'm sorry. I know how trapped you feel.

Do not feel like you want to end your life. I have so many things I can complain about when it comes to my husband, but nothing can make me want to leave my children. Being a stay home mom is difficult, trying, and emotional(I'm one myself). I have a really bad temper, to the point where I scare my own children-I had to stop. My husband works 12 hours a day, 5 days a week-our weekends are mostly about how tired he is. I hate that! But, I had to look at the bigger picture! I am responsible for 2 young children and am about to have another one. I'm responsible for these precious lives. I have no income other than my husbands, I live where I have no family or friends. One thing I do make sure, is that my husband (no matter what he tries to throw at me) knows and understands that I can make it on my own if I had to. Whether I had to start off from a homeless shelter, I'd make my way. I make sure he knows I love my children more than I love him. Never let a man define you. It's hard, I know, but luckily the way I grew up (terrible childhood) and how I just liked myself up as a young adult, molded me to be strong an fearless no matter the situation. Never doubt yourself! As a mother, you cannot afford to be weak. You are the protector, guide, teacher, and heart of your kids. Take pride in what you've done as a person, what you've accomplished as a woman, and what you've succeeded in as a mother. You are more than what a man knows and understands. Never think you cannot do better, you can! I hope things get better for you. Ultimately, you must start with yourself. Your kids are depending on you;) I like to keep myself occupied with children activities, crafts, free events and little cheap things for myself like painting my own nails, learning hair styles, new dances/exercises. I've also enrolled myself in school. Keep a positive outlook and try not to depend or expect too much from a troubled mind. What happens happens and I you should gather the strength to move on, then so be it. Just do these little things for yourself and your kids, focus on the positive things and see how things start to look. You can do it!