Who Am I?

I had so many dreams as a young woman. Some might say that at 34 I AM a young woman, but they are wrong. I had all of my dreams ripped away. I was in the college of my dreams with a full scholarship on my way to an amazing life. But I was " in love" with a boy. He left to join the army at the same time I went to college. A few months later I realized I was pregnant. Too scared and poor to get an abortion I left everything behind and went back home. My parents were ashamed/disappointed in me and would hardly talk to me. I rode the bus and got myself Medicaid. I took the bus in the dead of winter to each dr appointment alone. The boy would call on the weekend and tell me that he didn't love me and that the baby wasn't his. He did this every single weekend. I don't know why I took it. I had the worst pregnancy. I was never happy, I didn't have fun buying baby clothes. I didn't even have maternity clothes. An aunt and cousin felt sorry for me and threw me a baby shower. I wanted so desperately to get over this boy but couldn't. He kept calling. I gave birth and had an awful experience ( a whole other story). A year later he came home. I was forced to see him. I knew my parents wanted to get rid of me. He REALIZED that he loved me and asked me to marry him. What else could I do? I said yes. I bought a $10 dress at wieners. We went to the courthouse. I went back to work afterwards. A few days later he went back to Germany. I didn't see him for another year. When he finally came back we moved to California. We still didn't love each other. There was nothing I could do. I had no family and didn't know how to drive. I stayed. I thought a son would fix things so along came baby two. Nothing changed except he was there. Always treating me like a child. Even though I am smarter than he ever wishes he could be. But I'm trapped. My parents are divorced now. I'm all alone. I never wanted children but I always tried my hardest. I was still a child. But I had to grow up. No flowers, he forgot my birthday. All funny quirks, right? I kept telling myself it was no big deal. It has to be me. But I can't leave. I can't support my kids alone. The years go by as I live in a daze. I have absolutely no recollection of several years. I was just going through the motions. Now it's been 15 years. My hairs almost all white now. Now there are three kids. I'm still going through the motions. My husband hates that I get mad and say mean things! For some odd reason I thought that was normal. Apparently not, it's not his fault that i am mad, of course because its my fault that I am a *****. So I get yelled at like a little child. Each time I feel like I drank a little more poison. Some day I will have my fill of poison. I wish that day would come soon. I'm not a good mom, not a good wife, not a good person. I just exist. High school diploma is all I can claim. I don't know how to get out. I just pray. Pray everyday that I will die or he will die and it will all be over. I can't leave my kids. My mom left me, I know how it feels. I can't keep them on my own. He won't leave me because Mr Goody-two-shoes would look like them bad guy. Oh no, don't you know he's a saint? So successful. Nothing to do with me of course. I didn't convince the teacher to pass him so he could graduate. College degree. I only did his homework. I only supported him in his job. Made sure he took his medicine, made all his appointments. Am I wrong to hate him? Please tell me.
Lefty481 Lefty481
31-35, F
Dec 9, 2012