I Don't Know What's Going On!!

Hi! I'm 20 years old and I've been married for a little over a year now. I don't really know the true reason why our relationship is so bad right now. I don't know if maybe I'm going through the phase of realizing the expectations I had in the beginning when everything was perfect are not going to happen. We fight about anything we possibly can and the things that either of us finds important the other couldn't care less about it. A part of me feels like I'm being a perfectionist because I get really frustrated when he doesn't see things the way I do, but it's really hard for us to communicate. If I try to bring up my opinions on something, he starts getting really defensive if he doesn't agree with it. Sometimes I want to wring his neck because I'm just trying to help him and he takes it like I'm nagging. For example, my husband is in his first semester of college and he barely spends time on his work. He's wanting to become a doctor and I try to tell him that he won't be able to get into a medical program if he doesn't try harder. He always blows me off saying he'll do his work when I ask, but an hour later he's either playing video games or with his friends. I get so pissed because he just says I'm nagging and I'm trying to act like his mother. Of course we always fight about money issues too. I'm having trouble finding a job and so he thinks that since he makes all the money he deserves it and decides where it goes. He doesn't know how to manage his finances. He says we have no money when I just want to buy groceries, but then he puts hundreds of dollars into car parts and literally a day later complains about money problems and blames them on me because "I'm lazy" and won't get a job to help out. I just don't know how to put the spark back in our relationship to be able to communicate and not go after each others throats whenever we disagree. Even right now I hate that I feel like I need to ask for advice because I want to be able to know what to do. I want to be able to tell my friends that we have fights here and there like any other couple, but I know this is different. I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to blurt out that I want a divorce. I know I love him because I honestly can't picture my future without him, but sometimes I daydream what it would be like if I just got out. I think of the what if's, but I feel like that hurts our relationship even more when I think about getting out instead of how to fix it. I just really need some advice. Sorry for the sob story. I don't want to be told that he's an *** hole or something or ways to get out because that's not an option for me. I want help on how to make it work.
1692autumn 1692autumn
4 Responses Dec 10, 2012

It sounds as though you are trying but not getting any help from him. You can just sit down with him and tell it like it is, that you are trying to find work, that 'we' need to be frugal in 'our' spending. It's better when you use those words rather than 'you'. You may have already done this but it's worth another try. Does he know how upset and miserable you are?

I used to still love my husband, but after carrying all the weight for just a few years, I'm just not anymore. The only reason I don't leave is because he doesn't want me to and I don't believe there is a better man out there for me. I'm honestly done with me after all of my experience. It always seems to me that once they "get" you, they stop trying and let the relationship fall apart. Then when you say you're leaving, they act surprised.
I used to hate the thought of nagging wives, then I became one. It wouldn't be nagging if he would just do what needs to be done in the first place. I nagged for awhile, but then I just stopped. He's not worth it to me anymore. If he wants to fail, it's on him.
Mine sounds better than yours in certain ways, but I'm still fed up. He would rather spend all of his extra money on car parts. At least mine knows to ask me first. He's the one that works, so usually I tell him to go ahead, but I am resentful deep down that the extra money is spent on a car instead of the family.
You want advice? Just stop nagging aka reminding him for his own good. Let him fail or get bad grades. It's his life. Let him spend the money how he wants if he's the breadwinner and doesn't seem to care about the family. I think you should get a job, even if it's not the exact one you want. It will get you out of the house and you'll have money to feed yourself if he spends the grocery money on himself. Just stop fighting with him. It's not getting you anywhere. At least fighting with mine usually ends up with mine realizing that he's wrong and apologizing. If I'm wrong, I admit it too. This won't put the spark back in the relationship for you because you'll be giving up a lot, but it may scare him into acting better. It worked for my husband. When I stopped talking about things, he realized something was wrong. Mine messed up for too long though and now I don't respect him. I don't know if we'll ever be okay again. He disappoints me daily, but I don't tell him, I just get on here and vent away or read other people's far worse stories and then feel better about mine. Good luck! Marriage isn't easy when two people want it, but it's 10x harder when one of them is too selfish to work on it.

Look up the passive aggressive man and behaviors. Run Run and get out before you have wasted time trying to have him see what's in your heart. He will say what u want to hear then rip out you heart in his covert ways. I have too many regrets and now @ 50 I have been told noting but lies by my passive aggressive husband of 27 years. I am angry for wasting my youth and dreams to only be ignored....

had to say without knowing the whole story