15 Years With A Passive-aggressive

My soon-to-be ex husband is not a bad guy. He tries to do the right thing and so do I. I do not blame him entirely for the dissolution of our marriage as I am at fault as well. My experience with him has been rough. He always seemed to work well and function under "crises" mode. His family (sisters, brother, mother and father) are always in need of one thing or another. My ex was always there to rectify their situations which were ongoing throughout the years. Two of his siblings on drugs, one always needed money, the other in a mental institution consistently having breakdowns.

So being that my ex husband has money, and has always been the caretaker of his family, left very little time for he and I. I was so alone in our marriage and began to resent him for putting his job and his family first.

As an outsider to his family, it was a bit easier for me to see the big picture. When his sister started using drugs, prostituting, and acting completely out of her mind, I was the one who notified my ex and his family. Nothing was done. Nothing was proactive. The steps taken were years after the fact when things got so bad that she ended up nearly killing someone in a DUI crash and and then flew to Guam to ***** and prostitute and get cheap drugs. (No lie, I swear)

I was the one who suspected that his father molested my ex's sisters. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out by their behavior and extremely risky lifestyles, but when I spoke up and brought it to the attention of my husband, I was immediately shut down. Okay.... denial is overwhelming at times with extremely difficult family situations, however, when the molestation finally came out from the mouths of the ex's sisters, he went into "crisis mode" and tried to rectify and help his sisters. By this time, the situation had gotten so out of control that it was almost unbearable.

The only time I was listened to was when I started becoming so resentful and angry that our marriage was not a priority. As soon as my behavior became nice and accommodating again is when our relationship was ignored.

My point is, I conditioned myself to lash out at him in anger.... these were the only times I was ever heard or paid attention to. Not a healthy relationship. I didn't have the skills or proper coping techniques to deal with the situation either. I should have left years ago, but was too afraid I wouldn't make it on my own.

I used to tell people that I couldn't conceive children, but the truth was that we were never intimate. He was so exhausted by the end of each day that he just crashed. We slept in separate beds and led virtually separate lives. Loneliest feeling in the world to be with someone and feel so isolated. M

My ex is good-natured and smart as a whip, but this wasn't enough. I gave him my child-bearing years and got nothing in return. Time is so valuable. I never realized it until my epiphany when woke up one morning and said... "I'm 40 years old, no children, no joy, no life.... when am I going to take control of my own future and stop waiting for him to come around?" That day, I walked in his room and told him that I was filing for a divorce. And I did... that very same day. He seemed confused and shocked as if a ton of bricks hit him in the head. He seemed bewildered as if he had no idea as to why I would ever want a divorce.

It's been 8 months since our separation and can honestly say I am having the time of my life. My regret is staying in the marriage for so long. My ex now realizes that his priorities were screwed up. He's been accountable (so have I) and while there are still many resentful feelings towards him, I am starting to understand that I don't need to dwell on the past. I alone control my future.... and THAT'S EXACTLY what I'm doing and loving every minute of it!

crystalclearvideo crystalclearvideo
41-45, F
4 Responses Jan 3, 2013

What an inspiring story. For the record, childbearing and parenthood is WAY over rated. Enjoy your freedom and your life now:)

My husband is passive aggressive too :(( ı would like to talk with u

I'd like that... You can Email me at: lisa@crystalclearvideoproductions.com and go from there. It's not an easy situation you're in.

I don't hate him per say... I did at one time, but only to realize I hated myself in the relationship. He is who he is and i can't change that. I am who I am. I guess it's more of understanding who we are and what we want. Our wants change throughout the years we change and grow and don't always want the same things. Sounds cliche, but it's true.

Keep it up(: if you hated him, keep him out of your life, it wasn't meant to be.