Fear Holding Me Back

I am afraid of financial hardship, loneliness, and custody battles. So I put up with verbal and emotional abuse, and feel like I am wasting my good years. Have stopped fighting back mostly, but underneath I am full of rage. I wish him dead, which is a horrible thing to wish. I feel like I am damaged goods now, socially inept in my early forties and emptied of belief in the possibilities of ever feeling hope for the future.
I have had love before, but it is a rare thing, people seem to be more cunning now.
Dark days, think this year I would like to face my fears. Small steps, would love to live without this knot in my stomach.
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 15, 2013

Can we help each other? I want a divorce but I am afraid of the cost and it is so lonely living in an apartment without my kids. I don't have friends to lean on...so how to do this alone?

I am in the same boat completely u want to escape but u just don't know where to begin .. I have so much resentment built up inside too.. I really don't know what else to do I have a 3 year old darling girl and it only breaks my heart even more ..

dont be afraid.....ive been here i know how you feel ..i put up with 7 years of married hell for all the reasons you state...dont do it....the children will know and will feel better if you are happy...life is to short to be in an abusive relationship...please take steps to get out you can do it...and you will be fine....you will find that you are a happier person for not having that horrible person dragging you down and making you feel like ****....dont be afriad....lots of people here can help you :)

Thanks, it is cathartic to vent, hate to think this is what my young children think is a normal relationship. For lots of reasons I am biding my time, mainly around age of kids too young to feasibly go back to my hometown. The real reasons are my fears, real or imagined about the hell he will put me through. Started to stash cash might have to try that again. No excuses not being prepared, when the writing is on the wall.

i totally know what you mean and i really feel for you coz i know where your coming from....is there no one that can help you leave?...or will he not leave?...my kids where 6 and 8 at the time and i feel terrible for putting them through the **** but it was the right thing to do and ultimately was the best thing for them....you need your friends around you right now and stashing the cash is a great plan...i wish you all the best and if you need any help please just ask :) ...im a good listener and ive been told i give good advice so maybe i can be there for you