I Am Too Old For This Crap

Ok so here I go...was married for 13 years to a good Christian man with a dark side. Drinking. When it became too much to bear anymore due to him drinking our money away, ignoring our kids etc...I made the painful choice to end it. Three years later I was enjoying a class reunion when I met/reconnected with an old classmate. He seemed like EVERYTHING I ever dreamt of. He was a single dad raising two of his sons on his own and shared custody with another. First red flag I didn't see then : married twice, kids with each. But his story was compelling. He wasn't fully divorced from the second wife when we began dating but he assured me it was a matter of legalities and money and they had been apart for the better part of 2 years already (according to him). His very first wife he told me left him and his two oldest for a life of drugs and partying and rarely came around. He was on the road to Christianity and at the time I had fallen away and he sorta brought me back into it. I was naive and felt that a person being a 'Christian' would share the same moral as myself. Boy was I in for a surprise. It started out with his ex (who he wasn't divorced from yet)...as it turns out they were best friends. To the point of weirdness. Not just getting along with her for their kids sake like I did with my ex...no, it was like she was the other woman. She came to everything him and I tried to do together, came over to the house and walked in without knocking, took things when she wanted etc. I never felt like I had a chance to be HIS woman since she was already still in that role. Come to find out down the road that he also told her EVERYTHING. Personal and painful things about me that I confided into him and him alone. He told her about our sex life. Everything. She became insanly jealous over me and began stalking me, looking up my private records, spreading lies about me to the entire neighborhood, claimed even that I tried to kidnap their son from school when I never even went up to his school! She had our house bugged and used everything she heard to tell everyone. She also told everyone all the secrets my husband shared with her. The whole time all he did was make excuses for her. All he did was let her get away with it all and tell me not to get so upset. It was like I was in the twilight zone. I ended up pregnant (while on birth control) And we lost that baby. We found out in the hospital that it had died and I was given the option to miscarry at home or have a D&C. I chose to pass it naturally at home. Of course not even an hour after we got the news he called his ex to tell her. She claims that he never wanted that baby and called it a mistake (which in a way it was an accident) but it hurt that he'd say that to her. I hadn't even had a moment to soak it in and he called her. Sad thing is, there was no remorse of course from her...only gloating. A week later we went hunting, I was waiting for the actual 'miscarriage' to take place and we went out to take our minds off it. The activity must have stirred things up. We had plans for his brother and sister in law to come visit us that evening and I was supposed to go to the store to get something for us to eat. I went to shower first and I began to cramp and pass tissue. I came down and said I would need to excuse myself from the nights activities because I was actually miscarrying now...all he said to me was 'so does that mean you aren't going to the store?" Shocked I just turned and walked back upstairs. Later he came up and I asked why he couldnt cancel the nights events considering the situation and he just screamed at me. Then he let his family come over anyways and sat downstairs with them. All of them fully knowing what was going on. I passed the baby on my own, I felt horrible flushing it like a fish and I cried and prayed over it...the whole time listening to him and is brother laugh and carry on downstairs. He now claims it was MY attitude that caused him to act that way and he said I was fine all day when I went hunting and he feels that it was no big deal. I have never forgiven him for this...his lack of care or concern for me was so paintful I cannot even describe it. He never even came up once to check on me the entire night. Why did I stay? He is amazing with his words. He knows how to talk and make himself just seem like he is so misunderstood. In the first few weeks of us dating he had 3 ex's calling and texting him everyday. I didn't have an issue with being friendly to ex's cause I was also but it was to the point particularly with one girl that him and I couldn't even go on a date without her contacting him. He knew it wrong because one day he bluntly asked me, does this bother you? I said would it bother you? He said yes and he would have dumped me by now if it was me doing it. So I said well you answered yourself. Well he never had the courage to ask her to stop calling so much ...instead he just tried to ignore her. Apparently she doesn't take hints very well and kept up the calling. So finally one day I took the phone and told her to knock it off. Flash forward, we are married and I was pregnant and she was still calling and all he did was say he was too busy to get together..again finding other ways to say no about her requests to get together...no courage enough just to say hey look I am a married man and you are being innappropriate. Also, he wasn't a Christian. He was maybe thinking of it but I found his huge stash of TEEN ****, his HUGE collection of Pam Anderson playboys. Stories started to emerge slowly (after I was in it) about him and his ex's going to ***** bars together and checking out women together and just being flat perverted. He smoked pot, started cussing like a sailor and just flat wasn't the person he painted himself out to be at all. His two sons that live with us and my kids make nasty perverted comments about other girls and women all the time...the oldest is only 12. He let them watch anything they wanted while they were growing up and they have a very disorted vision of what a woman is. I worry for my young daughter who is only 7 and I don't allow to be alone with them at all. I jumped in way to fast and I know its my fault. I lost all sense of myself, gained weight...I take care of between 5-8 kids on any given day. I have no real income of my own or formal education and I just feel trapped. I pray to God all the time to help me find a way out. And to forgive me for again getting a divorce but I can't live in this craziness with a heartless man I will never trust.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013