I Love Him So Much. And I Hate Him.

I hate that he drinks too much. I hate that he is a nice drunk. I hate that I smell or sense that he has been drinking and even though he gives me no reason other than that. I can't stand him. Then I'm the *******.
I hate that he drinks alone. I hate his personality when drinking even when he is sweet. I hate that he can't stop. I hate that his health is suffering. I hate that smell. I am repulsed by that smell. I hate that he is sad. I hate that he is losing his gorgeous looks.
I hate that in embarrassed to introduce him to co workers. I hate that his grooming is lacking. I hate that he can't keep him mind still and needs alcohol or drugs to calm himself.
Most of all, I hate how much I love him. If I only hated and despised and was repulsed alone, iI could save myself from growing frown and worry lines. I could save myself from frustration, heart ache. Sadness. Desperation.
But he is all I've ever wanted. No one has ever treated me better, loved me more.
I've never loved anyone like this. I hate him. And I think this will grow. 10 years and I still want him. But I don't think I can do this for long. I'm growing. He is still the 19 year old I met in 1999. But not as beautiful. To others. I still see him as he was. But it's fading.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Feb 7, 2013

From your story, I believe that you really do love him still. I believe that because you love him so much, when you see him not being the person that you know he can be, it makes it that much more unbearable for you to deal with. His excessive drinking is not something that you should have to 'deal' with anyway. I believe the hatred you feel is for what he is doing- and more so, who is is when he is doing the drinking.

You say no one has ever treated you better. So, I feel that it is not necessarily him that you hate but his drinking, and that can be addressed. Maybe you could get him to look into getting some professional help for that. Maybe a program geared towards addressing his reasons for drinking and how it affects him, his health and you.

This relationship sounds salvageable to me but I'm just looking in from the outside. In the end, you know what is best for your situation. You now just have to act on those feelings- in the most appropriate way for you, in your situation.