I Am/Was Married To A Narcissist.After being on this crazy train for over 9 years, there's finally some clarity,
Not only have i been dealing with this fool and his games for our ENTIRE relationship, but even after we became separated a month ago - he still continues to play me. But it isn't just me, we have two beautiful young boys that are also getting taken on this ride.
We fought our entire relationship, for years i put up with his what i thought were immature ways. Even though i fell in love with him so quickly, we fought alot over his selfish ways. He lacks empathy, will turn anything and everything to be about himself, even our arguments, never owned up to or took responsibility for his actions, would pass the blame on to anyone else no matter what size the issue. He fooled himself about pretty much most of the aspects in life, in his and ours. Arguing with a person like this made me feel like i was losing my mind. He would go from saying one thing and then completely contradicting himself in the same sentence. I supported him in every way, and was a stay at home mum who was very isolated because of his work and treated him like a king. Yes i enabled alot but i did it because thats what i wanted to do, i was just doing it to the wrong person. I wanted to be a wife and a mother and do all those things, and then have that strong man in my life that i can feel safe and secure with. I carried all the burdens in this family, and carrying the financial burdens was enough on its own so make me a stressed person all the time.
I'm going insane as i open up and type the things about him, theres SO many its not funny. Fast forward to now, and our current situation I can't even start on how this all went down its infuriating. But ultimately after 9 years of us fighting and me wanting to leave but him telling me i was breaking up the family and me persevering through all his ****, and him never even leaving for 5 mins after a fight and i on a number of occasion left for a night, or a weekend, pregnant and all, he finally left but instead of doing the right things after that he did everything wrong. He also victimized himself because he left me apparently. We didn't see him or hear from in a week and in that time he'd acquired new things and a new future for himself, yet at the same time after talking with me after the first time since he left, if theres chance of reconciling, he wanted it too. The last 4 weeks have been up and down and basically what was happening is he was still controlling the situation and continually hurting us while he was being so selfish - he was getting his cake and eating it to. Whenever we would try to talk it would end up with him shutting me off and yesterday i said enough was enough. Nothing he ever says makes sense anyway, not even to himself
I think the last month i was an emotional wreck, i was devastated and mourning the possible loss of the 'family' i knew i could get on with things but i was trying to fight for this family but i realized i was fighting with someone who just does not want to live in reality and i'm too tired. He broke my heart but he isn't going to break me. Taking me and my children off this ride was the hardest thing i've ever experienced because i'm hurting and feeling responsible for more than just me, but the first time since he left have i felt like i could breathe, to know that i don't have to argue with someone who doesn't get it anymore gives me energy just thinking about it.
For the first time since he left instead of heartbreak when i think of him all i think of is I hate you!
xBonnyx 26-30, F 4 Responses 1 Feb 7, 2013