I Am/Was Married To A Narcissist.

After being on this crazy train for over 9 years, there's finally some clarity,
Not only have i been dealing with this fool and his games for our ENTIRE relationship, but even after we became separated a month ago - he still continues to play me. But it isn't just me, we have two beautiful young boys that are also getting taken on this ride.

We fought our entire relationship, for years i put up with his what i thought were immature ways. Even though i fell in love with him so quickly, we fought alot over his selfish ways. He lacks empathy, will turn anything and everything to be about himself, even our arguments, never owned up to or took responsibility for his actions, would pass the blame on to anyone else no matter what size the issue. He fooled himself about pretty much most of the aspects in life, in his and ours. Arguing with a person like this made me feel like i was losing my mind. He would go from saying one thing and then completely contradicting himself in the same sentence. I supported him in every way, and was a stay at home mum who was very isolated because of his work and treated him like a king. Yes i enabled alot but i did it because thats what i wanted to do, i was just doing it to the wrong person. I wanted to be a wife and a mother and do all those things, and then have that strong man in my life that i can feel safe and secure with. I carried all the burdens in this family, and carrying the financial burdens was enough on its own so make me a stressed person all the time.

I'm going insane as i open up and type the things about him, theres SO many its not funny. Fast forward to now, and our current situation I can't even start on how this all went down its infuriating. But ultimately after 9 years of us fighting and me wanting to leave but him telling me i was breaking up the family and me persevering through all his ****, and him never even leaving for 5 mins after a fight and i on a number of occasion left for a night, or a weekend, pregnant and all, he finally left but instead of doing the right things after that he did everything wrong. He also victimized himself because he left me apparently. We didn't see him or hear from in a week and in that time he'd acquired new things and a new future for himself, yet at the same time after talking with me after the first time since he left, if theres chance of reconciling, he wanted it too. The last 4 weeks have been up and down and basically what was happening is he was still controlling the situation and continually hurting us while he was being so selfish - he was getting his cake and eating it to. Whenever we would try to talk it would end up with him shutting me off and yesterday i said enough was enough. Nothing he ever says makes sense anyway, not even to himself

I think the last month i was an emotional wreck, i was devastated and mourning the possible loss of the 'family' i knew i could get on with things but i was trying to fight for this family but i realized i was fighting with someone who just does not want to live in reality and i'm too tired. He broke my heart but he isn't going to break me. Taking me and my children off this ride was the hardest thing i've ever experienced because i'm hurting and feeling responsible for more than just me, but the first time since he left have i felt like i could breathe, to know that i don't have to argue with someone who doesn't get it anymore gives me energy just thinking about it.

For the first time since he left instead of heartbreak when i think of him all i think of is I hate you!
xBonnyx xBonnyx
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 7, 2013

You realized you were fighting with someone who does not want to live in reality. That puts so perfectly what I have been going through with a man. I knew him in high school, he could charm me like anything, he said and wrote very beautiful words, but I kept pulling away from him. We went our separate ways but I always thought he was the "one" because that is what he always told me I was to him. I bet he said it to other girls. I never would have believed that but now I wonder.7 months ago, after leaving an abusive husband ( a different man/narcissist!) , the high school boyfriend, now a grown man, told me to come to him, to recover, no strings, he has always loved me, wants me, and so on. So I went only to find myself in nightmare #2. He followed me, didn't want me to go out, and started abusing me sexually. But also would fanatically watch out his window at other women, always very young, and fly into a rage if I said anything. (Denied it of course) Then he would go to his nice job, act charming to everyone, and come home and try to get me to do the cleaning etc, but then be there for him intimately, and if I didn't want to, he grabbed my wrists and made me. Why didn't I leave right away? I was in shock. I had lost weight from finding out my husband had been with other women, and had stupidly run to this man thinking he at least truly loved me. I read about narcissists and sociopaths and couldn't believe it. So when I was a teen and he was in college by the way- so the age gap of 7 years was not appropriate - I was 15 and he was 22, but now I have to realize it was all a facade even then. It was never ever that he loved me. Though I think he has an idea of ideal love - but it is nothing to do with a real woman or person. When I was with him a few months ago , If I knew something he didn't know, he would act disturbed, secretly google it and then pretend he had known it all along. How pathetic. He only talks about women in terms of physical beauty. He would have tantrums, or withdrawl deliberately to punish me, or if he did any thing for me, I had to hear about how sweet he was. He would tell everyone at work how he had rescued me from my abusive husband and all the things he did for me. It was ALL about HIM. The problem is, though I have left him, I have lost all sense of myself, confidence and feel very very low. I understand what happened but to have 2 men in a row do this to me has left me with very little feeling that I have a future. I don't have children. I was afraid with my husband that it would harm a child psychologically because of his rages. So I am alone. I used to be a strong, confident college grad with the world in front of me. Now I feel I have been systematically destroyed and man #2 (high school love) has finished me off.Thank you for sharing your story. I feel very down today but it has helped.

Wow. I thank you do much for this story. You have brought a clarification to my own situation that I didn't even once consider- a narcissist attitude. I, like you, just chalked up my husband's actions to him being 'childish'. Now I realize that he is indeed a narcissist. I swear, he makes absolutely EVERYTHING about him. He gets offended at the drop of a dime and seems to be in his own little reality concerning sequence and factuality of events. He denies, them acknowledges, then dismisses. He is impossible to reason with. I get so frustrated trying to talk to him about even the most basic things. I've also had to leave the house on numerous occasions - and yes, while pregnant also. He left once, at my request. Other times just went out and slept in the car.

Hearing your story puts it all in perspective now. I'm not crazy, as he would claim that I am. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Just that clarity alone can be somewhat comforting. You're not alone.

well...I understand you at all...I hope you do not mind, but I am a man...living the same situation with my wife, in this case she accts like your husband...I am not saying that I am a saint, but it is hard to understand a person like this, who thinks she is the best...and I am the worst "thing", she could ever met....
a big hug...and good luck!....sorry for my english....I am from southamerica

It's not easy dealing with a narcissist whether it be your husband, your wife or even people in your family. They try and break your spirit, don't let that happen. Good luck to you.

Thank you so much for writing this. I am in the middle of a very similar situation. I have been married for a year and a half and I thought I was going crazy, I won't get into details but everything you said rings true for my husband too. I have just recently started researching physical and emotional abuse and stumbled upon NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and it's like the veil of confusion has been lifted. I don't know what to do though because everything I read says run for the hills because narcissists will never change, and he doesn't change. He'll say he will and a week later denies it ever happened. I have been dealing with so much for so long I am at the point where I feel it's all I can take to make it through the day and I am also in individual therapy. I don't feel like I can leave the relationship because of religious beliefs, but I am also worried about trying couples therapy because I have had the experience where my husband charms people and manipulates into thinking he's great and I'm 100% at fault. I know our problems lie with both of us. I really appreciate this story and if anyone has advice based on a similar situation, I am seeking it.

It's just a difficult situation to be in. When you know that to be equal in a relationship through its good times and bad, theres things you have to admit to the other for any type of progress but how do you to that when the narcissist can not admit fault. How could therapy ever work? When only one person truly isn't taking the right actions because a narcissist can never feel empathy. They may acknowledge the then and there reactions but they cannot see that there characther and behaviour are whats causing your negative reactions, and when we fight and yell and plead with them to see whats going on, it just gives them the excuse that they can't put up with you and your anger and we are the ones to blame for the way the relationship is going.
I feel my husband puts himself on a pedastool and really there's only room for one so where does that leave us? When they charm people and victimize themselves it adds to our feelings of insanity because you know he's going to convince everyone else that you are to blame and how is he supposed to put up with someone like that. I've found that stepping out of this emotionally and letting it be what it is, a huge weight has come off. Seeing it as someone that has a problem just like if is was alcohol, they need to first acknowledge their problem before things can change. You may have your religious beliefs and though i might not, similarly i stuck it out because i believe marriages are things that need to be worked on and that they will have their ups and downs but you don't give up. The fact that i now 100% realize i'm dealing with a narcissist and not just this boy that i was hoping would grow up, letting them be is the only way for change. It will break you putting up with it and you can't let that happen. Separation doesn't mean the end but it can be an end to the games that he's playing, if its worth it and he can change, once his ego is no longer been stroked he will see what he has lost and what he has to fight for, it's what i'm hoping for but not counting on and for the moment staying strong.