I Just Want To Be Friends

I feel so passive after reading the other blogs. There's some HATE out there. I think too passive has really done me wrong. Like....avoidant....lazy.
Im just scared. I really hate the guy. I teeter between wanting more, better attention to just knowing in the pit that he sucks. And, he really sucks. He does things for me that are hugely important no doubt. I have a lot to lose. But, I do risk wasting time with this ******* and losing precious life.
My boundaries are what I pray remain intact. Just him being in my life wards off my 10 year old behavioral kid from taking reign... and his father. And, I NEED space from the kids and can do so with a husband. Plus, Im pregnant. Ive had my mind mess up around how to accept a marriage. And, as I become wiser and look at it more deeply I realize Ive never been meant to live anyone elses dream. One partner for LIFE, is a HUGE expectation....that someone else can fulfill if it be their goal. Its my dream and vision that creates my life. Living with someone just because I made a promise to live with him forever is stupid. Its not honor. Its ridiculous. If Im not happy I need to accept myself as a different person than I was 7 years ago....3 years ago...and move on. When I was in college I chose (1) major. Ive since gotten over that. Im not bad. It wasnt my one chance. Im not bound for life to Social Work because I picked it 10 years ago. Nor am I bound to my husband.
I know Ive tried. Its more than petty frustrations. He's got unresolved issues and he doesnt like to work together. Thats the part I can not have. Not WILLING to compromise. He wants to do his thing his own way. And Im tired of it. Thank God I live in a country where women remarry. I know they are given grief only by a few people living in a version of reality where you MUST/HAVE TO/CANNOT BREAK lifetime monogamy.
This tantrum throwing idiot enters my home tonight and threw all the books off the shelves and broke and ripped up the bookshelf. He was FURIOUS that the room was disorganized. And I had to teach class tonight. So he left it for me with ORDERS for when I returned. And a good lecture. He sucks. My books! The mess is far worse than the babys. What the hell is the matter with you??? You go apeshit when you can just use your words....like a big boy. Instead you bring down the whole house. You finally agreed to counseling...like 100 years too late...after dragging your stubborn ***....only because of threat of divorce.....with a DATE and an ultimatum. So for our FIRST session on Monday, the same day I get my first ultrasound, I get THE PLEASURE of embarrassing you in front of some poor stranger with this story. 
Counselor " So what brings you in today?"
Me "This dingbat wants to stay married....and act like a child"
Counselor "When you say 'acts like a child' what are you referring to?'
Me "Well, he doesnt contribute to chores, only with his mouth saying what needs to be done. He walked in bitching about the mess our (2) year old made and I and the 10 year old got busy cleaning it. The 10 year old commented 'Why doesnt he help if he's so angry?' and I considered it. So asked 'Ed, help us clean the room?' and the crazed-lunatic stormed in and tossed all the books off the shelves and broke the bookshelf. He mangled it with his bare hands.Then he left the room wrecked. MY books broken and scattered. I love my books! ******!!!!! My kids books thrown everywhere! BASTARD!!!! And when we left for class amidst the adult-tantrum, he continued. When my son and I returned, we returned to a much bigger mess but a continuing lecture on being too loud in the house...and our 'chore' to finish up the project tomorrow."
Counselor  "How did it make you feel when you were left with the mess?"
Me "Clear...... I just woke the bastard up and told him to get out."

LAUGH.....OUT.....LOUD....LIKE A CRAZY.....MAD LUNATIC......GODDD I dont put up with **** when Im pregnant! Zero-Patience/Zero-Bullshit-Tolerance radar ON!!
Motherfuuuker Motherfuuuker
Feb 8, 2013