I Hate My Husband
Ok, here goes...My husband and I got married after knowing each other for a year and a half. We have been married for 7 years and have a house and 2 wonderful children together. The problem is I HATE MY HUSBAND! When we first met his life was a mess. He was recently divorced and had no job, no license from a DUI and living back at home with his mother. Despite these things he was funny and outgoing and upbeat. We were engaged after 6 months and married a year later. Things were good during our engagement and our first year and a half of marriage. I was a few months after my daughter was born that I realized that he was not the person I thought he was. My daughter was a difficult baby, she suffered from colic and cried for hours at a time. This went on for 6 months. In those 6 months he was suddenly voluntarily gone when I supposed to work in the evening and after he got off work and was supposed to be home with her. I ended up having family and friends watch her so I could go to work and he could go play his baseball or bowling or whatever it was that night to get out of the house and away from her. Even after she was getting better he would find ways to be gone when we were home. He did absolutely nothing to help with caring for her or the household duties. It all fell onto my shoulders. At the time it was annoying, but not the end of the world.
Around this time, however, I also started to really notice that when my husband was talking to other people that he would lie. Sometimes it was a stupid little white lie, other times I would find myself starring at him in disbelief over what he was telling people! I confronted him, privately, about these lies, and he got very angry and INSISTED he was telling the truth! Ha! What a bunch of crap! I dealt with this for quite some time on my own and didn't mention it to anyone because I was so embarrassed about his lying. But then it started to effect his jobs also. God only knows what he was telling people at work. Almost all of his lies were just to make himself look better in some way shape or form. What he didn't and doesn't realize is that people can see right through him and know he's lying, they just don't say anything most of the time. If anyone calls him out on these lies he gets very hostile. Friends of ours were starting to confront me about his lying and were constantly asking me if what he said was true or not. Sometimes I wanted to tell them it was because I was so embarrassed by it, but I'm not a liar, in fact, I HATE liars! So I would tell them the truth, that it never happened or was so exaggerated it was unbelievable! (Pun intended)
There is also the issues of his job hopping and reckless money spending. I am a saver, he is a spender. He had more debt out there than he bothered to tell me about before we were married. And I was too young and stupid to ask, not that I would have gotten the truth anyway. He blames his debt on everybody else. His ex-wife, the company was supposed to close the account and didn't... you name it, it's somebody elses fault that he is in debt. As I mentioned, he was not working when we met, nor did he have a license to drive. Only after prodding from myself did he get his crap together and I had to pay to get the ridiculously high insurance on his car because he was now a high risk because of his DUI's.. I forced him to go out and get a job and he repeatedly called in "sick" 2 or 3 days a week. He wasn't sick, he was tired from staying up half the night and doing God knows what! He has had multiple jobs since we've been married and doesn't seem to like any of them. He is waiting for me to out earn him in money so we don't have to worry anymore. However, because of his jobs, I have had to cut my hours back at my own job in order to take care of the kids and avoid daycare costs, which we can't afford. Then he's whining because I don't make enough money, The only reason I had to cut my hours was to accomodate his schedule! I recently graduated from college with a good degree and am planning on looking for full time work when my second child (son) closer to a year this summer. I am so sick of being almost short on the mortgage because of his spending habits! With all of this job bouncing, we have lost and gained numerous health insurances. I hate being without health insurance on my kids!!! My job doesn't even offer health insurance and we are dependent on him to carry it.
After so many years of this I started to realize that the man I had married is a person I never really knew at all because he doesn't know who he is and is hiding behind his lies. And the fact is, is that I don't like the person he is at all. I am married to a person that I am not compatible with and share nothing in common with. I don't like him at all, much less love him. Had he shown his true colors in the beginning I never would have looked twice at him. I never thought I could feel such disgust for a person!
The other part of the problem is that he does indeed disgust me! He rarely showers anymore, at one point I think I counted 3 weeks between showers, he finally started brushing his teeth in the morning because I finally told him I wouldn't kiss him because his breath stunk so bad. And sex pretty much went downhill after my daughter was born because I was so damned tired, for one, but I didn't even want to. I don't like him, much less love him, why would I want to have sex with him? He nagged and nagged and then got mad when I said no. Most of our arguments were over sex for the last 5 years. He would always ask if I was still attracted to him. I said I was, but only because I was hoping that what I said was the truth and my marriage wasn't truly over. But the truth is that I was lying to myself too. I'm not attracted to ANYTHING about him, and haven't been for a long long time.
Almost 2 years ago we had a huge fight and all of the stuff about never being there for my daughter and I came out. He was shocked at my feelings then because I hinted at divorce. He has been trying since then and we also had another baby because he was doing so much better about trying to be a husband and father. After my son was born it all started going downhill again. He can only put in large efforts for small amounts of time. In the end it's all about him and what he has to do. There is no consideration for anyone else. If I have to do something and he has to take care of the kids he tells me to hurry up and get back so he can do what he wants to do. Every once in a while he really tries to act the part of husband and father, but it's just too late. How do you trust someone who can't stop lying and you can't believe a thing that comes out his mouth? How do you decipher what is the truth and what isn't???
It is to the point where I am relieved when he's gone and crabby and anxious when he's here, If and when he's home it's always him talking about how he's been working so hard just needs to relax. He puts off the kids, especially my daughter because she has more energy than the baby. He is always snapping at the kids to settle down and just be quiet. He sits his lazy butt on the couch and watches his stupid shows and watches while I bust my *** cooking and cleaning and taking care of two kids. The only time he gets up is if I'm going anywhere near the bedroom (like THAT'S going to happen!). If he's not sitting on the couch he follows me around the house and feels the need to grope me every time I walk by him. I'll walk by and he grabs my butt or my boob! Does he think that's a turn on??? All I want to do is punch him in the face! I have enough to do without tripping over him every time I turn around, much less get groped any time I happen to be near him. I used to be so disappointed when he said he was going to be gone for any period of time, now I get so excited when he leaves. He left for a week vacation and it was the best week in a long time for me! Things are so much smoother when he's not here and I'm much more relaxed and HAPPY! I don't miss him at all when he's not here.
About 5 months ago I realized that this isn't ever going to work. I married a man that I didn't even know, and now that I do know him, I hate him! Once I get a full time job I will start putting money away for a divorce and a place to live with the kids. This is going to be hard on them, but I think everyone will be happier if he and I are not together. So for now, I'm just bidding my time before I can leave. I feel somewhat guilty because he has no idea what I'm planning and I feel like everyday I'm living a lie. But I have to make sure that we are set financially before I go. Lots of planning to do! I never thought I'd be in this place when I got married.
Update - 3-1-2013
Well, my plan to get a full time job and then leave has bombed! My husband didn't come home last Thursday night and when I text him at 5 am he didn't answer. When I was getting up at 7 to go to work for a class, he was walking in the door. I went out to talk to him and couldn't find him anywhere...then he came running up the basement stairs??? What the hell is he doing downstairs??? He never did answer that. When I asked him where he was he told me he had had too much to drink while out with the guys the night before and stayed at our friends house, He was so nervous I thought he was going to pee his pants! I knew he was lying immediately just by his behavior and thought, "Whatever!" got ready and left. He called me multiple times in the middle of my class at work and I didn't call him back until it was over 3 hours later. When I called him back he said that he was sick and was throwing up... I thought, well yeah, that's what happens when you binge drink! Anyway, I had to start my work shift at 1:30, it is now noon, and he has the kids! I asked him what he wanted me to do. Long story short I had to run all the way home and get the kids and bring them to my parents so I could go to work. Awesome....When I got there to pick up the kids he didn't have them ready, so i had to do all that. While getting them ready, he apologizes to me. I said, "For what?" He said for being sick and making me run all the way home and bring them to my parents. I said, yeah ok. He asked if I was mad and I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now. He pushed and pushed so finally I said I was tired of the lying (I had called our friend on my way home and he confirmed that my husband did NOT stay with him and I asked him to find out from the other guys where he went after bar close) He claims that his car wouldn't start (he's been having problems with it) and that he passed out in his car. I'm in doubt because it's really cold here and someone passing out in a car that's not running you would be an icecube! But whatever... anyway,I told him I'm tired of the lying, as stated in my original post he is a pathological liar and who knows what the truth is! I told him that real kicker is that I really don't even care anymore. I know he's lying, but I don't really care...If he was with another woman...I don't really care, better to get the divorce going faster...I've just stopped caring, and it happened a long time ago. Anyway, after about 15 minutes of this discussion he told me he would do whatever it takes. I told him I don't care what he does, it's just not going to work anymore. He said he would get counseling, which he needs anyway for his lying self! I told him I had to go and we would talk about this later. He called later that evening and tired to tell me again he would do whatever it takes and I told him I wasn't going to talk about it right then. When I got home I put the kids in the tub and while my son was playing and my daughter was still in the tub I told him I wanted a divorce. He's panicked and scared, but as neither one of us has no place to go we are still living under the same roof...awkward! I told him that I would humor him and while he goes through counseling that I would come in for a couple of sessions, but told him straight out that it won't matter. I still want a divorce. We have agreed to live together until we get the divorce underway, but I know he's still holding onto hope that I will change my mind. But I'm be up front and straight forward about the fact that nothing will save this marriage at this point. I just don't want him to do all these things and change so much and then be angry when it still turns out bad. I've told him that too. After these discussions he is now being overly helpful, which just irritates me. He works construction and hasn't been working much so he's been home day in and day out. I told him I don't want hugs and kisses, I can barely handle talking to him right now. He acts like nothing has changed and that irritates me too. I told him that I don't like him acting like nothing is different between us and that it worries me that he thinks everything will be fine. He swears he doesn't and he knows that things are different, but his actions are saying the opposite.
This is going to be an interesting situation. All I want to do is get away from him, but I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know how to go about starting this divorce or when for that matter. I'm really in no hurry to get it done as we still have many things to get in order before I do. We have a vehicle to pay off and he needs a new one. How the whole house situation works during a divorce, I have no idea. I can't afford to stay here without his income. I told him I'm not out to screw him and don't want him to be broke, I just want to go our separate ways and have 50/50 fair everything. i won't take the kids away from him, as they need their father as much as they need their mother. I told him that we would leave the marriage with what we came in with and what our families have given us. (Furniture, dishes, etc.) He doesn't want a nasty divorce anymore than I do. He doesn't even want lawyers, and neither do I, considering the costs. But looking into doing a divorce yourself it gets complicated and I think we will both need lawyers just to make sure everything is filed correctly and it gets done right. Sigh... here we go....
Around this time, however, I also started to really notice that when my husband was talking to other people that he would lie. Sometimes it was a stupid little white lie, other times I would find myself starring at him in disbelief over what he was telling people! I confronted him, privately, about these lies, and he got very angry and INSISTED he was telling the truth! Ha! What a bunch of crap! I dealt with this for quite some time on my own and didn't mention it to anyone because I was so embarrassed about his lying. But then it started to effect his jobs also. God only knows what he was telling people at work. Almost all of his lies were just to make himself look better in some way shape or form. What he didn't and doesn't realize is that people can see right through him and know he's lying, they just don't say anything most of the time. If anyone calls him out on these lies he gets very hostile. Friends of ours were starting to confront me about his lying and were constantly asking me if what he said was true or not. Sometimes I wanted to tell them it was because I was so embarrassed by it, but I'm not a liar, in fact, I HATE liars! So I would tell them the truth, that it never happened or was so exaggerated it was unbelievable! (Pun intended)
There is also the issues of his job hopping and reckless money spending. I am a saver, he is a spender. He had more debt out there than he bothered to tell me about before we were married. And I was too young and stupid to ask, not that I would have gotten the truth anyway. He blames his debt on everybody else. His ex-wife, the company was supposed to close the account and didn't... you name it, it's somebody elses fault that he is in debt. As I mentioned, he was not working when we met, nor did he have a license to drive. Only after prodding from myself did he get his crap together and I had to pay to get the ridiculously high insurance on his car because he was now a high risk because of his DUI's.. I forced him to go out and get a job and he repeatedly called in "sick" 2 or 3 days a week. He wasn't sick, he was tired from staying up half the night and doing God knows what! He has had multiple jobs since we've been married and doesn't seem to like any of them. He is waiting for me to out earn him in money so we don't have to worry anymore. However, because of his jobs, I have had to cut my hours back at my own job in order to take care of the kids and avoid daycare costs, which we can't afford. Then he's whining because I don't make enough money, The only reason I had to cut my hours was to accomodate his schedule! I recently graduated from college with a good degree and am planning on looking for full time work when my second child (son) closer to a year this summer. I am so sick of being almost short on the mortgage because of his spending habits! With all of this job bouncing, we have lost and gained numerous health insurances. I hate being without health insurance on my kids!!! My job doesn't even offer health insurance and we are dependent on him to carry it.
After so many years of this I started to realize that the man I had married is a person I never really knew at all because he doesn't know who he is and is hiding behind his lies. And the fact is, is that I don't like the person he is at all. I am married to a person that I am not compatible with and share nothing in common with. I don't like him at all, much less love him. Had he shown his true colors in the beginning I never would have looked twice at him. I never thought I could feel such disgust for a person!
The other part of the problem is that he does indeed disgust me! He rarely showers anymore, at one point I think I counted 3 weeks between showers, he finally started brushing his teeth in the morning because I finally told him I wouldn't kiss him because his breath stunk so bad. And sex pretty much went downhill after my daughter was born because I was so damned tired, for one, but I didn't even want to. I don't like him, much less love him, why would I want to have sex with him? He nagged and nagged and then got mad when I said no. Most of our arguments were over sex for the last 5 years. He would always ask if I was still attracted to him. I said I was, but only because I was hoping that what I said was the truth and my marriage wasn't truly over. But the truth is that I was lying to myself too. I'm not attracted to ANYTHING about him, and haven't been for a long long time.
Almost 2 years ago we had a huge fight and all of the stuff about never being there for my daughter and I came out. He was shocked at my feelings then because I hinted at divorce. He has been trying since then and we also had another baby because he was doing so much better about trying to be a husband and father. After my son was born it all started going downhill again. He can only put in large efforts for small amounts of time. In the end it's all about him and what he has to do. There is no consideration for anyone else. If I have to do something and he has to take care of the kids he tells me to hurry up and get back so he can do what he wants to do. Every once in a while he really tries to act the part of husband and father, but it's just too late. How do you trust someone who can't stop lying and you can't believe a thing that comes out his mouth? How do you decipher what is the truth and what isn't???
It is to the point where I am relieved when he's gone and crabby and anxious when he's here, If and when he's home it's always him talking about how he's been working so hard just needs to relax. He puts off the kids, especially my daughter because she has more energy than the baby. He is always snapping at the kids to settle down and just be quiet. He sits his lazy butt on the couch and watches his stupid shows and watches while I bust my *** cooking and cleaning and taking care of two kids. The only time he gets up is if I'm going anywhere near the bedroom (like THAT'S going to happen!). If he's not sitting on the couch he follows me around the house and feels the need to grope me every time I walk by him. I'll walk by and he grabs my butt or my boob! Does he think that's a turn on??? All I want to do is punch him in the face! I have enough to do without tripping over him every time I turn around, much less get groped any time I happen to be near him. I used to be so disappointed when he said he was going to be gone for any period of time, now I get so excited when he leaves. He left for a week vacation and it was the best week in a long time for me! Things are so much smoother when he's not here and I'm much more relaxed and HAPPY! I don't miss him at all when he's not here.
About 5 months ago I realized that this isn't ever going to work. I married a man that I didn't even know, and now that I do know him, I hate him! Once I get a full time job I will start putting money away for a divorce and a place to live with the kids. This is going to be hard on them, but I think everyone will be happier if he and I are not together. So for now, I'm just bidding my time before I can leave. I feel somewhat guilty because he has no idea what I'm planning and I feel like everyday I'm living a lie. But I have to make sure that we are set financially before I go. Lots of planning to do! I never thought I'd be in this place when I got married.
Update - 3-1-2013
Well, my plan to get a full time job and then leave has bombed! My husband didn't come home last Thursday night and when I text him at 5 am he didn't answer. When I was getting up at 7 to go to work for a class, he was walking in the door. I went out to talk to him and couldn't find him anywhere...then he came running up the ba
This is going to be an interesting situation. All I want to do is get away from him, but I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know how to go about starting this divorce or when for that matter. I'm really in no hurry to get it done as we still have many things to get in order before I do. We have a vehicle to pay off and he needs a new one. How the whole house situation works during a divorce, I have no idea. I can't afford to stay here without his income. I told him I'm not out to screw him and don't want him to be broke, I just want to go our separate ways and have 50/50 fair everything. i won't take the kids away from him, as they need their father as much as they need their mother. I told him that we would leave the marriage with what we came in with and what our families have given us. (Furniture, dishes, etc.) He doesn't want a nasty divorce anymore than I do. He doesn't even want lawyers, and neither do I, considering the costs. But looking into doing a divorce yourself it gets complicated and I think we will both need lawyers just to make sure everything is filed correctly and it gets done right. Sigh... here we go....
By:
BidingTheTime
Age:
31-35
,
Female
