How Can I Live Without You....

My husband and I have been married for about 8 years, and dated for 1 year before that.  I knew I was destined to marry him very early on.  We just had a pull towards each other that wouldn't let go.  But it was strange, there were things about him at that time that really bugged me, but I brushed it off to immaturity on both our parts.  My folks didn't like him much, but I contributed it more to his religious affiliation then anything else.  After we were married, things just started to go down hill.  His was/is/and will always be the only way.  He would critisize me about how I loaded the dishwasher or did the laundry.  (Not that he ever once did either of those things) He started playing video games for 10+hours a day.  He would skip school and work.  Then I found out about a **** habit he had.  When confronted with it, he turned volitile and abusive.  As a rule, I don't believe in divorce, so I sought out our pastor and we took some counseling, but my husband resented being told he needed to change and stopped going. (I must add that I am not totally blameless in every fight or confrontation we had.) Right as I was at my end, I became pregnant.  The thought of raising my child on my own was very daunting. (I do not have a supportive family go turn to)  and I looked at it as a sign from God to continue to endure to the end.  Several more years of a roller coaster bi polar relationship went by.  We had two children, and things were finally starting to look up.  We had seperated, and he had seen the error in his ways, and I had changed a lot too.  He apologized and begged me to come home, and I did.  We had a great year 6, and 7, so much so that we decided we were ready for another child.  The moment I became pregnant, he totally changed.  He filled up his schedule with school and work and activities to ensure that he would rarely be home.  (He really wanted another child, it really wasn't just my idea)  Anytime I asked him for help he told me to handle it myself that his two jobs were school and work, and mine were my ft job and taking care of the house and kids while I wasn't at work.  The only time he has time for me, is when he wants sex.  I've really lost that loving feeling for him.  He comes up and gropes my breasts in front of the children.  and if I don't fall down and open up for him, then he is verbally abusive and threatening to me.  He is back to his **** habit, and tells me it is my fault.  Tells me I am lazy and frigid, and anything that I like to do as a hobby is stupid.  He actually threatened divorce if I didn't stop reading books.  I work weekends he is supposed to watch the kids while I'm at work, but he won't wake up, by the time he does, it is after 10am, he gives them an apple and yogurt, then tells the to go play or watch more tv, for an hour or 2, then he puts them to a nap, telling them that he will give them lunch after nap.  But nap takes until 5:30pm when I get home and they are starving and wanting lunch when it is dinner time.  The dishes pile up in the sink on the table, in the livingroom.  the house is completely destroyed b/c the kids have had no supervision and he doesn't clean up after himself or the kids.  Now, he tells me that since I'm having a c section there is only one day that is good for him.  Unfortunately, that date was already filled and not available.  He went balistic and said I would have to make that day available, if we have to go to another doctor or just not show up on the day it was scheduled for, that the doctor works for us, and they should do what we tell them.  He is being so abusive, and I am completely miserable.  I think to myself how great it would be for him to die.  When he leaves everyday and I hear sirens my heart almost leaps in hopes that it might be him.  And then I feel so guilty that I almost want to kill myself.  He is so controlling and mean to me that I'm really at my wits end again, but I'm about to have a baby, and my health during this pregnancy hasn't been that great.  If I leave, will I be failing the promises I made to God to stay with him forever for better or for worse?  If I leave, will I find happiness on the otherside or only more misery?  If I leave, I will become a single mom to 3 children, only one school aged.  I feel so trapped, so hopeless and lost.  If I stay, can it possibly get better?  It did for a few years before.  My plans at the moment are to have a friend open a bank account and start filtering money into it.  He has told me before that if I ever tried to take money I would pay dearly, but this way I don't think he will be able trace it because it will not be in my name and the statements won't come to me.  (Online banking is the best)  In a couple of years, (providing one of us hasn't died yet) I will only have one non school aged child, and hopefully enough $$ put away to start over.  I am still so fearful for my children at that point.  He will have joint custody or at least visitation.  How will they be treated when I'm not there to protect them?  When he doesn't have me to bully and push around?  I hate him and the position he puts us in.  I feel stupid for trying to work it out all those years and not getting out while I could.  I hate him and sometimes I really, really wish he would just die. 
SabinesStory SabinesStory
31-35, F
12 Responses Jun 28, 2007

I feel so sorry for you..u got to be strong for your childrens sake. Ur husband doesnt appreciate you, you can do it raise those children you got them to live for things will get easier just dont give up and as for your husband i wouldnt put up with that you got noting to loose, he doesnt exactly do anything for you his just a waste of space. be strong and dont give up you got your children.

I never knew the power of hate until I married this bastard. I passionatly hate his guts, I hate everything about him. his family is always calling for money, and he gives it to them behind my back, He has secrets, many secrets. I truely from the bottom of my heart hate this man. I havent left him because Its not time yet. I wish he would just fall off a clift, or get electricuted, I hate him, I hate sleeping with him, I hate the smell of his rotten *** when he comes to bed. Im going out of my mind here. Im trying to save enough money to get the hell out of here.

I agree with Jorjy, God isn't going to punish you for leaving him....that's just religion talking, I really think it's bull, well most of it. <br />
I do have a strong belief in God and the God I know is a loving, caring, and forgiving God. <br />
You have listed many forms of abuse in your story. Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse: that's inflicting emotional pain by doing things to control or degrade another. Neglect, to you and your kids. <br />
If you love yourself and your children you will benefit from leaving rather than staying. <br />
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How can you help yourself?<br />
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*be true to yourself<br />
*believe you are worthwhile<br />
*accept responsibility for yourself<br />
*recognize that you are doing your best<br />
*please yourself! (stop being a people pleaser)<br />
*state your own opinions and beliefs<br />
*accept your mistackes<br />
*set goals for yourself and work towards them<br />
*be positive<br />
*reach out to others<br />
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I hope this helps you! you and your children deserve to be in a healthier home!

I like your plan about putting money away...but PLEASE, PLEASE be careful about who you want trust with your money...i don't care how good a friend is, when money is in play everyone changes. Oh, and I hate my husband...he bit*hes all the time! Gets on my nerves!

my hasbund telling the all people that is the world scariest, crazy ***** is me, all old beaches love it to hear treating him a like princess, f-ng with him, my hasbund just fuch anyone

Get out now. This isn't a marriage. There is help available for women and their children. Call your local United Way or community help line and get yourselves and the kids out because it is never, ever going to change.

Mine goes out drinking a couple times a week untill 3am and I am 5 months pregnant. He lies about where he is and when he will be home. How could I ever raise a boy with a father who acts like that? I want my son to be a better man then that. I hate him!

catgossett, are we married to the same man? My husband thinks I'm lucky to have him because he doesn't go out drinking with his buddies. He doesn't have any buddies because he's a JERK!

I hate my husband. He is a jerk jerk jerk and thinks I am lucky to have him. Tonight-- I hate his GUTS!

Sweetie wake up and smell the coffee. Make your own destiny. What's this GOD CRAP! You are using religion to justify to yourself the reason you stay with him. Get strong and independent. Make him feel like **** about himself by telling him that he is not a real man. A real man would take care of his family and treat his wife like a princess. Having a go at their Manhood always get to men! Get well after having this baby, then start planning your new life with your kids.

well, i hope your white. because black people dont really have this option with a gaurantee. i know exactly where you are coming from and i wish i had dont this myself.<br />
my daughters father was the same way and is like that with his new wife as well. its not you its him. if you think your a good mother, you will do exactly this. tell the doctor you cheated on your husband and the kid is somebody eles baby.<br />
take your unborn to the hospital and adopt him out and dont wait fo ryour husband to take off work. i love my daughter uncondittionally but i regret not giving her up because her fathers parent have money to pay for whatever lawyer he wants and i am broke. YOU CANNOT AFFORD ANOTHER CHILD.its only a matter of time before somebody leaks out your problems and children services get involved. newborns scream and if things are not "just so" children services can and will take them kids from you.<br />
do the world a favor do yourself a favor and do a nice white couple a favor and adopt out that baby.<br />
you have two thing in your life that will ruin you. number one is that yoru religious. the second is your broke. one controlls you and the other disables you. you cannot afford another child. when these kids start showing there fathers side AND THIS WILL HAPPEN. your going to have feelings of guilt like you never felt. because you will most definetly start hating them in a way too. just trust me on this. ya know whats funny? my daughters father said he wanted to adopt out my daughter while i was pregnant and i held that against him. i thought he was giving up . i thought he was a loser and even more i felt like he was so far from loving ME that he wanted to break all ties before we even gave our relationship a shot (having a baby with him was my idea of giving it a shot at the time) i thought having a baby would give us a reason to work together.<br />
anyway when my water broke he got soooo angry with me because i was going to have a baby in the middle of the night and HE had to go to work in the morning... sound familiar?<br />
it dows not matter how nice i am to him (we been apart for about 8 years) he is still as abusive as he can get away with especially when it comes to controlling my daughter-he can and does use her against me.<br />
so. adopt out the baby. go into a shelter like i did and start over. you will feel better. you will have regrets and you will have a breakdown,then you will feel better. you will feel guilty fo rthe rest of your life wether youkeep that baby or adopt it out. call the police on your husband put his butt in jail. have the baby while hes locked up and adopt that kid out immediatly.tell him the baby died fuc him hes an *** anyway and will abuse him/her just like he does the other two and you. and the **** issue-i know all about that too. it just keeps getting worse and worse.<br />
you have very little choices here so heed my advise.its never going to get better. a miricle isnt going to happen and you can always file for and open adoption. you may even find a nice rich couple that wants to set you up with your own place as a thank you for giving your child a good home to them.<br />
theres more options-your already contiplating on killing yourself and dont lie your husband too. so the right thing for once and adopt out that baby-dont ever look at it. just get the surgery and go home.

Your anger is very understandable! As is your regret at not having left earlier, but I guess there is only so far that regret gets one (which would be nowhere much, if my own much more trivial in comparison regrets are anything to go by!).<br />
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I think you have the beginnings of an excellent escape plan there, as well. <br />
<br />
I've never been in your situation, but I suspect that there are additional things you can put in place, so that the time you spend before leaving is all focused towards making the leaving as easy as possible? It might also bring some more hope back into your life :) I am sure that if you commit to making a better life for you and your children, it will happen. <br />
<br />
I'm just thinking of spending little bits of time here and there, because you have your hands full already, I'm sure! Practical stuff like: Shoring up your social support networks. Developing skills and contacts so that when you do leave you are well prepared. Once your eldest gets old enough, prepare them well for what is acceptable behaviour and what to do if anything bad happens whilst with their father. Investigate the legal options, it may be that there are ways of putting constraints on his access if it is provable that he is of poor character?