Where to Start?

Married since October 2007 and what to show for it? Hard to start because at this point, I have no idea why I'm still here. While we dated I found out that he was still trying to get with his ex-girlfriend he had only been with for less than 3 months. I had been abducted and abused and was a virgin before that, which was important to me to remain one. I also had the idea that I'd like a guy to be a virgin too. Seems like a sweet idea. Since he had found out a basic of what happened, he LIED to me and told me he had never had sex. And was trying to make me feel better by calling me 'his little virgin'. The night we did have sex - didn't go too well, I ended up crying, but hey - sweet comforting guy, held me, he didn't get anything out of it but snot and tears but he was sweet and comforting. Much later when I decided I wanted sex to be an enjoyable thing (after abuse had left my idea of waiting till marriage) and to try again... we get to messing around which he stats "at least it's not like that one time, I had bloody hands" foreplay quickly ends to the fact of "you lied? who'd you have sex with?" So that builds up GREAT trust, even more so for someone who was abused. He had had sex with his very first girlfriend whom he even hated and lied to her and told her he loved her just to sleep with her. She's even ugly and gross. No lie. So wonderful there. After that I find out that he's been cyber -stalking his last ex-gf (he's only had two), and still trying to be "friends with her" although he's tell her that he loves her and doesn't understand and blah blah come back blah blah... yeah "friends" - while he's sleeping with me I find this out. After months he still "couldn't pick" between a girl who dumped him and a girl currently with him. Why'd I stay? No idea, I guess protection. I told him I was going to leave him though and he apparently stopped trying to hook back up with her. After a year, yes YEAR of being together, and putting me through a lot of unwritten pain regarding his ex and making me feel second, I find out that he still thinks it's okay to try and be friends with her and "hey maybe we can all hang out?" .... .... .... He drove 3 hours to see her once, when they were dating for that short, short time, and she had a friend from next door over, and she told him to go home. Not only does she look like a guy, she's self-centered, rude and well, frankly a *****. Thanks for putting me second. After living in dorms together, we got an apt. Then another. He brought his old bed from his parents house for us to sleep on as a married couple.... the bed he lost his virginity in. Wonderful. I threw it out.

Apt inspecters were coming over one day, 24 hr notice, which was really a 7 hour notice, to hide the fact we have a few kitties. They're great cats, but we couldn't afford the pet deposit at the time. We've had to do this a few times before, we put them in the cage, in the car, car on, with water and food, for about an hour, in the shade. Well, this time, I'll never forgive him - in September 2008 my husband killed my cats. He left them in the car in the sun with no water, no A/C or air or anything. I didn't get to say goodbye to them, he buried them somewhere that he will not take me to, and I cry every day because I love them and he killed them. When I kept asking him "please go check on them, please... the car is ON right? AC? Are they okay?" He ******* said it was. He told me to stop nagging. He 'checked on them' and said they were fine at one point. I hate him for it so much. Everyday I see him I want to stab him. I know it broke his heart too, he thought they'd be fine, and we both cried. But I just wanted to kill myself. All six, gone. I never get to hold them again. Never get to open the bedroom door and have Isis run in all happy and jump in my bed. None of the babies or my boy do I get to play with. 

He calls me names, is moody and a jerk. Doesn't help with anything. He's a murderer, a liar, he broke my heart so many times... and this is entry one. I just touched on two things really. Have three + years to tell about...

assassinkitty assassinkitty
1 Response Feb 28, 2009

Wow that's F-ed up.