Dont Know What to Think

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 1. It has never been an easy road for us. being together at a young age (high school) you could imagine the drama that ensued the first few years. He has never been physically abusive or unfaithful. But the problem is... he is selfish. Selfish and lazy to be exact. I have always sacraficed my own happiness to not create waves. He is unaffectionate 95% of the time and doesn't understand why this upsets me. He doesn't want to have sex with me, he doesn't want to kiss me and he doesn't feel as though he should have to tell me he loves me most of the time. He wonders why i am so angry and severly depressed all the time. He thinks that by marrying me i should just know that he cares. he is not sensitive to my feelings and rolls his eyes anytime i bring up why i am upset. i dont even know what to do anymore. part of me knows that he is with me bc he loves me but the other part wonders why he never shows it. I am this mans backbone. i do everything for him without question and never really complain when doing so. But yet, when its the other way around and i ask him to do somethign for me he will tell me no or make me wait until he's done doing things for himself (like watching a movie or playing xbox) We are complete opposites and while we used to have a great time together, i feel like we have become more and more distant as the weeks pass. I dont want to end it. I want so badly for things to get better. I could be out there partying it up with my friends and drinking all hours of the night, flirting with random strangers. But i dont. I dont want to. All i want is for him to show his love for me. he doesn't have to be all over me 24/7/365, i like my space too, but make me feel loved and wanted. He tells me i have low selfesteem and that i am too hard on myself but then turns his back on me when i ask him for sex or even just to lay down and cuddle with me. He likes to cuddle but only when it's good for him. Never when its good for me. He will watch me cry to the point where i am gasping for air but will not reach out to me and try to solve the problem. Instead he turns away and continues on with his business. I have threatened leaving and he says nothing but "if thats what u need to do. but it will only make it worse." I have slept on the couch only to wake up and he is mad that i am being ridiculous.  He tells me i'm reaching for a fairytale romance. I know i am not. I dated someone during one of our breakups who treated me like gold. Who actually wanted to be around me and had fun spending time with me. Why i went back to him.. i have no idea. I can't understand why I am reaching out to him and he time and time turns away. He doesn't want me to leave but yet shows no interest in me when I stay. It doesn't make any sense. I have asked him over and over again if he wants to break things off, if he just doesn't want me around, if he doesn't care about me...and the answers are always the same. I do care about you i do love you. but he can't show it ever.


i give up.  im tired of trying to mend things. do i sit back and continue to ignore my needs and my desires? do i pretend that things are good even when i'm dying inside? i'm tired of the endless fights, tired of hearing myself talk and watching him stare back with nothing to say. im tired of him taking no intiative in this marriage. im tired of being the one to always give love and have to beg for it back.

aloneallthetime08 aloneallthetime08
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 13, 2009

Well first and foremost DONT CHEAT..i know the temptation is very strong, but don't make the mistake of going out and getting it elsewhere. The reason i say this is because you still love this man and the guilt would eat you alive! I am def. pro marriage and think people take it too lightly and run when the going gets tough, hence the high divorce rate, nobody wants to put the effort into it. But you seem to have the drive to save it, but are hitting a wall of stubbornness in all attempts. Once again like I told Boca, take a step back, file for a legal separation and see where that leads you. You have done all you can do while still remaining there, taking a break is the only logical explanation. Once you guys are out of each others face, and some of that pressure has been pacified you might b able to see solutions that were hidden in the haze of confusion before. Separation is scary because there is always the fear that they will move on, find someone else, etc. but in the end if they do take that path than your relationship was pretty much dead to begin with. Sit down with him and outline your conditions of the separation, what you need from it, hope to get from it, and what is acceptable and what is not. My best friend and her husband were going through a very similar situation, except she was the one who had became emotionally withdrawn. They separated for almost a year, within that year they learned so much about themselves and they learned to appreciate each other. They are now back together and more in love than ever. So it does work, at this point you don't have a lot to lose if it doesn't. You cannot live life with that amount of anger inside of you, it is so unhealthy and will only cause harm. And as far as why you seemingly have the need to be constant reaching out to him, knowing the result, no you arent crazy. It is natural . The more rejection you face the more the desire is to make it better, or prove yourself. I have seen this in alot of the children I mentor. The more rejected they feel by their parents the harder they try to gain their acceptance and approval. Dont put yourself down for that or feel stupid. The desire to feel wanted is human nature! I hope this helps a little! Take care.

Oh my god! You just described my relationship with my husband. I was reading your story and was crying. I feel your pain. My husband even says the same things. It is so scary to think of being alone even though for the last ten years we have been. I bet there are good days as well that give you the feeling that maybe things will turn around and then "bam" right back to cold. There is no sex or any kind of contact at all. It is human nature to have human contact. I guess we both have to wake up. My heart goes out to you.

you have only been married 10 years, so u must be fairly young, LEAVE