I have been married to this guy for 10 years this May and together for 11. When I met him he was my prince charming. He was so sweet and a fantastic lover. We have been through so much and always patched things up. He is nice to strangers all the time and to me I get nasty comments about everything. I cannot do anything right. I can't drive right, I'm not a good parent, My job is not physical enough and here's the kicker...I make more money than him and it hurts his pride. There is no communication at all. If I want to talk he has a fit and calls me every name in the book. I really love it when he tells me to shut the **** up. Lovely, huh. Well I am a great person with tons of friends and a wonderful job. I have raised 2 beautiful girls and now have a 8 year old son that is a great kid and smart as well. We have gone over a year without having sex or any skin contact at all. I tried to have a conversation or communicate this to him but once again I was told to shut it. I don't want to have my son lose his dad but I don't think I can take anymore. I am a passionate person who needs to be touched and love conversation. He on the other hand has so many issues. His father committed suicide when he was seven. His mother just passed away about a year ago. She drank so much and was always tanked. His brother is a pill popper who has been on methadone for 3 years and now hooked on Xanax. His sister is going on her 3rd marriage. He has problems with drinking as well. He goes through a 12 pack every other day and will sit there and drink 7 to 10 beers in a row and not even be buzzed. What have I gotten myself into. He has another child with his ex girlfriend that he never sees or calls. When I met him he told what a witch she was and how much he hated her. That poor boy has grown up without his father. I don't want that for my boy. He does love his dad but I can't take it anymore.         

bocablonde bocablonde
41-45, F
9 Responses Mar 14, 2009

I agree..nothing will change in your family until he gets clean. If he can't get clean then you NEED to leave. Get to some AA or Al-Anon meetings...and keep going until you find one you like. Go for the support, go to hear others, go to give support, go for the coffee...just go. You can't do this alone.

AL-ANON groups might help you better deal with the situation and might help with any feelings (like you'd like the man dead). I've already tried this as one of my many ideas. And changed the ways I acted toward him to foster a more sober life within him. Just remember if it doesn't work you have not failed as a wife for him, but he has failed as a husband for you. But, who knows AL-ANON just might be the start you need. I've got three girls and another due in May, all by my husband. I'm on bed rest right now, and have fibromyalgia. If I can do it you can. Make sure you've got the 5 year birth control just in case. Call family and tell them you can't take his crap anymore. This just might wake him up. I'm sure they will be happy to help get you out and way from his grasps.

My husbands got no where to go also unless he goes 800 miles away, then my kids will really have no dad in there life. Along with having no license and no transportation. He will loose his job, and probably move to Vancouver, Washington to the $50,000 a year job he had before he screwed our marriage up so badly and I had to move in with family. I've told him he never should have followed me if he knew he couldn't stop drinking. And I have asked him why he couldn't have just stayed away if he didn't want to get better. I must sound so cold hearted to you, but really how else could he understand. I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING IN THE BOOK AND HE'S FAILED. Mine also had a bad family life and was beat up on a regular basis by his father when his mother let him move to Alaska to have a relationship with the weirdo. So along with being the first born of a family of five living in a low socioeconomic status for years with his mother. His father left his mom with 5 children and lived in Alaska, so he's got abandonment issues also. The two out of the five children spend 2 years or more with there weirdo father who was very brutal, are the ones with the life coping issues. They have been addicted to drugs at some point in time and still smoke cigarettes. The other sibling that spent more time with there father has to go to counseling on a regular basis and is doing well being a mother, part time student and working part time also, but still has a husband that finds it funny to put her down in front of family. I had an alcoholic step father and lived in poverty also we had some things in common and I felt like I could have sympathy for my husband, I guess. <br />
Mine had a doctor appointment got some anti depressant that should help him sleep better and not drink (maybe). He hasn't bothered telling me if he's going to be referred to an out patient program like I wanted him to. Most Alcoholics first have to stop drinking before any counseling or therapy can help them with there emotional issues. Mine has been to counseling for a period of time and it didn't seem to help. I've never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes so it's hard for me to feel for what he might be going through. I think loosing his family should be motivation enough to stop. Along with having no place to live, no car, no education. I have all the reasons in the world to call him dumb if he's not willing to do what it takes. If he's not able to do it, and I can't do it for him, the simple truth is I have to be a cold hearted B***h and get him away from me and his kids. I've been soft and loving in the past and it hasn't worked. I'm almost done with all the ideas I have to help him get better. I have no IDEAS LEFT after him switching doctors. If he's not willing or able to do what it takes I can be smart enough to find someone better, a lot better. Maybe not right away but after I've got a full time job as a teacher in special education, it really shouldn't be a problem finding someone with higher education, and a heart and soul worth loving. If I get papers served and it takes months to get him out it will be worth the effort. And I will count it an accomplishment, because I will know I have done everything I could do, AND THAT HE HAS FAILED NOT ME. When he's gone I don't need to worry about him drinking and be angry when he does. He knows I'm done. Now it's time to see just how smart he can be. If he can be sober for 2 years or so I just might think about moving back to Vancouver with him so we could have more money, but not when he's still being a drunk. He should have got his act together by now he's had three years, and we could have been on our way back but no. AND HE WONDERS WHY I'M ANGRY WITH HIM. Can't be that smart I guess, such a dumb***. Drunk husbands suck elephant balls. You have done it before, and you have become smarter. You can find someone who doesn't need fixing. No one needs (maybe some want, but you don't) a fixer upper car if you can afford a new one. You want someone with talent, that is stable, and comfortable in his own skin. There are more normal guys out there than you might think. Oh, and how could you be more lonely than you are now if it takes a while to find a good one it would be well worth the time being single. That's how I feel anyway.<br />
"The confidence of others in you will never be greater then the confidence you have in your self." Clinton Davidson

Thank you Amyjo, Yes, it hurts so much. Just last night after days of not talking to me and just treating me like such crap we both sat down and talked about the day and laughed and played with the dog and our son. It seemed like such a weight had been lifted off my back and I was thinking wow maybe just maybe he is re-thinking how horrible he was and bam. We woke in the morning and guess what? He was not talking to me again and the rolling of the eyes and when he was leaving for work I asked him for a kiss goodbye and he said no don't think so. I thought I had been kicked in the chest. It hurt so bad. Why would an intelligent woman as myself put up with this. It is so cyclical and yet I keep letting him in and hurting me. I wish that a legal separation was the key but like I said in my earlier email he really has no-where to go. He has one real friend who has just asked his girlfriend to move in. I own my home and cannot afford to leave and pay half my mortgage. I have asked him to leave and he insists on not leaving his home. Right now I am sitting at my desk as he sits in the same chair in the living room and stays there all night until he is sufficiently full of beer and falls asleep. The other day he called me a c**t and a sh*t bag. I know this is verbal abuse but why oh why do I put up with this... I guess I deserve it by staying. Sometimes I wish a knight in shining armour will wisk me off my feet and make me see that I deserve so much more. But the thought of doing this all over again ( this is my second marriage. My first husband was a crack head ) I sure know how to pick them. I guess I have a need to fix people and I just can't fix this one. The fear of being alone is paralyzing.

Boca, I have been through that and it is actually considered domestic abuse when they withdraw all emotional and physical contact. It is worse than physical abuse in some aspects. With my first husband i went 6 months without a hug, kiss, well any touch at all. He slept on the sofa i slept alone in our king sized bed. And yes it hurts, god does it hurt. After filing for a divorce I found out about his childhood, something he had been very tight lipped about before. He had been sexually abused by his baby sitters, his mom was a drunk (still is), his father abusive, his entire family is messed up. If there is any love left for him, which i assume there is since you still want him in your sons life, i would recommend taking a break (legal sep.) in which time he needs to seek therapy as a condition of the sep. It sounds like he has a lot of issues and he is never going to be able to be there for u or your son until he gets help with them. I would like to say the hell with him, hes trash just leave and don't look back, but it seems as though he was never taught how to deal with anything in a healthy manner. His parents obviously didn't instill that into their children. So if he is willing to do this there is still a shot, if not at that point you have to decide what is in the best interest of your child. Children are like sponges and soak up everything in their environment, both negative and positive. But you do need to get him out of the current situation. If you don't inevitably he will learn his coping from what you show him, and so the cycle will continue. God Bless you and your family, be strong, get out of there, assess the situation from a distance (usually the best way to get a full picture) and make your decisions based on that!

You can tell your husband you have been giving the pig a chance to be a pig to you. And your little boy a chance to learn to be a pig too. <br />
Mine is getting fixed so he can't have anymore kids and then I'm dumping him if he continues to drink. I was nice for to long and put up with to much because I wanted my kids to have a dad in there life. My kids love him, but if he takes one more drink he's done for. I wanted marriage counseling for a long time but I've got to the point that I'm giving up on him because he didn't seem to care enough to keep this from happening. I hate that's it's (DIVORCE) happening but I'd hate to stay in it longer even more. I hate the fact that he's pushed me to this point. I'm going to counseling on my own, not with him. Just to make sure I'll be okay through the end of this crap of a marriage. If he wasn't such an idiot, and cared more about our marriage this wouldn't be an issue. I've got fibromyalgia and feel I wouldn't have it if I wasn't under so much stress in the first place. <br />
Why must we wife's be the ones to care so much about our marriage and try everything in the books and internet to keep things together, just to be hurt and let down over and over again. I've tried and tried nothing has worked, and I'm the idiot for believing he cared because all he was doing was lieing to keep me with him. No physical abuse, he's not a mean drunk, just stupid drunk. Car wreaks, stealing, lost jobs,seziers, missing family functions your typical low life. It takes a good man to be a good man. I'm a good woman and he hasn't become a good man. Don't think if you can just be better or be more assertive or learn something new about relationships he'll become a better person for you and his son. I thought that and it's been nothing but bad news over and over again. He's got no GED and no license. If he cared he'd at least have a GED right? Hell ha, if he cared he's have a degree or two by now also. I wish MINE could impress me, but mine is just a let down. I thought I was giving him a good reason to be a better person. He no longer thinks I'm a pain in the ***. And is telling me he's not craving alcohol because he doesn't want to loose his family. Good right? Well I hate him for putting me through all that, to get him to understand what's at stake. He's lost all my respect, even though he's now able to be respectful to me. Now is when I should be happier, he no longer put's me down like your husband does and he tells me he wants to be a sober husband and father for our kids. He also siad, he'll be getting his GED. I say show me, enough of your talk. I need to see actions, some progress would be nice, any day now. I've come to the realization that I had to become a hardhearted ***** for you to see reality and think about being a better person for your family, am I right? I'm supposed to be supportive and have faith in this lazy man that wants to get better. And alonon let's on not to take it personal....... Point is you don't want to get to this point, you will not be happy with your self or him later even if he becomes more respectful, if he's still drinking HE'S STILL A DRUNK AND YOU'L STILL HATE HIM FOR NOT STOPPING FOR YOU AND YOUR BOY. If he doesn't think he has a problem, and you have the problem. I'd tell him he's right I do have the problem, and the problem is you. I'd have less problems and heart ache without you, and if you don't think I'm thinking straight tell me how you can be a two faced person to so many people and treat me like crap. If you keep acting like this you will have a divorce in your hands... and give him a date. Then when he sees it and doesn't want any marriage counseling go through with it. You could say, Why do you think I should put up with being put down? Why do YOU want this marriage to fail? It will fail if you can't understand what your doing wrong, then you'll marry again and it will fail again. Will you still think it's the other persons fault? And will you tell stories about how horrible I was and never see your son? Do you want this to happen, another failed marriage. Don't put me down now because your lucky I haven't divorced your *** by now. SOCIOPATHS ARE GOOD AT CHARMING PEOPLE. I feel for you.

So what you are saying is that I live in a fantasy world and hear what I want. I am gullible and believe he is going to change. Or should I say hope.

This I know is true. Then why is it so hard to leave.

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