I am new to these pages, and have never written a blog like this before, however I am so fed up I feel I need to vent my frustration.
My family and my husband's family were long time friends, and when I was growing up I worshipped him from afar - there is an 11 year age gap. When I was 20 he asked me out to which I agreed, and we got married 2 years later. I had a stepson, and almost from the word go if I told him off my husband called me the "evil stepmother." That's when the first drips of anger started against my husband. He always took my stepson's side and wouldn't have him reprimanded for anything - at the time I doubted myself and thought maybe I was being overly parental, however we now have a 7 year old and a 2 year old and guess what, he tells them I am a nasty mother who hates them and I don't want them, etc, etc, and this is me just being a normal mum with normal children who have tantrums and want their own way - however in his book children should never need to cry!
On top of that, before I had the children I worked full time in a bank which I gave up to look after the children, and I now want to return to work part time. He started his own business 4 years ago and he doesn't want me to go out to work, he wants me to work for the business which I can't stand. He uses the argument that it is him who has kept a roof over our heads for the past 7 years, if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have the car, food, clothes for children,blah, blah, blah.
I decided I would do a college course 3 hours a week for 10 weeks - he has stopped that as well, just with his constanst negative comments eg, "yeah, you find childcare and go off on your little college course - you won't get any help from me." (there are loads I could mention however don't want to go on too much.
I just feel so weak - I can't stand arguing or standing up for myself - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
He criticises the work I do for the business, he criticises the way I keep the house, the way I treat the children, what I cook for tea, the TV programmes I watch, the magazines I read. I used to really enjoy doing gardening and odd jobs around the house - he criticized me for wasting my time farting about when I should be earning money. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about earning money.
I hate him. I have recently had visions of being violent towards him - is this concerning?
I just feel so trapped and unloved and alone.
Off to do the school run now. Thanks for listening.