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I Can't Stand Being Around Him

I cannot believe, looking back 17 years, that I was madly in love with him.  He is so up himself its beyond belief.  I am desperate to leave, but we have 3 children and I am worried about how much it will affect them; apart from that I have no money to set us up somewhere else.  I am unable to talk to anyone else about my feelings as he comes across as such a wonderful person to other people, but changes behind closed doors.  He 'found God' about 8 years ago and is now obsessed by it.  He won't mix with anyone who isn't a committed Christian, and disapproves of my friends.  I can't even have friends round any more as he dominates the conversation and tries to convert everyone he meets. 

At home he is a completely different person - he gets in from work, moans about his day and then sits on his arse in front of the tv all night.  He won't lift a finger to help, and when I ask him to do something (like help with the washing up) he gets one of the kids to do it.  He is now even talking about giving up his job and getting a part time job so he only has to work in the mornings - probably so he can spend more time at Church.  We struggle for money as it is and I am studying as well as working full time so I can get a better job.  Conversly, if anyone from church asks him to do anything he jumps.. this is why they think he is so wonderful.  He thinks more of them than he does his own family.

I did leave once.  I sat him down and tried to talk about our situation and how low I was feeling, he just carried on watching the tv - wouldn't even turn it off and talk to me like an adult.  The only response I got from him was to ask if I wanted us to split up.  In desperation I said yes.  He said I was ruining the kids lives and carried on watching tv.  It  was surreal.  The next morning I went and got the food shopping.  When I got back he had been drinking; he threw the bottle of wine across the room and said that I deserved to die for what I had done to him and that he could kill me.  He came within inches of my face with his fist - the kids were only in the next room.  Petrified, I shouted for the kids to come with me and ran to my brothers.  I found out later that he went down to the church hall where there was a function on that afternoon and told them how I had left him and showed how upset he was... for a group of Christians they were apparently very disparaging of me.  I bet he didn't tell them what he did.  On the second day he came to see me, begging to come home, crying and intimating that he would kill himself.  This affected my sister in law badly so I could no longer stay there.  I had no choice but to come back home - I was more worried about the kids as I had nowhere to go.  I lost half a stone that weekend.

I now feel so trapped, I don't want to be here.  I can't stand being at home when he is here.  I feel such a weight lifted when he is out.  I have to stick it out until the kids are older and I have some money behind me, but I cannot stand living this was any longer.

thegirlonthebridge thegirlonthebridge 36-40, F 23 Responses May 26, 2009

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As a Christian women my self
A Christian is to leave and cleave
You are his one flesh and the order is GOD first
Wife second , children third.... And so on....
That is a act of selfishness
He is doing what he wants and justifying it with " it's for the LORD" being a mother of six children ... I was heavily involved In helping out At church .... I began to see that I didn't have enough time in a day to take care of my family and help out the church..... The LORD calls us to train up our child and I was to busy with church affairs .... I had to see that my children are watching me and I needed to take care of my family emotionally and spiritually first ... I needed to take care of my first ministry my husband and children as a priority ....
One day my children will be adults and I never want them to resent that I was to busy taking. Care of church affairs and not them ...
I love the LORD and right now In This season of my life I will train up my children to know GOD and his forgiveness and LOVE for us ... Not only with my voice but through my actions... GOD bless YOU and your family :)

He is CLEARLY not a "real" Christian (he's a "religionist") or God would be changing his heart regarding his attitude towards you, his children and life in general. He clearly doesn't even want to provide for his family, which is one of the FIRST commands for men in his Bible! I would try and start a business and get out of there. Start over and do what you have to do for yourself and your kids! Good Luck! Also, don't let your filthy husband's WRONG beliefs and attitude effect your possible relationship with God, because God is disgraced by such behavior per His Word! Your husband might try reading the Bible HIMSELF, instead of running over to the church to hear what the pastor wishes to misconstrue and tickle his ears with. I GUARANTEE if he did that (granted he actually DOES believe in Christ), he CANNOT remain the same!

I know how you feel. I hate when my husband is home, I literally feel sick to my stomach in his presence. He is selfish and anytime I try to talk to him about any problems he starts yelling, he seems to think yelling and scaring me makes him right. He yells all the time, I can't stand him.

My heart goes out to you because I am in a similar situation. My husband and I are not allowed to discuss anything! If I bring up something that is bothering me he screams at me, punches walls, kicks chairs and calls me every name in the book. He turns every conversation we have into an argument, then turns it on me like I am the bad person. He feels if he shouts enough and gets in my face I will just shut up and bow down and kiss his feet. We cannot calmly discuss anything....nothing at all! No one should ever have to be in a situation like this! I cannot afford to support our 3 children on my paycheck alone. Due to the laws where I live, he would only have to give me 25% of his pay and no alimony despite being married for 22 yrs. With combined incomes we live pay check to pay check, and often don't have enough to make it through a week due to his constant wasting of money. I need out but I also need to figure out how to support my 3 children on my own.

You don't want to wait. Your kids will thank you and respect you for not making them be raised by their dad. It is very unhealthy for them to have a father like him and will seriously affect their lives. I know it is hard to hear. I am still living in a mentally abusive relationship. My kids are grown but their father left mental scars on them and I can never make them go away. I would not let him physically abuse us but I didn't stop the mental abuse. My daughter though beautiful and a school teacher graduated high school with an AA degree but at 25 still has low self esteem. My son graduated top of his class and is 22 and an Air traffic contoller very handsome and funny but low self esteem. No matter how much the mother praises and encourages her children, the father is the one person in their lives they want this from. It damages them to see him beat down the mother with words. I didn't know how to leave either. They have moved out and are on their own and my husband and I just share the house after 36 years, I love him but cannot stand him. I hope you can get out and find happiness.

I have been married for Eleven years..he was always out doing his own thing...soccer..bowling...poker...bars......coming home late and usually drunk. So, a year and a half ago he goes away to a soccer tournament and is mean to me when he gets home..more than usual. I found out he cheated with a girl he met in a bar by looking at texts on his phone. When confronted he lied and was absolutely horrible to me.<br />
I as a result...lost 50 pounds and look completey different....he is possesive now and wont really let me go out or anything. I am still very devastated over the cheating. He now stays home every night and has quit all his sports activities....but I am having a very hard time being around him. He constantly tells me "get over it" but how can I? I feel like he destroyed our lives and he does not deserve to have me around. He completely humiliated me and and I think everyone has lost respect for me for staying with him. I know I can do better....I cannot stand being around him anymore.

I would have left my husband 20 yrs ago if I hadn't already had our child. Now my son says we shouldn't have stayed together for him & his little brothers. I also stay cause I don't think I can support myself

I would have left my husband 20 yrs ago if I hadn't already had our child. Now my son says we shouldn't have stayed together for him & his little brothers. I also stay cause I don't think I can support myself

Wow, reding these stories is eye-opening, and sad because I am experiencing most of the same issues all of you are going through. I am sad and depressed most of the time because I am not happy. I feel trapped and can't handle making my daughter suffer by not having her dad in the house. She is a true daddy's girl. So I know taking her away from him would kill a part of her inside. He is good for playing with her and making her feel secure which is important for her so she doesn't seek love and affection from other men (like I did). But when it comes to me, he has broken my trust countless times and put me through pure hell! For example one thing he did that I still can't let go is he called me a "fat black *****" when I was 7 months pregnant. I am African-American for those of you who didn't get the black reference and with African-American as you know our complexions differ from very light skin to very dark skinned. I am dark brown like mocha and a lot of lighter skinned African-Americans tend to think they are superior to darker skinned people. When he said that to me, I can't even explain how I was feeling inside and still feel. I can I felt betrayed, tricked, ugly, fat and regretted choosing to keep my daughter. I never wanted children in the first place. He pressured me about it for so long I decided to do it. Then to have him say those hurtful, sprit killing words to me was and still truly unbearable. And to top it off he said it in front of his brother. I have so much resentment towards him not only for that but for so many other things. I can't stand to be near him. When i am I feel so inadequate and I can hear and see all the hurtful things I have endured. Another issue I deal with which is very hurtful is after I had my daughter I had a few extra ponds a d stretch marks from the pregnancy and didn't focus on myself once she was here so I totally let myself go. Well about a year ago he lost a bunch of weight and once when we were having an argument he told me ideas jealous of him because he lost all his weight! Again I was floored! And once again regreting my decision to have a child. He is very vain which is a total turn off to me. It's like he tries to one up me on everything and is has worn me down to a weak, voiceless shell of my former self. Before I met hm I was indepenent, very smart and drop dead georgeous and ashamed of what I have become. I don't have any family to turn to for help. When I voice my feelings and try to let him know what I a holding in he flys off the handle and accuses me of not being able to forgive and that I live in the past. I have forgiven him but can't shake the pain. Can't talk to anyone about it. Please share your insight with me. I am so grateful a site like this exist which allows me to vent in a non-threatening way.

I understand your pain...and I am sorry for you! I have been married for 11 years and have a 10 yr old daughter by this husband...and a 24 year old from my 1st marraige.<br />
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when i married my 2nd husband,I thought he was the one...only to find out he is worse then the 1st. He is controlling...and has a horrible temper.We were seperated for a while because of it...and sought out marriage counseling,but I'm finding out...he is still a nasty self centered discusting freak!<br />
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I hoard ton's of resentment towards him...I find that just looking at him,makes me sick! It's all about him...his money...and his house! He has never included me on any of our houses...or the bank ccounts...it's discusting!<br />
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He has always been jelous of my son,because he know's how much my kids mean too me...so,he has always showed a little resentment towards my son...and for that alone I hate him.<br />
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He is a liar...and a very strang person...but like alot of you,i stay with him,because it would break my 10 yr olds heart. if I left. Additionally,i cannot afford a lawyer...or a place to live right now...so,i un-happily stay with him,yuk!<br />
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I ask God everyday for the courage to get through my days...but i am so tired of all of this,I just want too leave him and move on...but then i have my daughter.<br />
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i miss being loved unconditionally...and I miss loving someone.I hope there will be another chance for me...because it would be pretty sad knowing that this man was the pathedic last in my life!

Wow. I am a christian woman and I'm saddened to hear of what you are experiencing. This is not a true representation of genuine biblical christianity. There is a big difference between getting religion and getting Jesus; When a person has truly surrendered to the risen Lord, he has love and mercy, not control and intolerant superiority. One becomes more loving and giving, not less. Humility begins to replace pride and that means being able to receive correction and having the integirty to admit when one is wrong. It doesn't happen overnight but if one's salvation is real, it does happen. It sounds like your husband is using his "faith" as a way to dress his selfishness in robes of righteousness. Let me give you some "inside information" that may help you. If he is a real christian, his first and foremost desire will be to obey Jesus. Jesus said : "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? Luke 6:46. <br />
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By treating you like dirt and refusing to deal with you in a Christlike manner, he is directly disobeying God's clear command. This is what the bible says his duties as a husband are: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5<br />
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As far as his not wanting to work goes God's word says to men: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.1 Timothy 5:8<br />
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The christians at his church are in gross error to prejudge you, if what he reported of their agreeement with him is actually the fact. Proverbs 18 :17 says:The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him. <br />
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This may be difficult for you, but I would encourage you not to sit at home feeling helpless and at the mercy of whatever he tells you. I would instead, make an appointment with his pastor and let him in one what is really going on. Be absolutely truthful about not only his failings but yours as well. Tell the pastor that you are not a beleiver and that ba<x>sed on what you've seen, you aren't impressed. Tell him that you have not left your husband but rather he is rejecting and mistreating you. <br />
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If his pastor is truly a man of God, he will not be biased and he will offer your husband biblical counsel. You see, Christian churches are supposed to follow God's pattern in the bible and this includes church discpline for members who are professing one thing but doing quite another. Many churches have wimped out on this clear responsibilty. It is not okay for a man to abuse his wife and aba ndon his marriage vows. His behaviour is sinful and selfishly disobedient and his pastor should cal him to account for it and be willing to work with him and mentor him. I'm speaking from the perspective on a believer, a perspective which you may not share at this time, but from my view point, defaming Jesus and messing with eternal matters is no small deal. For someone to reject Jesus after genuinely meeting him is one thing but to do it because of being turned away by a false and hurtful example that totally misrepresents Him and His heart towards you is quite another .<br />
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One last thing: If his pastor doesn't practice church discpline, you might want to give him a copy of Jay Adams booklet,, Handbook of Church Discipline. Your husbands pastor has a clear duty before God to properly shepherd his soul and correct him where needed for the sake of his soul and life.<br />
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You might want to consider also reading Martha Peace's book The Excellent Wife. Some of the feminist persuasion claim she teaches women to put up with abuse but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if he is hitting you or abusing you, you have the right to go to his pastor and elders and tell them what is going on (hopefully they are men of God and will therefrore do something about it as they should) and you also have the right to call the pol ice. For his skae and yours and your children. You may not at this point in your life, agree with all that is s aid in both books but at least you will get an understanding of what is truly christian and bibilcial and your husband cannot wrongly use God's word to justify his blatant disobedience. It sounds like he is being badly deceived by his own flesh (christian terminology for our fallen nature that always wants its own way and can find any number of creative dodges to make it seem right). I am sorry you are experiencing this. Even if you are not a beleiver, God's heart always hears the cry of the distressed and those that are suffering injustice; God is not partial in the sense that He would side with your husband aginst you whe he is sinning. Its right to cry out to God for help and intervention. God doens't force but He can sure arrange providential circumstances in your lives. Hang in there.

Like most of you, I can't stand my husband. Married 10+yrs, together for 17. During our entire relationship prior to marriage and about 5yrs into it he cheated. Obviously I didn't find out until it was too late. We now have 3 children and our 4th is on the way. He hasn't had a real job in over 5 years, when he quit to get away from his girlfriends. I work full-time, homeschool, and take care of everything. He plays on his phone, sleeps, and finds things to accuse me of. Searches really for all sorts of random things, and it drives me crazy having to answer the dumbest questions. I have started telling him that I can't be bothered, that I dont care anymore. And I don't. I just want to live my life without him. He is the laziest most irresponsible person I know!

Like most of you, I can't stand my husband. Married 10+yrs, together for 17. During our entire relationship prior to marriage and about 5yrs into it he cheated. Obviously I didn't find out until it was too late. We now have 3 children and our 4th is on the way. He hasn't had a real job in over 5 years, when he quit to get away from his girlfriends. I work full-time, homeschool, and take care of everything. He plays on his phone, sleeps, and finds things to accuse me of. Searches really for all sorts of random things, and it drives me crazy having to answer the dumbest questions. I have started telling him that I can't be bothered, that I dont care anymore. And I don't. I just want to live my life without him. He is the laziest most irresponsible person I know!

At 61 my partner has retired to a life of watching tv and drinking beer all day or fishing/hunting (a man's man!!!!). I compete with beer. I am trying to get the house ready to sell because I can't work and then maintain the house and I resent that he does nothing to help in that regard. I've given him 3 small jobs to do (total of 20 minutes) 2 weeks ago and he doesn't understand why I'm angry that it's not done yet. This was today's fight. I seldom bring up the issues because he will not discuss it, he just sits there and ignores it, which makes me even angrier. <br />
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Life would be so easy on my own but I can't afford it. My son is in college and I would like to see him finish before I do anything.<br />
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I long for comfort and companionship as that doesn't exist in this relationship. A hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on. You know - a relationship. But if I were on my own I'd be afraid to have a relationship for fear of it turning out like this. <br />
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Am I ranting, yes. Thanks for listening.

This surreal.

i have to compete with the tv, the blackberry, the computer - he never asks me about me, he's not interested. i can't understand why he would marry someone apparently just ot be with someone. i feel sometimes like he doesn't really know and actually's not interested in knowing me. he just wants someone to serve him and give him sex and food and maintain the house. <br />
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my husband is a hard worker. however i don't understand why he's so antisocial, it really is crazy. he's actually gotten better but he's still very controlling and jealous - that's the only attention i get - when it comes to serving him or some negative attention.<br />
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he says that i'm the dramatic one but he's the one that's always distorting the things i say to make me look evil. sometimes i just prefer to be on my own but on a day to day basis i really don't have anyone else to talk to. it can get very lonely.<br />
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i watch people on tv, i don't understand how some couples actually are able to be so lucky as to have a friendship-marriage. my marriage is more like a we don't have any other option-marriage.

markfree- If men would act like men and not children they would be treated with more respect. When anger builds up, and things don't change is when marriage troubles last and divorce happens.When a wife has told the husband what to do to make the marriage better, then he does nothing about it is when us woman have a hard time treating men with the respect they feel they deserve. We have to see there point of view, but they can't see ours? I've treated mine as a child, because he's not as responsible as I feel he should be. Trying to teach an adult how to be responsible is a pain in the a** for both parties involved. <br />
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I agree with the above statement by loopnscc, staying with someone like this may be worse off for the children. Because they learn what they live. If they think they are strong enough to go through it like there mom they might not give the situation much thought and go on suffering like you have.

markfree- If men would act like men and not children they would be treated with more respect. When anger builds up, and things don't change is when marriage troubles last and divorce happens.When a wife has told the husband what to do to make the marriage better, then he does nothing about it is when us woman have a hard time treating men with the respect they feel they deserve. We have to see there point of view, but they can't see ours? I've treated mine as a child, because he's not as responsible as I feel he should be. Trying to teach an adult how to be responsible is a pain in the a** for both parties involved. <br />
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I agree with the above statement by loopnscc, staying with someone like this may be worse off for the children. Because they learn what they live. If they think they are strong enough to go through it like there mom they might not give the situation much thought and go on suffering like you have.

The double life is hard. It like la<x>yer after la<x>yer of fosting has been put on a old moldy cake. The kids will adjust and they see it all. Showing them that it's okay to stay in a bad relationship may be worse then leaving. I guess I picked them seeing two happy apart parents then living in a very unhappy house. Good luck to you.

Its nice to meet a fellow heretic! It would be nice to have a spouse who would like to talk about issues.<br />
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I would never discuss my relationships with my daughter - that's not at all fair to her.

You know, it doesn't matter what we are competing with, the fact that we have to compete for our spouses attention or affection in the first place is not right. Problem is I can't win with religion - he is so completely obsessed by it and I know he has been discussing the problem of me with his family and fellow christians.. I am such a heretic! I have heard him talk about me in hushed tones to his daughter on the telephone, yet he refuses to talk to me about it!

I don't have your issue with religion - she knows I'd leave quickly if she did that.<br />
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I am going crazy with competing with the TV. I really miss being treated like an adult.

Hi Judy, thank you so much for your comment. As awful as our situations are, its good to know that someone else understands. You're right, I am only staying put for the sake of my sons.. our day will come indeed! All we can do is plan for the future - I'm studying for a degree in French and Philosophy, one day I would like to move to France. So that is my dream, my plan - save money, learn French and one day when the boys are old enough to look after themselves (my youngest is 11 now) I will make a new life for myself!<br />
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You are doing right to update your skills, I think we need something to strive for, our independence! Good luck with that, hang on in there and I will do the same! ;-)

It is amazing how similar situations are for us women who post here. While my husband has not fully become a "Jesus Freak" as they are sometimes called, he has started going back to church, which all in all I dont mind. Except he does the same as your husband..he shows a completely different face to others than he does at home with me and the kids. I am in the same situation as you, 3 kids and no money of my own to really speak of. My youngest is 5 yrs old and will be starting school full day in the Fall. So I plan to at least get some classes to update my computer skills so that I can try to get a job where I would be making some money and be able to get a place for the kids and I. I know how hard it is, believe me. But I think for both of us we have to put our children first. It will be hard enough to pull them out from what they are used to, even if it is better for them in the long run. But we have to make sure we are doing it right, and have the means to take care of ourselves and them. I, like you, do not have anyone to turn to. His family is devout Catholic and does not believe in divorce, or splitting up a family at all. My family (my parents) live out of state and financially can not help at all. So I know how you feel. Stay strong ,and keep your eyes on the future! Our day will come!! :)