I Can't Stand Being Around Him
I cannot believe, looking back 17 years, that I was madly in love with him. He is so up himself its beyond belief. I am desperate to leave, but we have 3 children and I am worried about how much it will affect them; apart from that I have no money to set us up somewhere else. I am unable to talk to anyone else about my feelings as he comes across as such a wonderful person to other people, but changes behind closed doors. He 'found God' about 8 years ago and is now obsessed by it. He won't mix with anyone who isn't a committed Christian, and disapproves of my friends. I can't even have friends round any more as he dominates the conversation and tries to convert everyone he meets.
At home he is a completely different person - he gets in from work, moans about his day and then sits on his arse in front of the tv all night. He won't lift a finger to help, and when I ask him to do something (like help with the washing up) he gets one of the kids to do it. He is now even talking about giving up his job and getting a part time job so he only has to work in the mornings - probably so he can spend more time at Church. We struggle for money as it is and I am studying as well as working full time so I can get a better job. Conversly, if anyone from church asks him to do anything he jumps.. this is why they think he is so wonderful. He thinks more of them than he does his own family.
I did leave once. I sat him down and tried to talk about our situation and how low I was feeling, he just carried on watching the tv - wouldn't even turn it off and talk to me like an adult. The only response I got from him was to ask if I wanted us to split up. In desperation I said yes. He said I was ruining the kids lives and carried on watching tv. It was surreal. The next morning I went and got the food shopping. When I got back he had been drinking; he threw the bottle of wine across the room and said that I deserved to die for what I had done to him and that he could kill me. He came within inches of my face with his fist - the kids were only in the next room. Petrified, I shouted for the kids to come with me and ran to my brothers. I found out later that he went down to the church hall where there was a function on that afternoon and told them how I had left him and showed how upset he was... for a group of Christians they were apparently very disparaging of me. I bet he didn't tell them what he did. On the second day he came to see me, begging to come home, crying and intimating that he would kill himself. This affected my sister in law badly so I could no longer stay there. I had no choice but to come back home - I was more worried about the kids as I had nowhere to go. I lost half a stone that weekend.
I now feel so trapped, I don't want to be here. I can't stand being at home when he is here. I feel such a weight lifted when he is out. I have to stick it out until the kids are older and I have some money behind me, but I cannot stand living this was any longer.