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My Marriage Is a Joke

First of all, I want to say how strange this feels for me to say this to someone.  I was looking for advice on divorce and I ended up at this site. 

I might as well start at the beginning...I am a recovering drug addict.  I have two beautiful children that I had after I had quit using drugs.  I am not a saint, and I have fallen of the wagon a couple of times in the last 9 years.  (4 times to be exact...) 

I have been with my Husband for almost 15 years and married for 9 years.  He and I have been through alot together.  He has zero tolerance for any screw ups. 

I don't  ever think about using drugs anymore.  I do however like to have an occasional drink.  I am talking maybe 3 times a year.  Refering to this year.  Last year I didn't have any. 

Problem, he freaks and calls me weak and stupid and selfish etc etc.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  He is an *******.

He yells at the kids, he yells at me, he yells at everything that he might have to deal with like an adult.  I hate the way he bashes my self esteem and my childrens.

I cringe when he wants to have sex with me.  I litterally start feeling like I am going to throw up all over.  He grosses me out.  I don't find him attractive anymore and think he is a loser.

He however feels that he would be an awesome catch for some lady out there...I wish he would leave and go find her. 

I guess I am going to have to do something about this because he has already told me he can live miserable his whole life and he isn't going anywhere...lucky me...

I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!

Any advice??

 

 

sneakysmurf sneakysmurf 36-40, F 52 Responses Sep 23, 2007

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You women sicken me. Shouldn't have married at all in the first place. You are as selfish as the ****** you married. Marriage isn't a joke, YOU ARE. Yes, you divorce because you are weak.

You kicked the hardest habbit of drugs and the addiction...Repairing your marriage will require the same diligence and committment...Remind him how you changed your life and that youd like the same turn around in your marriage. A counselor is the best way. Cognative therapy will help you both learn ways of autocorrecting the things you contribute incorrectly to the marriage now. I think if he is willing and so are you, the progress willbe much more apparent. I know that reading about codependency really helps you change the "you" in the equation. And sometimes that change can be enough to ellicit change in him subconsciously. It will come naturally. That may be wnough to pull you through until he can begin to trust the relationship enough to place more committment and value in it as well. In the end, you both owe it to your children to be the most healthy parents you can be for each other and them.

Couples counseling with a really good therapist.

It seems that you don't like each other much but it is important to understand why. Get a councillor to talk to you both.

Your children deserve you both to try, if after that its impossible then get on with a new life but make sure your kids don't pay the price.

I have one just like it, luckily we are married and never will be. He proposed Christmas Day, I said yes but have absolutely No intention off trying the loser. I can tell you from experience, 15 years, 2 children, 3 times cheating that I know of, spending all the money on cocaine and leaving me too foot the bills and everything the kids need, not coming home all night and not even answering the phone while I'm home with our 8 year old and am 9 months pregnant. I've been through it and these people DO NOT change, not EVER. Bide your time until you can save money, get your kids and get the hell OUT. My poor daughter is so emotionally scarred from the rotten nasty things this loser has said to her. My only hope is that karma gets him and gets him good.
Good luck to you, I hope it works out. Keep your head up and no matter what he says, tune it out. Take a good look at where it's coming from and turn the other way

Wow this is not a good situation for you or the kids. I know how frustrating it is to be married to a recovering drug addict, except mine falls off the wagon every month it seems. He drinks and then and only then does he want to do drugs. I get frustrated and angry and lash out at him for not looking out for his family and making us unsafe in our home. I understand where he comes from but I understand you as well. I would like to say congrats for your overall success in fighting your drug addiction, it is not easy to do. I am sure that when he yells at you and your kids that it makes your fight that much harder. I say for you to leave him and get you and your children in a healthier situation. Good luck and please please stay strong in your fight against drugs. To help you in your fight just think about your kids and make them your rock. May God bless you..

get him to an aa meeting. he might be codependent as all hell... if its not worth finding out to you then just be done with him. i definitely know what you mean by not being attracted anymore and that they make you discussed in the extreme. thats a sign it's over if it's not overtly obvious lol...on a side note if this is a posting to get people on your side like it feel it is...why would you need to do that if he is that awful? these things don't require a majority vote hun, just fix what evers broken and go be happy :)

Why don't you get a divorce, I don't understand why you would punish yourselves?

Marriage is about committment....not findinh the easiest way out.

PRAY

pull the DREADED TRIPLE D _Desponshorship, Deportation, divorce," prob solved.

Leave. Get out now. You've been through enough, and know enough, that you don't have to put up with that kind of crap. It doesn't matter if you don't find someone else--you can be very happy on your own. Really, getting through your drug addiction was done on your own, right? In the end, you chose to go straight, and keep straight. You did it. So you know what it's like to struggle by yourself, and survive. You can do it again. <br />
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Also, when you can't stand to have someone touch you--that's the end. Seriously, can you see this turning around? You also seem to have lost respect for him--and I think that's a huge red flag in any relationship. If you can't respect the person, I don't think you can be with him. Good luck.

I think the most significant marker in your story for me is that you cringe when he wants sex. I feel that same way, and find myself avoiding him at night, trying to stay out of arm's reach, and sleeping huddled up on the very edge of my bed. <br />
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My husband is "Mr. Perfect" to everyone else, but makes me feel like his way is the only reasonable way for us to live, like I'm an exotic pet or a spoiled child he indulges without understanding. I'm sick of feeling like a ***** for pretending in bed in exchange for our comfortable life and his financial advantages. I don't think there's a way to come back from the physical disgust he makes me feel when he kisses me. I'm filing for divorce in a month. <br />
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Don't let him continue to eat at your self-worth, or that of your children. You owe it to them to be happy, and to live as a model for self-respect. Otherwise, they will seek out dysfunctional relationships for themselves. Good Luck~!

I understand the cringing in bed and the faking it. I, too, had to do that with my now ex-husband. I remember having to fake that it felt good, but in reality seeing his face right in front of mine just made me queasy. The difference is we did not have a comfortable life. We struggled with the bills, well, more like I struggled with the bills. He just wined and dined all his coworkers, employees, and friends while his wife was left eating potatoes and eggs at home. He would never invite me when he'd take his friends out. I found out later that that was where and when he would be entertaining his mistress at the time.

I hate my husband too and I am not taking your husbands side here, but maybe the reason why he gets so mad when you drink is because of the 15 years of hell drinking and drug abuse has caused and hes afraid of going down that road again. You did say you have fallen off the wagon 4 times now. I know you have changed and are recovering and doing the best you can, but has anyone considered how he feels watching you go through what you have? I am sure he is damaged goods from dealing with the issues that come from being with a drug abuser. I only say this because, a friend was married to a drug abuser for 10 years and I know how much it hurt her to watch someone she loved ruining his life. Even if you are doing better and are healing, is he healing, trust has to be built one day at a time. It doesn't happen over night just like your recovery hasn't. Again, not taking his side on this, just trying to give another perspective.

I hate my husband too and I am not taking your husbands side here, but maybe the reason why he gets so mad when you drink is because of the 15 years of hell drinking and drug abuse has caused and hes afraid of going down that road again. You did say you have fallen off the wagon 4 times now. I know you have changed and are recovering and doing the best you can, but has anyone considered how he feels watching you go through what you have? I am sure he is damaged goods from dealing with the issues that come from being with a drug abuser. I only say this because, a friend was married to a drug abuser for 10 years and I know how much it hurt her to watch someone she loved ruining his life. Even if you are doing better and are healing, is he healing, trust has to be built one day at a time. It doesn't happen over night just like your recovery hasn't. Again, not taking his side on this, just trying to give another perspective.

wow, fuccck you're life man.

I'm so glad to have found this site, I thought I was the only person who lived like this. I'm so sad. From our first date I didn't really like him that much, but I had been alone for six years. Where I lived most young people had great figures, there were very few larger people (I am larger). I thought to myself this is probably as good as I'm going to get, how pathetic. We were together for for 3yrs and I had broken it off with him but we were still living under the same roof until I could find a new place. Then I was stupid and started sleeping with him again, he got me pregnant. He new that I would be to weak to leave him or have an abortion. I developed post natal depression after our second child and he told me to sort myself or else. He did not offer any support, he expected me to just fix myself. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. He will say or do something and then claim he didn't, then I doubt whether it really happened. He is scheming and calculating. He plays people off against each other and constantly tells lies. He treats me as though I'm stupid, picks on me for every single thing he can come up with. He is lazy. He won't fix our back fence where there is a 7' drop into a cement drain that our young boys could be severely injured or killed in, he has even admitted its only a 10min job. He has double standards - whats ok for him is not ok for me. Sex is only a couple of times of year thank goodness, he repulses me and the thought of having to be with him makes me sick. I really think I hate him. I have no friends as I am to scared to have any of them meet him. He is rude and opinionated and embarrasses me. If my husband says the sky is pink, well then it's pink and he will argue and argue and not stop. He is to harsh with our beautiful boys and I worry that they will grow up like him, or worse commit suicide because they can't handle his way. I am weak, I want to leave but am so afraid of the unknown, how will i support my boys, what will I do for money, where will I live. Sometimes I wish he would die so the choice would be made for me. I have become a horrible, horrible person. I am sad and depressed most of the time and know that leaving is the only option but I still can't find the strength to do so.

WHAT?! DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF!!!!! gtfo with that bs...you have two children that count on you. you are allowing them to be mentally and god knows what else abused by this asswipe. you want a reason to get out? try losing your kids because the law sees you as equally at fault for the abuse you are allowing in your house towards your children and yourself. you do realize this rt? any abusive behaviour that you dont stop is automatically your fault also. BY LAW.
Seriously? are you freakin serious? GET OUT OF THERE NOW. confide in family and get some damn friends. get help call dcfs. call a divorce lawyer. get out of the house. do something. uuuuuuuuugh!!!! this is soo preventable.
*sigh* these are the times i hate being empathic....

I understand your pain. I remember feeling the same way. It took me 10 yrs to get out of my failed marriage. I remember feeling despair and fear with not having plan on how to get out. You can do it. Even if you have to move back in with your parents or siblings or relatives or even friends.... YOU CAN DO IT. You are strong enough to have endured all of this crap for so long. YOU CAN DO IT! Find a job, even if it's a part-time job and find a community program that can probably help you with a low cost lawyer, etc... The first step is the hardest. I know, I've been there.

Make a plan and get out. You were strong enough to quit the addictive habits-now quit him! I am just about ready to quit mine. Tired of never going anywhere with me, never even making eye contact when he talks to me. He hasn't worked in over 2 years, but yet our house is a pigsty. I am tired of working almost full time to come home to him spending money by leaving lights on, computers on, etc. I totally understand the sex thing. What fun is it if you know it isn't gonna be any good?

does he have asperger's? no eye contact sounds pretty likely for that...

my husband is a Bastard he is a big lier and an *** hole i hate him, i tried making my marrige work but nufin seems 2 work. he yells, screams and thinks he is alwayz right.<br />
he hates all my friends and family spent all my savings ,made me pay all the bills and also took loan on my name for 25000 pounds transferred it 2 his momz account wch was neva paid thus making me a defaulter. i hate him but aftr my baby i m stuck wiv him n cz of social n financial pressure cant leave him . He has neva been der 4 me wen i needed him, dat ******* even has d laptop bugged, i m typing this frm my sisterz laptop since i m stayin wiv my mom now.<br />
All i do is pray 4 him n his mom 2 die soon. wen i m really frustrated i **** in the cup of tea and spit in it cz derz nufin else i can do ( i knw u guyz wud find it gross). Wen i see him drinking it i feel a bit relieved, dat bastered cheated on me as well but neva admits but i knw cz i heard all der coversation .<br />
i Hate u Bastard DIE SOON!

he cheated on you... that's all you need... get a divorce based on marital infidelity/adultery. That's how I got mine. Got a lawyer and took pictures of my now ex with baby and baby momma. You can do it. The strength comes from within.

was your husband at any point drug addict too?

It seems like there are many of us in the same situation. The narcissism is unreal! They never see their faults and we can never be adoring enough. If my husband spends a day cleaning he wants accolades! Never mind I spend all week picking up every dish used, every dock worn, and every towel that dries a body! <br />
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I am in transition in my career now. When I discovered my husbands affair it was decided that in part the cause was that I worked nights Nd weekends - 12 hour shifts as an er nurse. Not an easy job. I quit to give more time to the family and be more available. I'm opening my own business. Which will cost several thousand dollars before I generate income. And all I hear is how I'm spending his money. <br />
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I've about had it. I wait for my son to be 14 ( 3 years) so he can tell a judge who he wants to live with. And pray my business will start to make money do I can leave him and get a dog.

Kudos to you!

I can't believe he has a smart woman and treats her like garbage. Being an ER nurse is no easy job. You have to be a smart cookie and always be on the alert, constantly assessing and monitoring your pt. Has he cheated on you? You can get a very easy divorce based on adultery.

Why do men always have such ignorant response back? He can live miserable his whole life? What an immature and ridiculous to say! I feel your pain...

I was married to a women who suck me dry spending my entire life savings fighting for custody for her kids from a previous marriage. I ended up becoming very bitter and angry. For the four short years I was married I was my wife whipping boy running after her kids who didn't even love or respect me. I am currently divorced and I am happy she is gone along with her kids. Here is my advice marriage is a joke. Don't do it and if your in a bad situation get out of it.

Live miserable his whole life? Interesting choice of words. He can live miserable, but you can't and neither should your kids. Some people feel good about themselves when they make others feel bad. I think its time to go. Don't let anyone steal your joy.

Are you in therapy? I give you so much credit and praise for all you have been through. They kill our self-esteem and make us scared to be alone. But you deserve SELF-LOVE! Pleasetry to get into therapy. Good luck!!

I would try get him to talk to someone... but if he's like mine... i've asked him about going to a couple's therapist.. he says "NO ONE is to ever hear about our problems" Yet.. when he gets mad at me he goes and calls his parents and tells them HIS point-of-view about what happen which of course puts me down.. and OMG.. is there a group on I HATE MY FATHER-IN-LAW.. because that is where my husband gets it... ALL of it.. and for some reason his mother stayed with that ******* for 26 years after been thrown out of the house countless times..

Poison him.

Wow, reading some of these responses, it seems like they were typed by me.... I feel the same way, I hate my husband and am so sick of his crap. He can't have a conversation, all he knows how to do is yell. Then he acts like it was me that started the argument when I was simply trying to "communicate". He is a complete *** and I wish he would leave. I cringe too when he wants to have sex and pretty much think of other people to get through it. ugh...

In december of this year I will have been married for 25 years. My husband is a controlling son of a b****. We have 2 wonderful children of our own and we have been raising his 4 nieces for the past seven years on Dec. 31 of this year. In March of this year, while he was in his home town in Tennessee to pack up his sister (the nieces mother) stuff so he could move her to our town), oh against my wishes, his high school girlfriend saw him and they started an affair. He had me make the plane reservations and hotel reservations for their firts f fest as I call it. This man has abussed me and all 6 of our kids for the entirety of our marriage and their time on earth. Verbally and emotionally, not physically. I want to leave him but our kids are 22, 16, 16(biological cousins) 13, 9 and 8. My husband says I would ruin their life if I were to leave. In April he left us all and moved in with his **** that he had moved from Tennessee to our town in North Carolina, and given her a job, he is the excutive director of the group hojmews here. It did not seem to matter to him that this could ruin their lives. It is just me that will be bad if I leave him. He can do what ever he wants. I am going to counseling that is God based, and even though he cheated so I am free to leave him, there are the kids that I have to think about. My counselor is trying to help me not feel trapped so that I will be happy if I stay, and know I will e ok if the time comes for me to leave. Then I will know it is best for the kids first and then me. That is the hard part. Knowing what is best for the kids is easy but, doing it is the hard part. I feel I have spent the past 25 years with a controlling sob and I now have the OK from <br />
God to leave him because of his cheating but is that really the best thing for the kids that I have so willingly brought into this world. That is the big thing with me. They are more important to me, than what I want.

I could have written this story myself...it really sucks to be married to a total ***!

i am so happy i have found this website. i sympathise with every unhappy married woman, b/c i am in the same pot hole. i hate that son of a *****. i got married when i was very young and stupid. i went through a lot with him in my life. i took care of him when he was diagnosed with cancer 1 year after my wedding. i gave him 2 beautiful kids and i bring home good pay, much more then he will ever make in his cheap life, but no nothing is enough. he embarrases me next to people. he makes my kids feel like ****. my older child is 100% mentally screwed up. but yet i have no guts to leave him. we were borught up with extended family, and for us a diverse is unheared of. aldo my parents are not supportive at all, to them once you are married you no longer become their responsobility. i hate that. there were times where i ran out on him to my parents yet his parents and him would come and fight with my family and me, then my parents would just tell me to go back b/c they dont want any problems. i recently bought a beautiful house and dont want to give it up. i am so tired of this i just dont have the strenghth to do any thing about it......... G-d please help us!!!

i am so happy i have found this website. i sympathise with every unhappy married woman, b/c i am in the same pot hole. i hate that son of a *****. i got married when i was very young and stupid. i went through a lot with him in my life. i took care of him when he was diagnosed with cancer 1 year after my wedding. i gave him 2 beautiful kids and i bring home good pay, much more then he will ever make in his cheap life, but no nothing is enough. he embarrases me next to people. he makes my kids feel like ****. my older child is 100% mentally screwed up. but yet i have no guts to leave him. we were borught up with extended family, and for us a diverse is unheared of. aldo my parents are not supportive at all, to them once you are married you no longer become their responsobility. i hate that. there were times where i ran out on him to my parents yet his parents and him would come and fight with my family and me, then my parents would just tell me to go back b/c they dont want any problems. i recently bought a beautiful house and dont want to give it up. i am so tired of this i just dont have the strenghth to do any thing about it......... G-d please help us!!!

i am so happy i have found this website. i sympathise with every unhappy married woman, b/c i am in the same pot hole. i hate that son of a *****. i got married when i was very young and stupid. i went through a lot with him in my life. i took care of him when he was diagnosed with cancer 1 year after my wedding. i gave him 2 beautiful kids and i bring home good pay, much more then he will ever make in his cheap life, but no nothing is enough. he embarrases me next to people. he makes my kids feel like ****. my older child is 100% mentally screwed up. but yet i have no guts to leave him. we were borught up with extended family, and for us a diverse is unheared of. aldo my parents are not supportive at all, to them once you are married you no longer become their responsobility. i hate that. there were times where i ran out on him to my parents yet his parents and him would come and fight with my family and me, then my parents would just tell me to go back b/c they dont want any problems. i recently bought a beautiful house and dont want to give it up. i am so tired of this i just dont have the strenghth to do any thing about it......... G-d please help us!!!

its long painful story of last 4 years ...... <br />
I got married in 2005, from a middle class family. My in laws are also middle class. Me and my husband are well educated and working with MNCs. Before marriage they were very good to my family, but once the marriage was over ..they has endless complains about the gifts, the ceremony, and the marriage arrangements. And they insulted everybody in my family after that. I kept myself calm with the hope that if i will be good to them they will realize these things and start reciprocating the same way...though it was the toughest decision to take at the age of 23. My husband also use to wait for me to do the smallest mistake in household work and any other activity i was involved in. i use pay te price of the mistake by getting verbally abused and insulted everyday, after the whole day's effort to make your husband and his family happy. I started working after that, with an expectation that this will give me some respect in my in laws eyes. but even then nothing changed, rather my life became very hectic as it use to start from 6 in the morning till 12 in the night. My husband took charge of handling my salary also, and i had to justify myself to get 2000 RS for personal expenditure every month. but still i use to try to keep myself happy with the hopes that things will be fine. <br />
<br />
Days were passing by with the cycle of insult, cry and hopes. As everybody use to say that a child will make your life better....even i started thinking in those lines. was waiting for my husband's approval for that, as he was not ready for that even after 3 years of marriage. but l started losing faith in this relationship, when even after 3.5 years of my marriage i was struggling for my basic human rights of self respect, my family's respect and my desire to become a mother (with the hope that it can make the marriage better). i was not even allowed to talk to my parents in my husband's absence, not allowed to spent my hard earned money on myself and still fulfilling monetary demands from them. <br />
After 3.5 years when i asked my husband ot behave with me politely his answer was - ' you cant expect an equal treatment like me, because i earn much more than you. i do a favour by talking to your family politely, be happy with that.' this was not shocking to me ..because it was the crux of his attitude towards marriage. but i decided that day, i will not tolerate it for rest of my life and 3.5 years is a long time to understand each other. i took charge of my finances, started my further studies, stopped entertaining any undue demand from my in laws to my parents.<br />
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i am trying hard from past 1 year to change things, but i have lost faith in this relationship. because these people are opportunist, they can attack on me anyday, as they keep planning all the time on how pressurize me again. and now i feel as if i am living with my enemies, and feel very insecure ab t my future. cant think of starting a family in this situation.... i feel really stuck now, as i am not able take any decision. my parents are totally against our separation under any circumstances. And if i still go take that decision, i will be all alone ....

Your story is pretty much the same as mine.

I am new here and I am glad to have found this web site ! At least I know now that I am not alone and that there are people out there with the same or similar problems... I once loved my husband dearly (how didn't, right ?) and what's left after being with him for 5 years is mistrust, disrespect and no loving feelings at all. He is an alcoholic. He doesn't talk to me. Doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. No socializing, nothing. When he is drunk he is sooo ****disgusting !!! <br />
I lost my job, have two kids, no money since he is in controll over this - do I hate him? Hate is a strong word. I hate being dependent on him, yes. I hate him when he is drunk, yes. I hate the fact that I haven't been able to find work yet... <br />
I hate to give up on something and I can't give up on myself. I will not quit. Not for him, not because of him. I am going to get out of this mess for the sake of my children - despite the fact that there is no help and I have no place to go...

Married 21 years – to MR PERFECT. Went through terrible bout of depression – drank too much. But picked myself up from that dark hole and are now 14 months no medication and do not drink. No matter how many times I apologise for “disgracing” him with my depression and let me be honest, few people knew what I went through – I went to work, did what I had to do – but the shrink sessions were to much for him! Not that he attended any. I am now not worthy of anything – just mistrust and judgment. Is a bit of compassion to much to ask – and for heavens sake!! The depression was in 2007. I really truly hate him.

I would leave my husband if it wouldn't hurt my family who love him so much. He pretends to be such a wonderful man. He doesn't drink, smoke or cuss but he looks at **** online. I don't really care about the ****, but he looks down his nose at me for saying the word "crap" when I am upset. <br />
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I would not have any financial burden if I was alone. In fact, my finances would be better because be only give me a small pittance every week for his living expenses. His grocery bill alone is enough for two men. I make more money than him. It's not money. <br />
<br />
I am too weak to tell my family AGAIN that I want to be single....or at least I don't want to live with HIM.

I hate my husband because he is keeping everything what has to do with money secret, yet he puts me and my children in financial crisis. O, I hate him so much, I hope he was DEAD!

I would do two big things first before you start down the divorce path. (If you haven't done these already) Make sure you have a job and make sure you have a therapist. Start figuring out why you married this guy and what all your issues are as well. If you do leave, alot of women are leaving the house and getting apartments because the guy won't leave. He stays with the kids at the original house and she has to interject there when he's not around. 2 of my friends (women) are doing that now.

I know sometimes u have to learn 2 deal w/ the situation bcuz of money. It's even more difficult when u have children. You think about Everything that your kids need. And you think about How Difficult it is 2 B a single mother of 3 boyz, and I Just crumble, I have Nobody! I'm here all by Myself, I'm married to someone who doesn't care about me, trashes me, doesn't value me, I know I have 2 leave but I have nowhere 2 go! I'm here all alone. Sometimes this thought sickens me! I've learned to deal with this by thinking that i'm planning an escape and when the time is right, and when I know I can survive by myself than BooM! He'll wake up and He won't see me there!

People tend to forget something and selectively to have good memory on another things. Unluckily, people forget "happiness". Also unluckily, people have very memory on unhappy things.<br />
<br />
If you could have time, stay clam, think and ask yourself the following question:<br />
If I could allow another chance for myself would I consider him once more?<br />
If your answer is negative then forget the rest what I am going to say.<br />
<br />
If you allow one more chance for yourself do the following:<br />
(1) Forget those unhappy things.<br />
(2) Recall those happy things.

People tend to forget something and selectively to have good memory on another things. Unluckily, people forget "happiness". Also unluckily, people have very memory on unhappy things.<br />
<br />
If you could have time, stay clam, think and ask yourself the following question:<br />
If I could allow another chance for myself would I consider him once more?<br />
If your answer is negative then forget the rest what I am going to say.<br />
<br />
If you allow one more chance for yourself do the following:<br />
(1) Forget those unhappy things.<br />
(2) Recall those happy things.

Two thirds of female spouses file for divorce. That should make the men out there realize they just might be doing marriage wrong. To bad most of them have not a clue that they are heading for divorce. Mine would be without a ride to work, and have no shelter, but he's a still clueless even after letting him know everything he needs to do in order for his life not to be torn apart. He's a recovering drunk. Why must men be such jerks, the only reason why most female spouses nag them is because we want are marriage to last and they just seem to ignore the ways they can help make the marriage last and end up doing the opposite, because they are mad at us (because we want our marriage to last). And they think we are the cuase of all there troubles and have a problem. That has been my experience anyway. I understand he just wants you to deal with him, but you can plan your way out somehow. Try to get an online degree so you can support yourself and you kids better if that's the problem. Record his raging fit's, there are digital recorders in drug stores now that are really easy to work. Ask a family member to help with divorce proceedings if money is the problem, and see someone about how you should go about things legally. I wish jerks like your husband could get brainwashed, or nuttered anything to help with the misery they put us through. To bad they have to deal with life in such an aggressive way. Look into to how to become assertive may help you. Being unassertive makes you feel like you have no control over your life. Being assertive is not being aggressive, he may think your being aggressive but being assertive will help your self esteem. Some men are clueless relationship wise extrinsically it's the ones that have little or no college education that do the worst.

So I was watching a talk show that dealt with infidelity and the question of when to divorce. I myself have been contemplating divorce and was really guided to wait based on what this talk show host said. If you have any unfinished emotional business than it is too soon to get a divorce. The moment you have no more anger, hurt, resentment and can walk away with peace of mind and have no unfinished business then it is time to get a divorce. And when you have children you want to be able to tell them that you tried everything possible. I was chatting with my father (I am not close with my family) and was telling him my husband and I were on the "outs"-he said, "Again? What is wrong and why don't you fix it?" Well, typical male thing to say. but the truth is that it takes two people to work on things and admit that there are problems. So taking care of that emotional unfinished business may take a lot of effort on your part but at least you would have tried.

I have the same situation. Nothing I do is good enough. My husband is a narcissist. According to him, he could have given birth better! I feel like I am dying here. He is indifferent to everything. I have had problems with depression off and on....when ever I need a hug he acts like i'm pathetic and weak. He becomes hostile and ignores me. He tells me everything I do is stupid. Sometimes I wish he would die so I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. He is so cruel. During a terrible bout of depression, I was crying and he refused to hug me, saying "what can i do about it. nothing can fix this, your sick." that is generally how he responds to me when I am in pain. Cold and indifferent. He is a jerk just like his dad was. he hasn't an inkling of empathy which is ironic because he claims to be abuddhist. I wish it wern't like this. I wish we could have a beautiful life together with our son, but he only cares about himself and his career. I can't fathom the idea of only seeing my son half the time...I feel like Im suffocating.

I also feel like I'm suffocating. Everything is my fault and even though I work 2 jobs, take care of the kids, and the house, I never do enough. I feel so much anger and hate that I'm not sure I will ever have it leave. I guess a lot of women are underappreciated by emotionally retarded men. I can't think of anything to solve this but divorce...or maybe death (unintentional of coarse). I think a lot of what it's doing to my children. If I leave it will be mostly for them. I want them to know what healthy relationships look like so they may recognize and obtain that someday...

Pft weak cuz you have a drink? Screw that- I'd leave if he can't work things out in a mature way.<BR><BR>Ragemore- if you use all your money for the bills and stuff- then why even keep him around? I'd get a divorce and then get child support lol- all that'll equal for you is more money a month to take care of your girls. :)

I love my husband, but HATE his spending habits. He throws money around like it's nothing. He sinks it into piece of crap cars that he "restores", helps out his career-felon, good-for-nothing brother, and buys things he doesn't need. That, in turn, makes me responsible for paying all of the household bills! Boy, it sure would be nice to be able to just **** my paycheck away like that! We have children, and I feel that's where BOTH of our money should be going. Oh, and don't get me started on hunting & fishing! He spends alot of money on that crap, also.

I would try to make my marriage work first, maybe try counseling. As much as I hate my MIL, she told me to try remember the good times, remember the good things. For it is easier for us to remember the bad things. <br />
Is he abusive, physically? Is he unfaithful? I personally would not tolerate abusive husband. <br />
Is he still working hard to provide for the family? <br />
You said you have fallen off the wagon 4 times in the past 9 years, was he there for you? <br />
Now you hate him, however, there must be a point where you loved him. What did you love about him? Maybe he's going through bad times. Talk about it when he's calmer, not when he's still yelling. My husband often yells at me too, but then, after we talked, we found the problems. Sometimes, it turns out that he had a hard time at work. <br />
Divorce should not be the first choice. It is really the last resort. Otherwise, why marry?

never stay in a bad place just because you dont know what the next place will hold. who cares if you ever find a good man? that is no reason to stay with a bad one. we should never stay because we are scared to make it on our own. i did this for years and still regret it

Sometimes you have to just stick it out. Let me tell you the truth. I am a woman who I truly believe is kind and thoughtful to others. Yet I feel it is far and few between when I get that respect back from my husband or people in general to be more matter of fact. Everyone thinks divorce is the key but let me tell you it's not because it is truly hard to find someone who respects, loves and cherishes you. I doubt this person even exists anymore. I too Hate actually Loathe my husband but instead of starting over looking for something that doesn't exist and also being financially strapped I choose to bare the strain of the rash decision I made 13 years ago. Come my husband didn't turn into a **** watching lying gambling selfish man over night I just pretended not to see the signs and am to blame. As for laziness he takes the cake but do you seriously want to start over with someone who will very carefully wear THE DATE FACE then you're hooked and off comes the mask and he is ten times worse then what you had. Look into some counseling for yourself I have a problem that I am addressing in counseling I fall apart if I can't make people happy been doing so since I was a kid, I am learning to make myself happy then when the time comes and I am emotionally and financially better I will leave and live life by myself with a series of dates to fulfill my needs and be happy to not have someone snoring like a pig next to me..lol Good luck to you and I mean that I hope all ends well. michelle

I think like this too, oh, the next one will be just as bad, but the truth is, when I think of the happiest times of my life, I WAS ALONE. Not when I was a teenager, dreaming about love, but later in life, as much as I WANTED to date, the simple fact is that I was more free, more full of joy, when I was not dating. So why am I so afraid to leave a verbally abusive, one-sided relationship? :( Kids and finances. It will take so much $ to support two households. I mean, no one will make him pay so much child support that he can't afford an apartment, and I understand that. This means, I'll have to work two or more jobs.

I've thought long and hard about whether I'm leaving my husband hoping for something better or if I'm leaving because I would be happier without him, and have come to the conclusion that I will be happier single than with him. He makes me feel 'less than,' like my values and priorities are silly, and my mother raised me to have more self-esteem than that.

It is just so amazing how much we put up with when it comes to our marriage and kids. Is divorse really that hard? I know it would be hell for me.

I know for me, I've never experienced a divorce -- some of it is perhaps a fear of the "unknown"... I notice a lot of women including myself are so emotionally and FINANCIALLY vested. I am not making excuses, I'm just saying - I sometimes feel paralyzed like I can't put one foot in front of the other because what if I can't stand on my own two feet I have so much baggage tied up in us. My husband is trash. I would he'd die and makes things simple... at least I could live off his life insurance--

divorce him