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My Marriage Is a Joke

First of all, I want to say how strange this feels for me to say this to someone.  I was looking for advice on divorce and I ended up at this site. 

I might as well start at the beginning...I am a recovering drug addict.  I have two beautiful children that I had after I had quit using drugs.  I am not a saint, and I have fallen of the wagon a couple of times in the last 9 years.  (4 times to be exact...) 

I have been with my Husband for almost 15 years and married for 9 years.  He and I have been through alot together.  He has zero tolerance for any screw ups. 

I don't  ever think about using drugs anymore.  I do however like to have an occasional drink.  I am talking maybe 3 times a year.  Refering to this year.  Last year I didn't have any. 

Problem, he freaks and calls me weak and stupid and selfish etc etc.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  He is an *******.

He yells at the kids, he yells at me, he yells at everything that he might have to deal with like an adult.  I hate the way he bashes my self esteem and my childrens.

I cringe when he wants to have sex with me.  I litterally start feeling like I am going to throw up all over.  He grosses me out.  I don't find him attractive anymore and think he is a loser.

He however feels that he would be an awesome catch for some lady out there...I wish he would leave and go find her. 

I guess I am going to have to do something about this because he has already told me he can live miserable his whole life and he isn't going anywhere...lucky me...

I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!

Any advice??

 

 

sneakysmurf sneakysmurf 36-40, F 52 Responses Sep 23, 2007

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You women sicken me. Shouldn't have married at all in the first place. You are as selfish as the ****** you married. Marriage isn't a joke, YOU ARE. Yes, you divorce because you are weak.

You kicked the hardest habbit of drugs and the addiction...Repairing your marriage will require the same diligence and committment...Remind him how you changed your life and that youd like the same turn around in your marriage. A counselor is the best way. Cognative therapy will help you both learn ways of autocorrecting the things you contribute incorrectly to the marriage now. I think if he is willing and so are you, the progress willbe much more apparent. I know that reading about codependency really helps you change the "you" in the equation. And sometimes that change can be enough to ellicit change in him subconsciously. It will come naturally. That may be wnough to pull you through until he can begin to trust the relationship enough to place more committment and value in it as well. In the end, you both owe it to your children to be the most healthy parents you can be for each other and them.

Couples counseling with a really good therapist.

It seems that you don't like each other much but it is important to understand why. Get a councillor to talk to you both.

Your children deserve you both to try, if after that its impossible then get on with a new life but make sure your kids don't pay the price.

I have one just like it, luckily we are married and never will be. He proposed Christmas Day, I said yes but have absolutely No intention off trying the loser. I can tell you from experience, 15 years, 2 children, 3 times cheating that I know of, spending all the money on cocaine and leaving me too foot the bills and everything the kids need, not coming home all night and not even answering the phone while I'm home with our 8 year old and am 9 months pregnant. I've been through it and these people DO NOT change, not EVER. Bide your time until you can save money, get your kids and get the hell OUT. My poor daughter is so emotionally scarred from the rotten nasty things this loser has said to her. My only hope is that karma gets him and gets him good.
Good luck to you, I hope it works out. Keep your head up and no matter what he says, tune it out. Take a good look at where it's coming from and turn the other way

Wow this is not a good situation for you or the kids. I know how frustrating it is to be married to a recovering drug addict, except mine falls off the wagon every month it seems. He drinks and then and only then does he want to do drugs. I get frustrated and angry and lash out at him for not looking out for his family and making us unsafe in our home. I understand where he comes from but I understand you as well. I would like to say congrats for your overall success in fighting your drug addiction, it is not easy to do. I am sure that when he yells at you and your kids that it makes your fight that much harder. I say for you to leave him and get you and your children in a healthier situation. Good luck and please please stay strong in your fight against drugs. To help you in your fight just think about your kids and make them your rock. May God bless you..

get him to an aa meeting. he might be codependent as all hell... if its not worth finding out to you then just be done with him. i definitely know what you mean by not being attracted anymore and that they make you discussed in the extreme. thats a sign it's over if it's not overtly obvious lol...on a side note if this is a posting to get people on your side like it feel it is...why would you need to do that if he is that awful? these things don't require a majority vote hun, just fix what evers broken and go be happy :)

Why don't you get a divorce, I don't understand why you would punish yourselves?

Marriage is about committment....not findinh the easiest way out.

PRAY

pull the DREADED TRIPLE D _Desponshorship, Deportation, divorce," prob solved.

Leave. Get out now. You've been through enough, and know enough, that you don't have to put up with that kind of crap. It doesn't matter if you don't find someone else--you can be very happy on your own. Really, getting through your drug addiction was done on your own, right? In the end, you chose to go straight, and keep straight. You did it. So you know what it's like to struggle by yourself, and survive. You can do it again. <br />
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Also, when you can't stand to have someone touch you--that's the end. Seriously, can you see this turning around? You also seem to have lost respect for him--and I think that's a huge red flag in any relationship. If you can't respect the person, I don't think you can be with him. Good luck.

I think the most significant marker in your story for me is that you cringe when he wants sex. I feel that same way, and find myself avoiding him at night, trying to stay out of arm's reach, and sleeping huddled up on the very edge of my bed. <br />
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My husband is "Mr. Perfect" to everyone else, but makes me feel like his way is the only reasonable way for us to live, like I'm an exotic pet or a spoiled child he indulges without understanding. I'm sick of feeling like a ***** for pretending in bed in exchange for our comfortable life and his financial advantages. I don't think there's a way to come back from the physical disgust he makes me feel when he kisses me. I'm filing for divorce in a month. <br />
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Don't let him continue to eat at your self-worth, or that of your children. You owe it to them to be happy, and to live as a model for self-respect. Otherwise, they will seek out dysfunctional relationships for themselves. Good Luck~!

I understand the cringing in bed and the faking it. I, too, had to do that with my now ex-husband. I remember having to fake that it felt good, but in reality seeing his face right in front of mine just made me queasy. The difference is we did not have a comfortable life. We struggled with the bills, well, more like I struggled with the bills. He just wined and dined all his coworkers, employees, and friends while his wife was left eating potatoes and eggs at home. He would never invite me when he'd take his friends out. I found out later that that was where and when he would be entertaining his mistress at the time.

I hate my husband too and I am not taking your husbands side here, but maybe the reason why he gets so mad when you drink is because of the 15 years of hell drinking and drug abuse has caused and hes afraid of going down that road again. You did say you have fallen off the wagon 4 times now. I know you have changed and are recovering and doing the best you can, but has anyone considered how he feels watching you go through what you have? I am sure he is damaged goods from dealing with the issues that come from being with a drug abuser. I only say this because, a friend was married to a drug abuser for 10 years and I know how much it hurt her to watch someone she loved ruining his life. Even if you are doing better and are healing, is he healing, trust has to be built one day at a time. It doesn't happen over night just like your recovery hasn't. Again, not taking his side on this, just trying to give another perspective.

I hate my husband too and I am not taking your husbands side here, but maybe the reason why he gets so mad when you drink is because of the 15 years of hell drinking and drug abuse has caused and hes afraid of going down that road again. You did say you have fallen off the wagon 4 times now. I know you have changed and are recovering and doing the best you can, but has anyone considered how he feels watching you go through what you have? I am sure he is damaged goods from dealing with the issues that come from being with a drug abuser. I only say this because, a friend was married to a drug abuser for 10 years and I know how much it hurt her to watch someone she loved ruining his life. Even if you are doing better and are healing, is he healing, trust has to be built one day at a time. It doesn't happen over night just like your recovery hasn't. Again, not taking his side on this, just trying to give another perspective.

wow, fuccck you're life man.

I'm so glad to have found this site, I thought I was the only person who lived like this. I'm so sad. From our first date I didn't really like him that much, but I had been alone for six years. Where I lived most young people had great figures, there were very few larger people (I am larger). I thought to myself this is probably as good as I'm going to get, how pathetic. We were together for for 3yrs and I had broken it off with him but we were still living under the same roof until I could find a new place. Then I was stupid and started sleeping with him again, he got me pregnant. He new that I would be to weak to leave him or have an abortion. I developed post natal depression after our second child and he told me to sort myself or else. He did not offer any support, he expected me to just fix myself. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. He will say or do something and then claim he didn't, then I doubt whether it really happened. He is scheming and calculating. He plays people off against each other and constantly tells lies. He treats me as though I'm stupid, picks on me for every single thing he can come up with. He is lazy. He won't fix our back fence where there is a 7' drop into a cement drain that our young boys could be severely injured or killed in, he has even admitted its only a 10min job. He has double standards - whats ok for him is not ok for me. Sex is only a couple of times of year thank goodness, he repulses me and the thought of having to be with him makes me sick. I really think I hate him. I have no friends as I am to scared to have any of them meet him. He is rude and opinionated and embarrasses me. If my husband says the sky is pink, well then it's pink and he will argue and argue and not stop. He is to harsh with our beautiful boys and I worry that they will grow up like him, or worse commit suicide because they can't handle his way. I am weak, I want to leave but am so afraid of the unknown, how will i support my boys, what will I do for money, where will I live. Sometimes I wish he would die so the choice would be made for me. I have become a horrible, horrible person. I am sad and depressed most of the time and know that leaving is the only option but I still can't find the strength to do so.

WHAT?! DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF!!!!! gtfo with that bs...you have two children that count on you. you are allowing them to be mentally and god knows what else abused by this asswipe. you want a reason to get out? try losing your kids because the law sees you as equally at fault for the abuse you are allowing in your house towards your children and yourself. you do realize this rt? any abusive behaviour that you dont stop is automatically your fault also. BY LAW.
Seriously? are you freakin serious? GET OUT OF THERE NOW. confide in family and get some damn friends. get help call dcfs. call a divorce lawyer. get out of the house. do something. uuuuuuuuugh!!!! this is soo preventable.
*sigh* these are the times i hate being empathic....

I understand your pain. I remember feeling the same way. It took me 10 yrs to get out of my failed marriage. I remember feeling despair and fear with not having plan on how to get out. You can do it. Even if you have to move back in with your parents or siblings or relatives or even friends.... YOU CAN DO IT. You are strong enough to have endured all of this crap for so long. YOU CAN DO IT! Find a job, even if it's a part-time job and find a community program that can probably help you with a low cost lawyer, etc... The first step is the hardest. I know, I've been there.

Make a plan and get out. You were strong enough to quit the addictive habits-now quit him! I am just about ready to quit mine. Tired of never going anywhere with me, never even making eye contact when he talks to me. He hasn't worked in over 2 years, but yet our house is a pigsty. I am tired of working almost full time to come home to him spending money by leaving lights on, computers on, etc. I totally understand the sex thing. What fun is it if you know it isn't gonna be any good?

does he have asperger's? no eye contact sounds pretty likely for that...

my husband is a Bastard he is a big lier and an *** hole i hate him, i tried making my marrige work but nufin seems 2 work. he yells, screams and thinks he is alwayz right.<br />
he hates all my friends and family spent all my savings ,made me pay all the bills and also took loan on my name for 25000 pounds transferred it 2 his momz account wch was neva paid thus making me a defaulter. i hate him but aftr my baby i m stuck wiv him n cz of social n financial pressure cant leave him . He has neva been der 4 me wen i needed him, dat ******* even has d laptop bugged, i m typing this frm my sisterz laptop since i m stayin wiv my mom now.<br />
All i do is pray 4 him n his mom 2 die soon. wen i m really frustrated i **** in the cup of tea and spit in it cz derz nufin else i can do ( i knw u guyz wud find it gross). Wen i see him drinking it i feel a bit relieved, dat bastered cheated on me as well but neva admits but i knw cz i heard all der coversation .<br />
i Hate u Bastard DIE SOON!

he cheated on you... that's all you need... get a divorce based on marital infidelity/adultery. That's how I got mine. Got a lawyer and took pictures of my now ex with baby and baby momma. You can do it. The strength comes from within.

was your husband at any point drug addict too?

It seems like there are many of us in the same situation. The narcissism is unreal! They never see their faults and we can never be adoring enough. If my husband spends a day cleaning he wants accolades! Never mind I spend all week picking up every dish used, every dock worn, and every towel that dries a body! <br />
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I am in transition in my career now. When I discovered my husbands affair it was decided that in part the cause was that I worked nights Nd weekends - 12 hour shifts as an er nurse. Not an easy job. I quit to give more time to the family and be more available. I'm opening my own business. Which will cost several thousand dollars before I generate income. And all I hear is how I'm spending his money. <br />
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I've about had it. I wait for my son to be 14 ( 3 years) so he can tell a judge who he wants to live with. And pray my business will start to make money do I can leave him and get a dog.

Kudos to you!

I can't believe he has a smart woman and treats her like garbage. Being an ER nurse is no easy job. You have to be a smart cookie and always be on the alert, constantly assessing and monitoring your pt. Has he cheated on you? You can get a very easy divorce based on adultery.

Why do men always have such ignorant response back? He can live miserable his whole life? What an immature and ridiculous to say! I feel your pain...

I was married to a women who suck me dry spending my entire life savings fighting for custody for her kids from a previous marriage. I ended up becoming very bitter and angry. For the four short years I was married I was my wife whipping boy running after her kids who didn't even love or respect me. I am currently divorced and I am happy she is gone along with her kids. Here is my advice marriage is a joke. Don't do it and if your in a bad situation get out of it.

Live miserable his whole life? Interesting choice of words. He can live miserable, but you can't and neither should your kids. Some people feel good about themselves when they make others feel bad. I think its time to go. Don't let anyone steal your joy.

Are you in therapy? I give you so much credit and praise for all you have been through. They kill our self-esteem and make us scared to be alone. But you deserve SELF-LOVE! Pleasetry to get into therapy. Good luck!!

I would try get him to talk to someone... but if he's like mine... i've asked him about going to a couple's therapist.. he says "NO ONE is to ever hear about our problems" Yet.. when he gets mad at me he goes and calls his parents and tells them HIS point-of-view about what happen which of course puts me down.. and OMG.. is there a group on I HATE MY FATHER-IN-LAW.. because that is where my husband gets it... ALL of it.. and for some reason his mother stayed with that ******* for 26 years after been thrown out of the house countless times..

Poison him.

Wow, reading some of these responses, it seems like they were typed by me.... I feel the same way, I hate my husband and am so sick of his crap. He can't have a conversation, all he knows how to do is yell. Then he acts like it was me that started the argument when I was simply trying to "communicate". He is a complete *** and I wish he would leave. I cringe too when he wants to have sex and pretty much think of other people to get through it. ugh...

In december of this year I will have been married for 25 years. My husband is a controlling son of a b****. We have 2 wonderful children of our own and we have been raising his 4 nieces for the past seven years on Dec. 31 of this year. In March of this year, while he was in his home town in Tennessee to pack up his sister (the nieces mother) stuff so he could move her to our town), oh against my wishes, his high school girlfriend saw him and they started an affair. He had me make the plane reservations and hotel reservations for their firts f fest as I call it. This man has abussed me and all 6 of our kids for the entirety of our marriage and their time on earth. Verbally and emotionally, not physically. I want to leave him but our kids are 22, 16, 16(biological cousins) 13, 9 and 8. My husband says I would ruin their life if I were to leave. In April he left us all and moved in with his **** that he had moved from Tennessee to our town in North Carolina, and given her a job, he is the excutive director of the group hojmews here. It did not seem to matter to him that this could ruin their lives. It is just me that will be bad if I leave him. He can do what ever he wants. I am going to counseling that is God based, and even though he cheated so I am free to leave him, there are the kids that I have to think about. My counselor is trying to help me not feel trapped so that I will be happy if I stay, and know I will e ok if the time comes for me to leave. Then I will know it is best for the kids first and then me. That is the hard part. Knowing what is best for the kids is easy but, doing it is the hard part. I feel I have spent the past 25 years with a controlling sob and I now have the OK from <br />
God to leave him because of his cheating but is that really the best thing for the kids that I have so willingly brought into this world. That is the big thing with me. They are more important to me, than what I want.

I could have written this story myself...it really sucks to be married to a total ***!

i am so happy i have found this website. i sympathise with every unhappy married woman, b/c i am in the same pot hole. i hate that son of a *****. i got married when i was very young and stupid. i went through a lot with him in my life. i took care of him when he was diagnosed with cancer 1 year after my wedding. i gave him 2 beautiful kids and i bring home good pay, much more then he will ever make in his cheap life, but no nothing is enough. he embarrases me next to people. he makes my kids feel like ****. my older child is 100% mentally screwed up. but yet i have no guts to leave him. we were borught up with extended family, and for us a diverse is unheared of. aldo my parents are not supportive at all, to them once you are married you no longer become their responsobility. i hate that. there were times where i ran out on him to my parents yet his parents and him would come and fight with my family and me, then my parents would just tell me to go back b/c they dont want any problems. i recently bought a beautiful house and dont want to give it up. i am so tired of this i just dont have the strenghth to do any thing about it......... G-d please help us!!!