Why Did I Get Married to Him?

I waited till I was just turning 33 to get married, this past May.  We were together for 3 years previously.  Things weren't great the last year or so but figured it was a phase.  He had flash anger episodes, never talked....but I thought maybe we would work through it.  We own a house and now have a baby on the way.  I have now grown to hate him over the past few months, to be honest I don't hate anyone.  And I was always the happy, always laughing kind of person before him.  Now in his presence I can't even bring myself to smile.  He isn't funny, attractive, intelligent (kinda dumb), attentive, he can be a nice guy if you ever get him to say a word.  All I think about most days when I'm alone is how i can financially get away.  And now what would happen with the baby, (not planned).  I miss "me" and when I'm with friends I think they know I'm off but most blame it on "too much at once" but I put on a front with them.  Alone I end up crying and just feeling numb.  I have tried to just get me back and sort of ignore him but I know that isn't the answer.  He is never going to let me go easily especially with the baby.  I almost wish he would tell me to get out of his life or get sick of me.  The way i see it that is the only way I can leave and be happy.

I thought he would change, he is also very lazy.  Works 8 days a month and does NOTHING else the other 20.  Yet I come home to a pigsty and him wanting dinner.  If I ask him to do something it is a BIG deal.  And will usually end up in a fight.  I'm tired of fighting and his fighting method quickly turns to anger and he becomes unreasonable inwhich i immediately back down.  

I'm disappointed in myself for saying yes a few months ago, I am a coward.  For the first time in my life I am a coward.  I couldn't leave, and disappoint family etc.  For 33 years I stood on my feet dated wonderful men had some great relationships and never was afraid of being alone or telling someone how I felt.  Yet I couldn't NOT go through with the wedding....and things are gradually getting worse.  

I can't go to family and friends, so far its just been the dog.  So here I am hoping that someone has some words of encouragement or something.  


Mel345 Mel345
1 Response Aug 15, 2009

HELLO<br />
I myself waited until I was 33 to get married,I recently was married a few months ago and I already hate my husband.I am a very caring person and my husband is very selfish.....nevertheless I understand your pain,I too think about leaving everyday! I hope and pray that once the baby is here things get better for you.......I will keep you in my prayers and please do the same for me.