Why Did I Get Married to Him?
I waited till I was just turning 33 to get married, this past May. We were together for 3 years previously. Things weren't great the last year or so but figured it was a phase. He had flash anger episodes, never talked....but I thought maybe we would work through it. We own a house and now have a baby on the way. I have now grown to hate him over the past few months, to be honest I don't hate anyone. And I was always the happy, always laughing kind of person before him. Now in his presence I can't even bring myself to smile. He isn't funny, attractive, intelligent (kinda dumb), attentive, he can be a nice guy if you ever get him to say a word. All I think about most days when I'm alone is how i can financially get away. And now what would happen with the baby, (not planned). I miss "me" and when I'm with friends I think they know I'm off but most blame it on "too much at once" but I put on a front with them. Alone I end up crying and just feeling numb. I have tried to just get me back and sort of ignore him but I know that isn't the answer. He is never going to let me go easily especially with the baby. I almost wish he would tell me to get out of his life or get sick of me. The way i see it that is the only way I can leave and be happy.
I thought he would change, he is also very lazy. Works 8 days a month and does NOTHING else the other 20. Yet I come home to a pigsty and him wanting dinner. If I ask him to do something it is a BIG deal. And will usually end up in a fight. I'm tired of fighting and his fighting method quickly turns to anger and he becomes unreasonable inwhich i immediately back down.
I'm disappointed in myself for saying yes a few months ago, I am a coward. For the first time in my life I am a coward. I couldn't leave, and disappoint family etc. For 33 years I stood on my feet dated wonderful men had some great relationships and never was afraid of being alone or telling someone how I felt. Yet I couldn't NOT go through with the wedding....and things are gradually getting worse.
I can't go to family and friends, so far its just been the dog. So here I am hoping that someone has some words of encouragement or something.