I Hate My Husband For Sabotaging My Life (long Story)

I hate my husband because he is an emotionally immature jerk who is incapable of being a responsible man. I am his third wife and I have accepted that he loves on the maturity level of a 15 year old boy.  We dated for six years before we married. It has been impossible to create a life with him because he cannot follow through on anything and he breaks his word. He embarrasses me in public by saying thoughtless things.  He is a pipe dreamer who will spend $1,000 to $2,000 each year or so on some dream that catches his attention. But he loses interest within a couple of weeks or months and then he quits because he has no tenacity. He broke off three engagement dates within three months of the wedding dates. 

During engagement #2, we were supposed to be saving toward buying a first home. I saved about $15,000.  He took his $1,500 he saved and bought a professional grade video camera because he was going to be a documentary filmmaker and make a film driving on the autobahn in Germany! And he has no film training, informal or formal.  Then, he broke off the engagement. I went ahead and bought a house a couple months later.  

He broke off engagement #3 during a session with our church's couples' group. It was ugly. A year later, he begged me to take him back. Because I was almost 40 and looked at this as my only chance at having a family, I said yes and we married about six weeks later. Then, two months later, he decides he wants to move overseas (he has a son with wife #2. They both live in Germany and figured an overseas job would be closer to his son.) He announces he wants my support in his applying for a job in South Korea!  Huh? Mind you. He knew NOBODY in South Korea. He only has a high school diploma and had nine years in the military and several years working in credit unions and mortgage companies. He had never made more than $30,000 in his life!! I was making $90,000 at the time, had been a bank vice-president and was about to start law school.  But yet, he wants me to support him in moving to Korea so badly that he basically did not touch me more than once a month during our whole first year of marriage. His reasoning fails me and the way he treats me hurts me.  He KNEW I WANTED CHILDREN so he barely touches me in the first year of marriage.  I will never get over that.

Now, we've been married for almost 10 years. We've gone to five different counselors.  He never changes. He just keeps mucking up my life. He makes snap decisions about money or expenses without consulting me and I handle all of our bill payments and investments.  He embarrasses me in public.  His word cannot be trusted. Just this past year he has done the following: 1) During a dinner party of six other couples, wondered aloud if anybody could guess the number of times he broke up with me before he finally married me. (direct quote). 2) The day after that outburst asked the forgiveness of one of the couples because he may have made THEM feel uncomfortable. (I had specifically asked him NOT to do such a thing). 3) Sprayed weed-killer in my ornamental flower beds, killing all my perrenials (he refuses to read instructions); 4) Dug out all my hosta plants (about 30) with no notice because he wanted to "thin them." Two months later he finally replanted them after I hounded him when several of them died. 5) Told the tree removal company to leave the lumber from two maple trees and to not grind up the stumps or tree roots because he wanted to do it. Three months later, the wood, stumps and roots are still three and winter in Ohio is closing in. 6) Told the roofers who replaced our roof not to replace the gutter guards because he wanted to get new ones!  WE DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR NEW ONES!  7) Kept me waiting for him to pick me up outside in -17 degree weather last January because the computer repair tech in his office "wouldn't let him go." It would have been too easy to call me or answer his phone when I called. And no, there was no place for me to go indoors. I have lupus and that episode resulted in an asthma attack and bronchitis. I was out of work for three days. 8) Cancelled FIVE separate weekends of planned activities with ME (his WIFE) to go to his mother's or brother's house (both an hour to two hours away) because HE WANTED TO.  The last such cancellation came today. And it is the straw that broke the camel's back.

He has never given me a reason to think he has cheated. He has never hit me. He doesn't even curse. He doesn't drink to excess, smoke or do drugs. He has never been in trouble with the law. He is sometimes sweet. He frequently makes me coffee in the morning and on weekends when we get along, he will even bring me breakfast in bed.  He even does most of the laundry.

But he is insensitive to the point of cruelty. For example, he couldn't remember the medical reason of why I ultimately couldn't have children. He once lost a job and told me that he didn't want to look for another job because he felt he "deserved a break" from working. This was at a time when I was working 70 hours a week at two jobs (making three times his salary) AND I was going to law school part-time AND I was paying HIS child support.  Two months later, my lupus flared, I developed a rare blood disorder and fell into a coma.  I swear I think part of it was from the strain and stress.

He frequently makes snap judgments and yells at me when he has totally misunderstood a situation. He has done this in front of my family and his. Then he will blame it on me because I should have reminded him of something or another.  His family knows how he is and even his mother has told me she will always love me and will understand if I leave her son.

Well, I am ready to do that because even though he is basically a good man I HATE MY HUSBAND.


jemcakes jemcakes
46-50, F
9 Responses Oct 11, 2009

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He's abusive. Leave the man. Have the guts to retake the reigns of YOUR life. This guy's a freeloader and doesn't deserve you.

I think he has a personality disorder. Possibly Borderline or Narcissistic. I wondered about my husband for years and then I read the 'symptoms' of narcissistic personality disorder. Describes him perfectly. I'm still with him (wife no 3) after 20 years and I have to wonder at my own disorder or weakness for staying with him. He's incredibly emotionally insensitive but I had much evidence of that before we married but just didn't want to face it. Now I wonder if I'm strong enough to leave him but our lives are so separate, why face financial insecurity in my old age? I'm 57 and couldn't face another marriage/partnership. He's destroyed my trust and I don't believe in happy endings. Obviously, he has some good points but not really as a husband and I've destroyed myself by staying with him. But I hope you can move on and recover yourself. And please, someone out there tell me I SHOULD face financial insecurity in my old age and regain my self-respect! I hope you do better than me, best wishes and love for the future. x

Your husband sounds like my husband. I feel your pain! <br />
It also sounds like he has borderline personality disorder.

Wow I think we married brothers, twins at that, I finally realized that mine has aspergers. A form of retardation. I still can't stand him, he's passive agressive and his "little" mistakes have left him with a daughter in the custody of foster care. God I thought the mistress was bad, those foster care bast***s are from hell. Between him, the child, and foster care people I want to take our child and leave the country. But of course he has bankrupted me and because I have lupus and fibromyalga I can't work anymore. He now has high bp and is over weight and all I can think is I would draw good of SS and our son could finish school. But the way my luck has run with him, he'll out live me and go on to destroy someone else's life as well.

There are so many similarities between your husband and mine that it is uncanny. Your husband is doing big crazy things like the documentary, is he also doing smaller crazy stuff on a daily basis? When you talk to him about it, does he either go completely silent or freak out in a big way? I'm just curious. It sounds almost like narcissistic personality disorder from what you've said, and I only say that because it's something I researched when trying to figure out my own husband.<br />
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I wish I had some advice for you, but all I know is that men like this don't change. They may change for a little while but the craziness and disregard for others always comes back. I wish you luck.

Wow-it's amazing how there are some men out there who actually do some things right but miserably fail where it is most important. You are not alone in your situation; I recently removed myself from something similar a few years ago. I have such sympathy for you; I wish there was some concrete advice for you. All I can say is at least you are professionally successful so that you CAN leave him and have a much better life for yourself. My exhusband was very much like you describe here; he was nice, cared about me, and actually did some small thoughtful things for me like write me love letters, open doors, was very affectionate, etc., but the big picture was that he was obsessive compulsive, made stupid decisions (or no decisions at all and I had to deal with EVERY ASPECT of our life while he went fishing), embarass me in public for saying stupid things or getting intoxicated, etc. It was the anger and the yelling and the emotional abuse that finally made me leave him, but the constant irritation with his stupid annoying habits and inability to actually take responsibility (he did work and was very ambitious, but he obsessed about it so much that he couldn't do anything else). He complained constantly about money but yet wouldn't help me manage it, he yelled at me for the tiniest specks of dust on the floor but yet wouldn't clean up after himself, much less do the dusting, vaccuuming, etc. Please read my story in this group... My best advice would be to just leave. You are obviously independent, intelligent, and are currently dragging around a dead weight. Your health is at stake here! Good luck...

Thank you for your response. No, he had no diagnoses at all, but we have both have wondered about bi-polar and ADHD. A former counselor suggested he was mildly sociopathic. I think he is passive-aggressive, too.

Has he ever been diagnosed bipolar?