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He's A Self-Centered Cheating Jerk!

 

Ugh, it's going to feel so good to get this off my chest. I've read some of the other experiences here and mine pales in comparison, but I really have to share. My husband is a controlling, self-centered, cheating, jerk! Our daughter put it to me best when she asked, "why is daddy so mean to you and me?"

First off, he's controlling. He dictates to me what my career should be, what friends I should have and what I should do with them, when I should visit my family, and lately even what I eat for lunch! He has to know every dime I spend and on what (he even inspects store receipts), when people call he asks what they are saying to me (while I am still on the phone—which makes it hard to talk), he reads my e-mail and IMs over my shoulder, etc. Yet he’s secretive about most of what he does! One really weird thing about this nosey/controlling behavior of his, is that he also says I don’t get out of the house enough (but after working full time, caring for our child the rest of the time, and doing the household chores—I don’t want to go out. I want to chill out and relax at home).

He’s also self-centered. Everything revolves around him and his mood swings—and I should have some ESP to know what he’s thinking. When I have a bad day at work, I check it at the front door. When he has a bad day, he’s mean to me and our daughter, stomps around, and throw fits. He raises his voice to me a lot (he isn't physically abusive--but it still scares me).

He’s hard on our little girl too. Sometimes he goes way over the top playing the “loving father” (especially if people are around to see). But he has a mean, dark side too and will raise his voice at her or yell at her for the slightest little thing (and I am talking about things that don’t matter like spilling a glass of milk on the kitchen floor, breaking a toy, etc). He doesn’t hit, but he’s just plain mean! But most times he does nothing with her though. He doesn’t read to her, help her with homework, does take care of her when she’s sick, etc… unless he has an audience. Pictures she draws are always of me and her—very rarely is “daddy” in the pictures and when he is, he’s often standing apart from us. To look at her pictures, you’d think she has a single mom.

His ability to be selfish astounds me. For example, I shop for my clothes and our daughter's at places like Target or Sears because he tells me “don’t spend a lot, money is tight!” But then he turns around and shops at high end stores and spends hundreds to thousands of dollars on himself for name brand clothes (we both work in offices BTW, so I need office clothes too). In fact, he spends more in three months on dry-cleaning his fancy clothes than I spend in a year on new clothes for me and our daughter COMBINED. If he goes out to happy hour after work and spends a few hundred bucks, hey, that’s okay. But if treat myself to a $10 take-out lunch at work, I am overspending.  

By the way, speaking of money, because he earns more than I do, he says our marriage is unequal. So therefore I should work, do childcare, clean, do yard work, etc. to make up for the “discrepancy in income.” Guess the jerk forgot when we were first married and he was in the military and I made three times as much as he did.  Or forgot that I paid off all his debt with my pre-marriage savings when we were first married, etc. When we were first married we talked about children (plural). I later found out that my husband didn’t want to have ANY children (he lied to me and our priest when he said he too have children--luckily, we have one beautiful child. I would love more children, but I am grateful to be blessed with her).

Now the cheating part. First off, before we were married he never told me he was bi-sexual. After we were married I was devastated to find out he was having an affair with a man. He said that “didn’t count” since in our vows he had forsaken all other women, not men (which is a lie, it was "all others") and he met that man before we were married anyway. I should have left him then, but stupid me, I forgave him. Since there he’s had a couple of “friends” I’ve wondered about. The latest is a woman. They’ve gone on “business trips” together and where they've shared rooms to “cut back on expenses.” He even brought her with him when he went on what was supposed to be a “daddy/daughter” event—it infuriates me to think of this other woman playing “mommy” to my daughter. Luckily we stopped having sex years ago (after our daughter was born because he doesn’t want any more kids), so I don’t have to worry about whatever diseases he has. Anymore I really don’t care if he has an affair, I don’t love him anyway.

The ironic thing is he seems to think he sees signs of me cheating on him all the time.  Out in public he literally keeps a hand on me at all times and introduces me as “his wife” and not by my name. For the first years of our marriage he was active duty military and I stood by him—faithful. I missed him on those year-long deployments and it never dawned on me to cheat on him—I wrote to him and sent care packages and waiting for him to come home safely. I was the lame devoted wife stereotype. It hurts to be “paid back” like this knowing he cheats and with his accusations.

The ONLY good thing to come out of this marriage is our daughter. I love her with all my heart--as I've said she's a blessing. And that’s why I can’t leave. I thought about leaving him, but I am afraid to lose custody of my child (he does make more than I do, can provide better, etc. and he would fight for sole custody as a power trip thing. He could probably afford a really good lawyer). I kind of told myself, when she’s 18, I am free. It’s like I am serving time or something.

Anyway, that’s only the tip of the iceberg as I bet a lot of these experiences are. I know I am not perfect--I have my faults and personality traits that others might not like, but my husband is just over the top. We hardly have any friends anymore, my family won't visit, our daughter is afraid of him, and he even had a boss disciple him for being verbally abusive to his staff. It feels good to share what little bit I could though. Thank you for reading.

 

scottylane scottylane 36-40, F 7 Responses Dec 4, 2009

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If you are still in this marriage, I suggest you find a way to get out. How long have you been married? It's good that he isn't physically abusive, but unfortunately from the sound of things, I think that is only a matter of time. For he obviously has no respect for you, and if you were there as you said you were, you don't deserve this sentence. I understand your fear of losing your daughter, but there must be a way. If you're still married and it's still as bad as this post states, I say try harder to find a way out, for life is way too short to spend it living and feeling as you do. (I really hope things have gotten better since you wrote this)

You know..you can have someone help you hire a private detective to follow him around to catch him in the act. It would help with you getting a divorce not to mention you can find someway to sign in as an abused woman with your daughter. They can get both of your stories and it will be used against him in court. You should not wait until your daughter is 18. That is too long for you and her both. I wish you lucky! :)

Ewwwww! Makes me cringe when I think of all of the dark places his little "buddy" has been! I'd find me a good nasty lawyer, make sure H's **** hasn't rotted off (but good proof that he cheated!), keep a daily diary of what he say and does to you and your daughter and keep in touch with his supervisors for witnesses later.<br />
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Cocky jerks like this don't win. Best of luck to you!

Ewwwww! Makes me cringe when I think of all of the dark places his little "buddy" has been! I'd find me a good nasty lawyer, make sure H's **** hasn't rotted off (but good proof that he cheated!), keep a daily diary of what he say and does to you and your daughter and keep in touch with his supervisors for witnesses later.<br />
<br />
Cocky jerks like this don't win. Best of luck to you!

Ditto for me. I can relate to alot of what you say also. It was that way for years and years until I caught him cheating. Things are WAY different now.

Ditto for me. I can relate to alot of what you say also. It was that way for years and years until I caught him cheating. Things are WAY different now.

I am so sorry you have to live like that. A lot of the things you say i totally get i, too, am a thrifty shopper looking for sales while my husband has like 60 pairs of brand names shoes and only wears brand name clothes. But when i buy something nice for myself (for a great deal) he either ruins it when he gets angry or makes a point to buy something 3 times more expensive and showy! I totally understand your frustration.