Soo Unhappy And Alone......

I have way too much to talk about.  It's been 20 years of disappointment, neglect, abuse.  My feelings are so stuffed I don't think I can ever get out of this.

I have never loved my husband. I guess that's not fair to him.  But, I might have been able to if he didn't disappoint me so much all the time.  I don't know why I even made the decision to marry him in the first place. It was never right in the first place.  I never did like him.  All we ever did was fight on a daily basis.  He never wants to do what I want to do.  Constant disappointment,  wouldn't go to family stuff with me, I was always alone.  Everyone else would have their mate and I would be alone.   And, it didn't matter, even when he decided to do anything with me it always ended in a fight.  All he ever wanted to do in the beginning is have sex. He would just come near me and he wanted sex.  At first I had to give it to him to not make him mad.  Everything about it just has never been good at all....   I am just too easy.  I let myself get walked on and treated like a dog becasue I dont want to be alone and can't support myself.  But, that' sjust how it all was at the beginning.

I want out of this soooo bad. and I dont know how to do it.  I still have a 10 year old at home and 6 cats, 6 dogs. 

I don't know how to support myself.  I am trying to get myself mad enough to actually do something about it.    I guess I am really weak.  I have always told myself that I need to stay because of the kids.  I told myself I didn't want to have their kids grow up without their real father, although he wasn't a really good one. 

There has never been a connection with us.  I can't ask questions or I don't get an answer or get yelled at, hung up on or my stuff broken. 

And, you know what's also really stupid is I didn't want to hurt him.  

I think it all stems back to wanting to have someone and got to the point where the few boyfriends I had in high school cheated on me and I caught them and the abuse started back then.  I had no trust.  I have never been able to find the right one.  Maybe I am meant to be alone. 

There  are just way too many things to talk about.  I would take years of counseling to get me straightened out and I am  afraid that I will never be straightened out. 

BevKramer BevKramer
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 5, 2010

Hi. I am so sorry to read how you are feeling. First I woul suggest getting counseling for yourself. You need to think about you, and being happy. This man sounds very emotionally abusive, and you need to have someone to talk to-and a counselor can help you sort things out alittle. Also you need to start thinking about finding some type of job, and gaining finacial independence. Its better to live in an apt with your child then have yourself emotionally abused every day. That is not good for your child to be around. You are not weak, thats what he wants you to believe. You just need to find your inner strenght. As women we live so much of our lives trying to find the right man, hoping he will fix or complete us. But we need to be able to stand on our own in life. I also advise that you try to find some hobbies outside the home. Anything at all-church, book club, join a gym, take a class etc. Anything you can do to gain a life outside of him. You need to start to build a new life. I know all of this seems hard but take it one step at a time, and think about the future. Its got to be better then the present. Also I would suggest a book called "Women who love too much". I cant remember the author but it would be a good read for you. <br />
I am wishing you all the best. You can do this. You were strong enough to post here.