New To This & No Longer Switzerland

I'm glad I did some research and found a place where I can vent, with hopes that someone will have some sage advice, or just words of encouragement.

I started a relationship last year with the man I am going to marry in two weeks. It is my first marriage, and his second. He is the only man that I've had to deal with an ex-wife with. This is also the first time I will be a "mom" (step-mom). His daughter is 13 and his son is 9. We get them every other weekend. It's great to see them when they're with us, but my fiance wishes he could see them more often. We're in the process of putting our money together, and figuring out our debt, bills, etc. We've come to find that we'll be barely scraping by, so there are some changes that need to be made.

I work for state government, so I have great health insurance. It's also at a good price. To add my future husband would be the same cost as adding the two children. So, I proposed to him that we add the kids to my insurance after we get married. It saves us money and gives the kids better insurance than what they currently have with their mom. Because she provides the insurance, my fiance pays her half of the kids insurance; or what he is told is half of his kids insurance. We sat down and did the math one day a few months ago, and the amount he pays for one of the kids is over $250 per month. I know a thing or two about insurance, since I work within the insurance industry with government programs, and have done commercial/employment insurance in the past. For medical only, apparently they pay nearly $1000/month. I don't buy that we're only paying for the kids with this huge amount per month. With my insurance, which is $300/month for medical, prescriptions, dental, vision and orthodontia, is just a little more to pay for all of us. My fiance proposed this to his ex-wife, and she basically went ballistic. She insinuated that I would bail on the relationship and leave her kids in the cold. She went so far as to blackmail my fiance with information so I'd possibly break up with him. That backfired badly. Because of this little issue I am convinced that he's paying for the entire family's insurance because she's not willing to give the children what's best for them.

She further went on to tell my fiance that he's basically a dead beat dad, though he pays his child support on time every single week. He's never missed an insurance payment, and is never late picking up or dropping off the kids. She claims he never goes to events, and doesn't want to see the kids when it's not his weekend. He works an hourly job, and has been trying to get as much overtime as possible for the wedding, so he hasn't been able to do as much with the kids during off weekends, but what does this have to do with the insurance? Nothing. She's being a control freak.

I had no problem with her until this past weekend with the fit she threw about the insurance, and then her near demand that I provide her with photos of the kids from my wedding. She has yet to provide us with photos of the kids for anything. We found out yesterday that his daughter went to a dance. His daughter showed him the photos, his ex-wife didn't. She never gave him photos of them from her wedding. I spoke with my therapist about my issue with her making my wedding preparations with his daughter more difficult, and my therapist indicated that she would do that because she's the ex-wife. I put it off as something I'd have to deal with, but when the future step-mom cares more about the kids' well being than the biological mom does, there's something very wrong.

I know I'll be dealing with issues for the rest of my life with her, and I really need to be able to let some things go, because if I don't I'm not going to get any sleep, and neither is my fiance. This will be the gist of my visits here.
Marilyth Marilyth
May 7, 2012