So Frustrated And Stuck, Feel Depressed And Don't Know What To Do.

So, I don't know where to begin my story/rant. Six years ago I met my husband while living on the west coast. We had an instant connection and strong attraction/chemistry toward each other. Which of course is why we dated and got married. Anyway, long story short, his family has always stressed me out from day one. They are very old-fashioned, super judgmental, extremely formal, super conservative, and so uptight. He is originally from Virginia, so being on the opposite coast made things a lot less stressful for me in terms of my in-laws. Anyway, during the beginning of our relationship, they would come and visit us every once in a while. Let me just say that those visits made me feel extremely stressed out. My mother-in-law was constantly controlling me, telling me what to do, how to keep my house, and was CONSTANTLY judging me. It was always very stressful for me when they would come in visit.

Anyway, 3 months after giving birth to my daughter (2 years ago now) my in-laws, my husband, and I had a falling out in our relationship. Basically, I had just finished my maternity leave and had just started going back to work full-time. My in-laws arrived for the Thanksgiving holiday, and because I was working full-time and adjusting to having a newborn, I couldn't stay on top of my housework. There was a pile of laundry I had that I was planning on getting around to folding that day before they arrived, but they arrived a lot earlier than expected. Anyway, my mother-in-law saw the pile of laundry and freaked out on me (so much for understanding), which in turn made me cry, and then caused my husband to kick them out of our house. She also called me the worse names you could call a person, and said the most hurtful things to me. So basically, my husband and I and my in-laws did not talk for 2 years.

But even after all of that, my husband and I forgave them and tried to talk, but they constantly refused to talk to us and would constantly tell us that we were trash. They didn't even want to have anything to do with their granddaughter. It was only until we went to Virginia for my husband's cousin's wedding did we finally reconcile, and the reconciliation part was all drama too.

Anyway, literally a month after we made up with my in-laws, my husband got a job promotion; however, that job promotion entailed us moving to Virginia. I was constantly fighting it because I couldn't bear being close to my in-laws, but my husband kept pushing for it. So, we made the move from the west coast to Virginia and live only a couple of miles from my in-laws. This is where my story/rant now begins. We've only been here for 2 months or so, but I cannot stand it. I hate it here to begin with, but the added stress of my mother-in-law constantly weighs me down on top of all the major stressors like my husbands new job, new move and area, and being at home with a 2 year old. I feel sooooo overwhelmed and alone. When I try to bring it up to my husband, it makes him angry because he is so stressed out at work. I don't have any friends here to talk about it too, and the time change difference makes it hard to communicate with my friends on the west coast. My husband and I also got in a fight the other day because he was talking about being here for another 15 years, and I started to feel trapped and claustrophobic. I can maybe endure being here for 3 years max, but 15 years made me feel suicidal. Anyway, I just want to get away. This move has put a lot of tension on my marriage, and my husband wants my in-laws in my daughter's life (which makes me feel terrible), and of course, he makes me feel bad for feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

I want to try and make the best out of this move, but I feel like I cannot. I honestly want out, and I feel so suicidal and depressed. I am already taking anti-depressants trying to cope with it here, but it is not helping at all. Maybe I should talk to a therapist. I feel like I made a big mistake and got myself trapped in this situation. I love my husband very much, but his parents are a big weight around my neck. I feel so depressed with my life and don't know what to do...
highdimension highdimension
3 Responses Feb 21, 2012

It looks like youve already gotten a couple of responses but they are not accessible so i dont know what other people have told you. Im going thru something similar and it has helped me to read your story. Im a very educated woman with 5 collage degrees who married a truck driver who is a wonderful friend and husband but his family are all 300 lbs , uneducated, crude, judgemental white trash. Oh and did I mention all on disability and or welfare. I dont want to go into all the details now but as you can imagine they don't like me. No matter how hard I try they are endlessly passive aggressive hostile and my husband of course cant see it. The best advise I can give you from my experience dealing with my husbands family is dont say anything to your husband indicating u are upset when they **** on you. Maintain a above board code of behavior. Dont let on to them that they are bothering you. When they slight you pretend you dont see it. cover your *** at all times and understand that they will never be your friends. never ever trust them. Find someone outside the family to confide in. Maybe a therapist. I think they are Jealous. They would love nothing better than to Win by causing problems between you and him. You gotta get control of your emotions and your anger somehow. Dont let it show. Remember. Never roll in the mud with pigs you get dirty and the pig just loves it.

Hi, I understand how you feel. I went through the same experience when I was still engaged with my husband. I was so naive about how much my husband was so attached to his family, especially his aunt. Months before my wedding, my husband's family wanted me to sign a pre nup agreement and I was told that it was for my protection. I should have considered it as a red flag, but because I was deeply in love with him, I made myself believe that his family just wanted the best for him so I ignored their behavior. I can still remember when I was 2 months pregnant with my first child, his family started to interfere with us. I never had the chance to enjoy my motherhood because every other week, they wanted me to share my newly born baby with them. They have misunderstood me from the beginning and have been accused numerous times of not being totally in-love with my husband. Words are not enough to express how hurt I was at that time. The worst part was, my husband dismissed my feelings and have accused me that I was going crazy and needed medication. I feel as though that our marriage was based on my behavior towards his domineering aunt and his too dependent mother.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes but if it ever happens to me, my idea is to give your husband a tough love. Give him an option whether he wants to stay with you or not. If he sticks to his family, then, you are not meant for each other.

Try finding out pro reasons for husband to move bk to the west coast for work. Try to attend company functions to understand if there cld be such an opportunity. Also engage in educational courses or activities ( other fellow mums) that involve u and daughter so that when the in laws want to drop by visits, u r never free, yes idea your social circle for support. Meanwhile, 15 yrs is dead long but nothing is confimed as yet so dun argue with your hubby over that!! It will only drive him crazy and pushes him towards your in laws. When your mil complains on your housekeeping, dilute her sarcasm with humor or nonsensical remarks instead of headstrong comments. Better still, distract her with other topics like asking her on current updates of relatives or husband's siblings etc... For the sake of your daughter, if you do love your hubby still, work towards and not away from this marriage. Also instead of her dropping by for visits, go to her instead to minimise critical judgment days! Plan short term vacations eg weekend vacations away from home to minimise interaction with in laws or to coincide with their visitations. Hope these helps!