Should I Leave My Husband

I am suffocating in my husbands world. I moved to his town in the boonies where I had no other friends except my husband. I moved into his ****** house that was litterally torn apart and under construction and by the way a mile from his parents house. So as we worked on it we "had" to according to my husband live with his parents. This was a living hell, thankfully my husband listened when I said no more I love living in construction zones. His mother running around trying to be involved in our every move. The woman is as maternal as they come and because of this she is dependant on others needing her. In the processs of being needed she has clipped my husbands wings his entire life. He has no voice, and no spine for that matter, and I am the bad guy for wanting a life of our own. She has no life and wants to live through us. I hate her, she makes me nautious. She is the all knowing one and very religous which I am not. I hate organized religion because of the controlling freaks in the world like her that ruinned what was once good about religion. I will not baptize my children b/c I don't believe that a newborn baby has sinned. I think that is totally ****** up and I should have a right to do with my offspring as I please. I hear her wisper creepy jesus things to my husbands niece and nefew and can see myself littlerally spitting in her face or somehting a little more violent than that if she tries to brain wash my kids. It has come to the point where I see no way to continue my mariage unless we move to the other side of the country or at least a 6 hour drive away. Here is the kicker. My husband works for his family business, which pays him ****, but keeps him comfortable enough. He is convinced that if he stays working for the business a few more years he can make enough so we can leave this ****** little town. I unfortunatly don't see my husband being able to make the business that much more successful. I want to make a living not just survive. I have my own business that could exist anywhere, and being trapped in this suburban hell which his family is so proud of is killing me. I am burning out b/c all I can do is work to keep my mind off of how miserable I am. I work so hard so I can afford to get us away from his family and this backwards town that is stuck in the 50s. I always wanted children, but knowing that procreating will inevitably encourage their presence in my life. I feel violent when I think of them handeling my children. What is wierd is that they are "nice community folk." They creep me out with their leave it to Beever mentality. They are as frumpy as they come and I want my children to be influenced by fabulousness. I don't think I can make this marriage work. I can't imagine my kids having any qualities that essentially have his genes. What did I do? I knew I hated his family before I married him. I am making sure that I don't get pregnant. My offspring are better off as little cells than living in this town with these incredibly boreing people. What is so scary is that I know I can't continue with this marriage, I just don't know how to get out of here with out loosing control of my business. Without my business I can't survive and it absorbs my life as it is. Focusing on moving again so soon could destroy me and my business. I am so tired. I know I am not capable of suicide, but I almost wish I were so I could leave. Do any of you have some copeing advice? This feels like hell.
onthefritz onthefritz
31-35, F
31 Responses May 1, 2007

Holy crap! This is s horrible, but it makes me feel better to know people are living through the same things I am. I have been married for almost 4 years now, and in that entire time we have lived with my husband's ENTIRE family! We never had a honeymoon, and he constantly told me he always wanted to travel, but his money ALWAYS goes toward family trips. His family isn't horrible, and I feel like I am a really laid-back person considering the circumstances, but I can only take so much! He lost his job last year, and we really had no savings since I am in college, and he only works. For an entire year he just sat around the house until I got a job and worked + school. I would come home, and he'd have a bunch of friends over and his siblings would be noisy as all hell! I can hardly ever get studying done or have a decent nights rest because of how LOUD they are! I wake up in a bad mood, and then everyone thinks I am being disrespectful but I am just SO TIRED! There are 6 of us in that place and 3 do not have stable jobs, or a source of income. Luckily my financial aid helps pay for rent, but I could have used that money to move out already, and his mother just quit her job and doesn't want to work anymore, and neither does his younger sister so we are just expected to take care of them with his seasonal job and my financial aid! I know if I had to I could just work and go to school at the same time so I could move out myself without him, but I would feel like I wasted 4 years of my life ! What should I do I can't just tell everyone to get jobs so he doesn't feel obligated to take care of them anymore, but I am at the end of my rope guys...venting helps, but seriously. I'm at a loss

Oh my God. We are living EXACTLY the same life. I would love to email you. I mean, I am in EXACTLY the same situation, but I am currently in year 4 of my marriage and thinking about counseling. My inlaws know that I do not like them, and they talk badly about me to my husband, who always sides with them.

I feel the exact same way. They hate me and it's ok, but I hate them and I'm the big bad. I'm so sick of it, everything is great then they create some ridiculous request or drama and my husband freaks out on me and it's always around our anniversary or the holidays. tell me that's not manipulation 101. i bleeping hate them and i'm starting to hate my husband. whatever happened to leave and cleave

Just reading your post now and wondered what decision you made in the end x

My husband works for his cousin who will throw him under the bus as quick as anyone. His cousin pays him crap, but because he's "blood" my husband has this displaced loyalty to him and can't see the forest through the trees. He thinks he's "helping" his cousin to build a business, but his cousin acts like he's lucky to have a job. My husband is not without talent and has a good work ethic, and is employable. When I ask him to contribute his fair share to the household expenses, he say's that I'm trying to bleed him dry (rather than understanding that we're partners, and because he chooses to sell himself short and work for peanuts for his cousin that it doesn't absolve him from living expenses). We got married when we were older. We have no children together. Maybe that accounts for my "contribute your fair share" attitude, but, as a man, shouldn't his first priority to be to help support his family (wife) and not to be to act like a devoted puppy to a cousin who does not return the loyalty?

My husband is always different around his mom and grandma... Even makes me feel like less of a person around them... Today they stopped for a visit. I have a 16 month and a 5 month who both were sleeping that never happens... It was nice when it does. They stopped by unannounced and intentionally woke up my youngest... It pissed me off so much I'm still pissed my heart us racing talking about it. In just sick of the control. I just feel disrespected... I consider leaving my husband to get rid of them but can't. Stuck financially and need to be a mom, im trying very hard to find a overnight job.. But none will pay enough to support us. I don't want a baby sitter doing MY job either... My world today us a total drag and u googles for advice or experiences so I feel you.

This is crazy. I feel like this in my husband's family. What happened to you? I've been married for just over a year. We lived with my husband' parents the first 8 months of our marriage. They seriously live through their children. The only difference in my story is that I am pretty religious. I believe in all the same things they do, but sometimes I feel they are very arrogant. They have the ugliest clothes I have ever seen. My husband and I seriously NEVER fight about anything except about his family. We finally moved out and have been on our own for awhile. Things have been better, but I honestly dread any second I have to spend with them. I knew they were corky before we got married, but they started to get even more CLINGEY and CRAZY after I was in the family. They semi insist on me calling them mom and dad; I am just automatically just suppose to be their daughter. They are COMPLETELY OBNOXIOUS!!!!! My husband acts different around them. He is the most amazing awesome man in the whole freakin world when we aren't around them. I really want to move away from them, like a few states away. I know that is it so sad. I pray every day that I can learn to love and respect them...but it isn't working. The problem is that my husband adores his parents. He knows they have some faults, but he likes being there for him. Some of his siblings are able to put up with his parents, but a few of them are like...they just drive us all insane. I can put up with it some of the time...but I have a hard time handly more family time than like 2x a month. I think my husband would prefer being with them more like 3x a week. My parents only live about an hr. away. I love them. I feel like my in laws try to sufficate me as much as possible, and we get looked down on when we go see my family..which is WAY LESS often than his family. I don't regret my marriage to my sweet husband whom I love dearly, but I really wish I could divorce his family. I am so miserable. I might try to find opportunities, and ways we can move without telling him a huge motivation of it is to get away from his family. Maybe if I could have a break for a few years, I could handle them better if we move back...or if they just came to visit twice a year or something like that. Suggestions???

I feel like your story relates to mine as well. I'm soon to be married to my fiance, so I associate him as my husband even though we're not yet. Anyways, I absoultely LOATHE his parents. I have a bone to pick with his father about his damned smoking causing my man to have chronic asthma and breathing issues. Both his mother and father are in denial about his father causing their son to develop asthma, as they've been IGNORING his medical condition for 18 years now! I had to rush him to the hospital their last visit and he nearly died from the severity of his asthma attack. AND THEY STILL WONT TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS ****? NOPE. I swear I hate his father....he has the audacity to blame my animals for my husband's asthma?! Plus, his father is an alchoholic and since James ( my man) never went to therapy for his bullshit when he was younger he has to go now, well I have to make him go for his anger and self esteem issues. Go figure that he admitted to me that his father NEVER ONCE praised him or gave him approval on ANYTHING. Now I'm stuck with him like this! When we visit these freaking people, I'm never treated like family, I still get the 'girlfriend treatment' and I'm so done with it. Have to constantly remind his father that he can't smoke around his son, and when I remind the bastard, he gets mad at me. His mother is a hoot, she's so maternal that you'd think James was still laying in a crib! She also has to make some snoody comment when I'm around of how I don't take better care of her son, or how she could do it better, or how HE needs to visit them more often. She never says WE, just HE. Like WTF?! We're not allowed to cuddle on their cough either, the mother will come and sit between us it's so bullshit. I want to move FAR away from them, have maybe one visit from them a year woule be perfect! Oh, and soon as james was released from the hospital after being there for 3 days on oxygen, his mother had the nerve to ask him to start smoking to cure his asthma. I wanted to beat her to a pulp! I can't stand these ******* people!!! Am I wrong to hate this man for making his son so ill? The next step for James is having an at home nebulizer, and if that ever happens I swear I'll fly off the handle for real! Any suggestions? Btw we're both in our early 20's.

Yours is a little extreme, but I can totally relate. In laws. They always have a say on everything. My dreams of marital bliss was shattered because my MIL wanted us to live in their home so we could help out in looking after my husband's nieces. And she often resorts to emotional blackmail, like accusing us of being totally unconcerned with the welfare of my husband's nieces, or that we don't care about family, etc.

I don't know if you will see this message or not. But I read this post and I relate to it so much. I'm curious how life worked out for you? Did you finally get away from them? I hope everything worked out for the best for you!

Im 16 and me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and i absolutely HATE his dad and his dads girlfriend. They hate be because hes always with me because they treat him like crap. But i dont want to leave him because we are so close and i lost my verginity with him . I love him . But what should i do?

After reading many of the posts here, I cannot believe how many women there are out there with the same issues. I think there should be a support group for us out there. It would help me to have a place to vent about how much I hate my I laws and his nosy, lets all be one happy family and share everything crap.

I can feel your frustration and disgust. I to cant stand my husbands parents,sister, aunts, uncles, cousins. They don't like me because I am in their way of taking advantage of my husband. They don't like it now that he has his own family, his money is not spent on them. They have no class, but pretend they have money, buying all name brands and then turn around and cry that they don't have money. They think we have money because we spend wisely and so they expect us to pay for everything. His father even asked me to give him my car and for me to get another one. His whole family is jungle people. They love to travel in a pack and I want nothing to do with them. Every time I think about them, I get so angry. If I ever left my husband, the good side of it would be that I never have to see them again. I told my daughter, be careful who you marry as when you marry your husband, you marry their family as well. Good luck to you! I share your pain.

Don't plan children with your husband unless he finds a career path on his own. Learn from my mistakes. I rushed into a marriage and having children with the person that is dependable on family business. My life today is a disaster. My husband works every day including weekends and doesn't see out daughter growing up. Meanwhile, his parents and brother push him to try harder and don't help with business that feeds two families.

Omg this is my life too the tee I thought I was the only one but everything sounds like my life good luck and when you get an answer let me know

Truthfully, I dont but I can somewhat understand your feeling because I hate my in laws as well but its not just his parents its the entire bunch. Personally I think the best hing to do is leave if he wont validate you and your marriage. Unfortunately I do not work like you so imagine how trapped and suffocated I feel. My husband literally let his family treat me like **** and does absolutely nothing about it. He has actually cursed me out beehind his peer aged cousins who blatantly disrespect me.

That has happened to me too. His cousins think they are top ****.

I can't stand my husbands family specially his 'cousins' aka fake not even related family. They have cost us about 10 thousand plus, pain, agonoy, distress,.and TIME. I was moved my husband to the city in hopes to cut ties and rid myself of these moronic lowlife broke user people....they take LOWLIFE to the next level. What does my husband do when we mive to the city he ******* sabotages me and takes the train to the slums of the bronx to hang out with his 'friends' aka more broke lowlife albanians when we were luving in one of the best lications of manhattan the upper east side but classless scum cannot recognize that. so he ***** me over with rent which badically led to my complete emotional breakdown...i finally left his lowlife liser *** to colorado for a year to try it out.....he waa telling me for months he was going to ger an apartment meanwhile his loser *** could not even hold down a job and he was humiliating his grown *** couch surfing while i had all of my things in a storage in ny and dying to get the **** out of corado. finally his 'cousin' decides to scam him by suggesting he remodel his sisters basement in exchange for rent so we could stay there...he puts 4 grand of his own money into this fat hogs basement made it really nice and soon as he finished this fat ***** pulled a fast one and put the house up for sale claiming she was in a lot of debt +bs) we did not get any of the money we put into this disgusting beast house back and all her family on top of it was bullying him and myself to get work bc they wantef us out. so we ended up moving with anothwr one of his ******* vousins and its eveb more hell. its prime locatiob for all thesw rats to bully him into doing free labor and favors....i hate having to see these people they are incredibly stupis useless and jealizs people who probably would go to sleep with a smile if we ended up in a homeless getting to the poubt where i just cant ******* take it anymore i should of just stayed in colorado im about to take a plane and just not return. my husband keeps telking me he is goinf to stop communication with these low life usibg rats but they always somehow manahe to get his number/do not ger the picture... moving seems to be the only resort i do not want to see these people / would probably go to sleep witg a smile ob my face if for some reasob they all disappeared.....any suggestions

hello on the fritz, get out now. what ever is wrong with your husbands family you will never be able to fix. I think that you will be better off going your own way now, even if you loss your business, better than lossing your soul.<br />
I have been married to a great guy for 22 years. He works in the family business with his extended family (uncles cousins brother and parents) I work there too. I hate it, he gets paid about half of what he would working anywhere else and the rest of his family does nothing and paid better than him. He works on average 60 hours a week, but only gets paid for 40. His younger cousins that work in the business, spend their whole working day avoiding work, or they just are not there.<br />
We are trapped in this whole mess because now if my husband leaves the business he will have nothing to show for over 25 years work. I hate working there, but if I leave the work I do will just be passed on to my husband, making his life more miserable (if that is possible).<br />
I am mad at my inlaws for letting their son be treated this way, and letting the other's in the business do whatever they want.<br />
I hate his family so much, especially his uncles and aunt, and his cousins are worthless pieces of garbage.<br />
I will never get those years back that they have taken from me. I will never know the real person that I had the potential to become, that life has been stolen from me, and in return I have been handed a pile of ****.<br />
I hope that you can be the person you long to be, do it for the long suffering fools that stay when they shouldn't. Good luck.

ive lost my soul my passions life career, and my time

not to mention alot of my personal property bc my husbands family is a bunch of dirty rotten stealing albanians

Your story of the Albanians is soo true. A bunch of stealing user people. Steal everything even underwear. I'd get rid of him. I've done that and taken our daughter away from him and his family and they can't stand the fact I have her as they love her. Ha ha

A very similar situation as well. My mother in law and sister on law are two peas in a pod. My husbands cousin is rude spoiled and a sicko. I can't stand my husbands family either. Nosy, opinionated and very religious. Comments said to me from inlaws with regards to when we have children we best be raising them in their religion.... Before we even got engaged mother in law spoke to her priest about me and even wanted to have an appt. made for me to be baptized just so I could marry in the church! Hell no mam. I should have seen the signs but I love my husband and for the most part he is very good to me. He hates the fact that I don't care too much for his family and that I do make it known to him and at times, speak my mind. This raises his blood for sure and sets him off where he screams and yells and we don't speak. His family always sweeps everything under the carpet and never want to speak about anything. Very materialistic and fake. He feels I should keep my mouth shut about my feelings of his family. That's what a good wife does, apparently. Now I am 5 months pregnant and we are moving away from his family to live closer to mine. He got a job out there and so they won't be as accessible to our children. But how do I deal with them? Why can't my husband see what I see? They aren't very good people and I know that once baby is born religion will yield its ugly head, confronting me once again. Is there a polite way to tell my husband and his family that i don't want out child baptized or christened? Please help

I am going through something simular ....I moved from california to iowa for my husband and I totally regret it ..I hate his family they are so fake and they are turning my husband into a fake person to which is causeing me to have so much anger and hate towards him ...I moved over here so he could spend time with his family little did I know it was gonna be an almost 24/7 thing ...he allows them to talk about me and says they are just joking ..omg I'm so tired of it I don't know what to do anymore I'm miserable ...I love my husband but now I think its turning into hate because of how he treats me and allows his family to treat me

I m in a similar situation, the only difference is that i don't think my husband loves me anymore. This marriage is ruined me and my confidence. But i m too weak to divorce him because i have two kids, a three year old and an infant. I need his economy support. I have been always thinking that i have to continue this for a few more years until i have my own wings to fly. <br />
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If i were in your position, i would first ask if i love this man and if he loves me. if not, i do agree that you deserve better.

Just read your story and although it's been posted a while its still very relevant to me. In fact it was like reading my own thoughts! It's like we're living paralell lives - I am in the exact same situation but don't have kids. Nor, however, do I have to confidence in myself to do anything about it. I was raised in a very volatile family environment with an alcoholic mother and although I am very independant and self motivated her constant undermining and hatred has left me with no strength to draw on to get myself out of this situation. As you, I have experienced the fight or flight feeling that leaves you no option other than suicide - you can't see a way out (I always thought i was too strong a person to even consider suicide - seems not) I can't rely on friends anymore as they have heard the story, seen the situation and did initially offer a shoulder to cry on, and now understandably have heard enough - i fully sympathise with this and no longer want to burden them with it. Due to family background, I am in touch with my brother but am not close enough to ask for help and my Dad is getting on in life and doesn't need the stress. Having given up everything for my husband, I have essentially sold my soul to the devil - I made these choices.<br />
Here's a poem that sprang onto paper the other day whilst day dreaming: <br />
Trapped<br />
Where might i be in ten years? Here, exactly here nothing will change. You're too scared and too conditioned to actually do something. His words are nothing other than to keep me from leaving/ Can you really just resign yourself to it?<br />
There's no heroism in martydom. You've watched someone else do it, hard work & perseverance ensured a comfortable life, but no rest, no sleep untill you're dead.<br />
Our time on this world doesn't have to be the same - the next generation progresses not repeats.<br />
Self ownership and choices are a right for every individual no matter what others might want/expect/demand.<br />
Love can be used as a tool to manipulate at an experienced hand. Constant questioning and change manipulates quietly from the inside. No self assurance, no self belief, am I? can I? not till they say so.<br />
Watching from the outside it all looks ok, look deeper, happiness? or family life - who can tell? Dangerous ground, loyalty from dominence & never recipricated. Can't get in, don't want to die to get back out. Failure, abandonment to the inevitable. <br />
Save yourself, no one else can.<br />
Bit dark but that is how it came out of my head! <br />
Just walked out of a bust Saturday at his family shop - couldn't take the pressure today. Going to have a snooze and wait for the frozen atmosphere this evening. What can I do?

My Fiancee called off our wedding because his brothers sister-inlaw is having a baby and they want to be around when it is born so they can't make it to our wedding. because they will be in England (where the sister inlaw lives) we had our wedding date well over a year ago. I told my fiancee if I don't get married on that day I will never Marry him. We were planning our honeymoon and his parents invited themselves along. Right now that family of crazies are on my honeymoon and I am not Leave the Bastard

I agree... I am really angry at my husband because he can not stand up to his family. There are all kind so issues with our marriage, but by far, letting his abusive narcissitic mother rule and trying to ruin our children was really the last straw... I am seriously considering leaving him.

Run for your life! I did something similar and it ruined me.

I can completely understand your anger and frustration. It sounds so much like my own as I have felt the same way for many years. I recently figured out that my anger was mis-directed at his parents (which are easy targets because they are really backwards thinkers) but really the issue was that my husband was passive when it came to his family, he was not forthright when I would ask him to speak to them about an issue and he would appease me telling me he took care of an issue and I would learn no conversation took place and no issue got resolved… in general he simply was not backing me up.<br />
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I have had the same thoughts about kids, one day when I was super frustrated a light went off within me and I realized that I would be tied to his family forever if I had children. <br />
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I divorced my husband this summer one of the big reasons was that in my heart I knew he just did not 'get it' I knew that he was more on their side than mine...that he cared more about their feelings than mine.. I know he loves me but I could not deal with his family suffocating me and I knew in my soul he would not I did. <br />
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I am not afraid to be alone, not at all. I never thought marriage meant I would be so forced to compromise my life to please other people’s family over myself. I never kept him from seeing his family, in fact, I encouraged it but he was too uncomfortable for him to be around his family without me and his family acted the same way like it was my job to be there so that they would interact between each other, but I just wanted to do my own thing, wanted my relationship with my husband and they can have their relationship with their son…we didn’t have kids so I saw no need to constantly have them in my face. I was like the glue that didn’t want the job of keeping them together…it was so weird. Now, that we are divorced my ex-hubby and his family never see one another. I will never take on someone else’s family, never want to be married again because of it. Being forced to deal with people that you do not want to is too much.

I am not afraid to be alone, not at all. I never thought marriage meant I would be so forced to compromise my life to please other people’s family over myself. - I love that line. That is the bottom line!!!!

fuvk em

as soon as i get some moola im.movinf as far away as i can from.these *******

I'm going through the same thing! How've things been lately for you? What have you decided to do?

Holy Cow! I could have written this - it is so close to my own story. I think of leaving my husband just to get away from his 'Leave It To Beaver'/uber-religious family. But I know it would be horrible to be alone and a failure at a marriage. Please tell us how you worked it out.

you got yourself into this, it's your party sunshine. You can put on a happy face and have a happy family. My husband killed himself 3 weeks ago and am pregnant, get to live with that forever. Put on your big girl panties. No sympathy

You have to leave him. You deserve better. A hard working women like you should have a hard working and loving husband who's not a kid. Work towards developing your business and make a plan to leave. Move to a big city where your business can grow. Make some sacrifices. You will not regret it. Think of it; do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? And don't even think about suicide! Life is great! You are just stuck in there and that's why you can't see the light. I went thru the same thing and I had no business or skills to survive, I was depending entirely on mu husband. I decided to get a job and save. As soon as I collected enough $ for plane ticket and the down payment for a rental, I left. I got a new job and saved, saved, saved! I worked hard, yes. But I am now happy and in peace. I met a great guy and my own business. You have the power. You just have to DO IT! Go ahead and make a plan, stick to it and you'll be out of that hell very soon. I hope this helps. BEST LUCK TO YOU!

You have to leave him. You deserve better. A hard working women like you should have a hard working and loving husband who's not a kid. Work towards developing your business and make a plan to leave. Move to a big city where your business can grow. Make some sacrifices. You will not regret it. Think of it; do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? And don't even think about suicide! Life is great! You are just stuck in there and that's why you can't see the light. I went thru the same thing and I had no business or skills to survive, I was depending entirely on mu husband. I decided to get a job and save. As soon as I collected enough $ for plane ticket and the down payment for a rental, I left. I got a new job and saved, saved, saved! I worked hard, yes. But I am now happy and in peace. I met a great guy and my own business. You have the power. You just have to DO IT! Go ahead and make a plan, stick to it and you'll be out of that hell very soon. I hope this helps. BEST LUCK TO YOU!

wow you said every thing I was thinking. Id tell my hubby read this. just cuz ya know, the hinting they don't get and all.<br />
mabe he really is in denial and dosent know?

You hate his family and the town you are living in but what is about your husband?? do you love him??? You married him so I assume that there is or was love. In a marriage you go through good and bad times and this one is a very bad time for you, did you talk to your husband about that? Does he know how unhappy you are?? will it be worth it leaving your husband for a reason like that??? Some women leave their men for reason like, cheating, abuse...etc You should talk to you husband and make him understand that you can't life like this and he should support you because I don't think he would want to lose his wife because of his family . Best luck to you .......:)