Post

My Inlaws Are Stingy Misers

I just realized I hate my inlaws.  I've been married almost 6 years.  From the beginning I knew my FIL was a self absorbed ******* and that my MIL was an unemotional clueless aloof doormat, but they can be both generally nice, so whatever they did that pissed me off I would try to forget because my husband is a good guy and father and I did want to cause family drama.

I lost my job in May 2011. I made 2/3's of the annual income and I have two kids under 5.  My severance was running out in November and I had warned my husband that when that happened he would have to make the decision to hit our retirement accounts OR reach out to his father (who has a net worth of about 2 to 5 million dollars with no debt as he constantly reminds everyone) for help on the monthly mortgage beginning in December.

Well, my husband has never used his family connections (his uncle is rich too) to either further his career or for anything else, and this was the first time that he was going to ask his father for anything in his 41 year old life.  My husband is one of two brothers, the other brother I think receives money from time to time, but I can't confirm and in any event my FIL is cheap so it could not have been much money over the years.  In addition, my FIL did not have to pay for my husband's college education because he got a full sports scholarship.

Ok, so my husband asks for the money (5K monthly) for five or six months until I get a job and my FIL proceeds to tell him that the loan will be conditioned on us working with a financial advisor.  I was like "what?"".  How can you condition a loan to your son in these economic times when I lost my job due to no fault of mine?  I complied to be cooperative and because I sincerely appreciated the loan. 

So, these past several weeks we have sent in the last 2 years of tax returns, the home insurance declaration page, pre-job loss and post-job loss cash flow statements, mortgage statements, home tax rates etc.  The financial advisor then tells me that he will need our individual credit reports.  I hit the roof.  Wow. What an obnoxious, invasive request.  What is my FIL, the FBI?  He's worse than a bank.  I was so offended that we are not going down to their home for Christmas (waterfront on a golf course) and am thinking of separating from my husband who always takes their side.  He is not offended and does not see anything wrong with this.

In the course of my marriage and pre-marriage relationship with my husband I have worked fulltime.  Never asked anyone for help.  I help my family, made double what my husband made, own two other properties in conjunction with my siblings and have been independent.  Never asked my inlaws for money.  I paid for most of the wedding.

I don't want to be associated with these people anymore.

Help.
dealingwithmartians dealingwithmartians 41-45 9 Responses Dec 9, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

I have lots of experience will multi millionaire parents who wouldn't even help me out when I started working to see a dentist to get abscesses in my teeth fixes, and it took me 2 years to save the money. I have a good job but we live in the worlds most expensive city, London. We are cramped in a small flat, with think walls to the neighbours and with a baby and my mother just got more than 5 million pounds from selling a house. The idea of helping us with perhaps 3% of her assets would never have even entered her mind.

The reason we're in debt & don't have much savings is because we were way in our 30's when we got married & started a family & as everyone knows, the military pay is not good. We had to raise our kids instead of saving! It's ok, we'll get by without their help, we've done it all this time. They don't even talk to me & I have no idea why except I'm not "good" enough for their son.

I get it! My inlaws are the same way! Plenty of cash, no debt etc... We got married later in life, had 2 kids, we've been married over 25 yrs & they still hate me! My hubby is the only wage earner because I'm ill, he lost his job, we broke down & asked them for help, the answer was no! They sent us $100 of food! How's food gonna help if we lose our house? Thankfully, hubby got a new job but at a lot less salary! We're barely getting by & they said we don't get a penny until they die! What??? If I had that kind of money, I'd wanna see my kids enjoy it! I'd certainly help them out when needed! What's wrong with people? BTW, I've been a good & faithful wife to their son while he served 20+ years in the Navy, practically raised our kids alone, I don't know why they hate me!

I totally feel for you. My in-laws are equally bad if not worse. My husband and I are married almost 4 years and we have a 2 yo little boy. He lost his job a year ago and I have to support the entire family including my mom with just one single income. His parents are very wealthy and they run a chicken farm and a cattle farm.

So instead of looking for a job my husband would go back to the farm on a regular basis to 'help-out' for free! His father has never offered him any money and thinking that we could all live on just fresh air!!!

When my son was born they never came to visit me at the hospital. We always have to take my baby over to their house for their enjoyment. They never wanted to come over to our house to visit their grandson - first grandson and my husband is the only son in the family. Never gave their grandson anything apart from some $2 toys from local K-mart or target.

My husband doesn't really seem to care coz he doesn't want to start any family drama and he always sides with his family. He puts his parents over our child in many situation which I find very annoying.

I have asked him to leave but he just wouldn't go. I have had enough of his crap and decided to separate. He wouldn't go saying he can't go back home blah blah blah. I don't want anything to do with his family and I don't know what to do coz I'm not happy with him anymore.

I feel for you truly, but I personally would rather downsize and even lose the home rather than ask for one cent from my in laws. Mine have lots of wealth too, but I don't want to ever feel like I owe them anything. They are the type that would dangle that over my head especially the we owe them big time.<br />
<br />
Right as I type this my husband and I are turning to getting rid of everything that is not needed in our big home. Paring down to what fits into a 3 bedroom apartment and selling our home. Even if it means taking out a small loan to pay for the loss. I prefer that over asking them for any monies. I know we will be happy as long as we are together and all the stuff doesn't always bring happiness with it.<br />
<br />
I feel that parents should do what is good to help the kids especially if they won't miss the funds, but if they are unwilling or put unrealistic expectations on you then that is their choice.

I feel for you truly, but I personally would rather downsize and even lose the home rather than ask for one cent from my in laws. Mine have lots of wealth too, but I don't want to ever feel like I owe them anything. They are the type that would dangle that over my head especially the we owe them big time.<br />
<br />
Right as I type this my husband and I are turning to getting rid of everything that is not needed in our big home. Paring down to what fits into a 3 bedroom apartment and selling our home. Even if it means taking out a small loan to pay for the loss. I prefer that over asking them for any monies. I know we will be happy as long as we are together and all the stuff doesn't always bring happiness with it.<br />
<br />
I feel that parents should do what is good to help the kids especially if they won't miss the funds, but if they are unwilling or put unrealistic expectations on you then that is their choice.

I feel your pain. Having to ask IL's for anything is the worst feeling ever.

wait a minute?! Just because your IL's are well off doesnt mean they owe you or your husband anything. There are many things you could have done to avoid having to borrow money in the first place. You could have saved for a "rainy" day, put your house on the market and downsized, lived within your means, etc.<br />
<br />
I think that your FIL has every right to ask you for whatever he wants since you are borrowing his money. Punishing your husband because your angry isnt fair. I think you are being selfish.<br />
<br />
Not judging, just sayin'.

You are right, they did not "owe" us anything, but in my opinion, you must do what you can for your family, especially your children and especially if they are hardworking, respectful and good children like my husband has been. I am teaching my children to respect the bonds of family, as I have done throughout my whole life. My inlaws are disgusting and soul-less self-absored people, but karma is a *****. They wasted a valuable opportunity to be self-less and when my children are big enough to understand this they will know what their grandparents did. I have cut them off.

As I read this post I couldn't help but put myself in her, 'dealingwithmartians', shoes. I also tried to put myself in her fil's shoes. If I was worth that amount of money and had a very responsible son(come on...you know if your children are responsible or not), who needed some help getting through a temporary financial tough time(and it wouldn't cause me any financial setback PLUS it's a loan so they are going to pay it back anyhow)...I would feel very selfish for making them do anything more than agreeing to 'our' own verbal terms and sealing the deal with a handshake or a big hug.
But that's just what I would do as his parent.
Not judging, just sayin'.

that is really bad, its terrible but, you are not the only one in that situation with your monsters in law, but since you been helping you husband and he is the man, and we are talking about his parents, he is that one who have to resolve the money situation, because i think that all that drama with credit report is just because they want make you responsible for the money, cause in case that you husband dont pay, you tell me what your in laws can do to you husband, who is their son. send him to jail?. Not .<br />
<br />
So. just let him behave like a man and support his family because you already help him a lot, and gave him two beautiful kids; let him deal with his parents and keep yourself far from those @#$%^&**in laws.