Dead Inside

I'm absolutely numb. Nothing makes me happy, and it feels like nothing ever will. I'm a dead person walking, like a zombie through life, pretending to be like everyone else. When the truth is that I'm a creep, and I don't belong here. I hate my life, and I hate myself. I'll never be good enough and it's just too hard trying. I have to cut just to make myself feel alive. Living is pointless, I'm doomed anyway. I just don't know what I've done to fail so miserably. Why was I even born?
Abbyjo Abbyjo
18-21, F
13 Responses Dec 2, 2011

I think you should know, it sounds like you need to see a Dr. - preferably a psychiatrist. It is very likely you are suffering from major depression at the very minimum, this can be treated much like diabetes can or any other illness. There is also a good chance you may have a disorder of some kind whether it be "Borderline personality' or any other such disorder (It is a common trait among Borderline's). Buy I'm no Dr. and I'm merely speculating so please seek help! You can even check out psych forums about these types of feelings. It may help you if you know you are not alone in feeling this way and there is light at the end of the tunnel. -- You are so young, you can be happy!

Your too young get out there in the world, enjoy the simpler things in life weather it be petting a dog, having a good cup of coffee. Go shopping do something for enjoyment. Maybe you need some help to get past this negativity.

I'm hoping you still feel the dread you did years ago. It's refreshing to see another weakling tell the world the truth.

Surely there's many people who loves you, everybody have somedy around him/her.. If you don't do it for you.. Do it for them

You know working out releases endorphins which is the happy hormone? also, if you workout you reach your fitness goals and you feel better about yourself, the way you look. If you workout and eat healthy you'll nurture your body in the way it was meant to be nurtured and you WILL notice the difference. Did you ever think about that?

thats not true living is really something we must enjoy and for you,whatever the pain you suffer in the past still alot of things is there to see and do so never feel so bad about it and try to start new so you will feel the world is the best place to live...

dont give up. you can get through this. I have been there and felt this before. You just got to get out of this and alive. I know it will be really hard but you can do it. You are still here and there is a reason for that. Everyone deserves life, and that means you too. Something must be making you feel this way, you must find out what it is and find the tools or people you need to help you out of this hole. People can help you and you can help yourself by doing something you love when feeling down, talk to someone when lonely and feeling like this. Someone will be there for you just dont give up

Thank you for your encouragement.

Plus you posted this on my b day lol

I feel the exact same way but I never cut. I'm just now realizing I stood in front of my mirror and like legit went crazy for a second. Like pulled my hair as hard as I could and li was like .. Older when i started doing that. I feel like im literally going crazy when i do thatugh I don't even know. But I just noticed we're in the same age group and your words really hit me. I'm so zombified I can't even make sense when I talk cause I **** up ugh

watch my little pony friendship is magic

Dear Abbyjo...i'm not a therapist but have dealt with a ton of low self-esteem issues my whole life. What has helped me through my journey is taking extremely long walks. May sound too simple - but try walking a mile a day then build up and up until you're walking 6 miles a day. if you have access to a car and drive to some hiking trails - do that also. Again i'm not a therapist - but if you concentrate on yourself and what is going on in hour mind - WHILE WALKING - you will be amazed at how everything seems to open up around you and you begin to notice the beauty in the little things and make a concerted effort to avoid negative energy. This combined with medicine should help. Also, look at your diet - again sounds too simple...but eat live foods to feel alive - not dead foods. You probably need vitamin d. Also, find some positive music that you like and listen to that. The mind/body connection is really intense and both need to be nurtured. I have to walk every day otherwise I would probably be on anti-depressants. I have a high pressure assistant job and sit next to a neurotic person all day. My family is pretty cool -but my mom was not. I do have good friends but rarely do i see them. i live in a town where people aren't friendly and it has been really difficult for me to make any - but at the end of the day I'm more interested in spending time with my own self and interest. Oh, and to add to the recipe above, take up a hobby. Anything - personally I like collectding old stuff and compiling it (grouting it ) to wood or any flat surface. Life is really tragic these days - but that's a result of toxic people in our lives, etc. The natural world is just existing for us to embrace - which is why it's my life force. People? Most of them drive me nuts after so many minutes. Best wishes, D.

I have seen a therapist, and been hospitalized 3 times. I'm afraid if I go back to my therapist she will send me back to the hospital. I don't have anyone else to talk to so I just hold it all inside with no where to go. I don't think it will get better, but thanks anyway.

Have you been reading my journals? Grr...<br />
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No, really.... I've had those exact same feelings. And for awhile I cut myself too. Well, more like scratched very deeply at myself because I'm vain and on the off chance I did start to enjoy my life, I didn't want a ton of scars that reminded me of the pain I had once felt. . It's been four years... and I'm doing a bit better. Well, as good I can be at the moment. Point being: "If you're going through hell, keep going." <br />
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Also, you could try speaking to a therapist. Mine helped a lot. Until my insurance got all ****** up. You could definitely be suffering from depression which is a chemical matter....