Test Passed?

I had a plan to kill myself this weekend if life still sucked. For 2 months I gave stuff away and looked up the best way to do it. I studied the web site with methods and how long it takes. I decided to climb into van with exhaust coming into it.
When the van got fixed,I got it legal also. Figured my family could sell it easier. (thinking back, who wants a van someone died in)
My mood improved because I could get things done with the van. My bf started to complement me and did a few nice things. I started saying no more often and standing up for myself. The plan was coming together.
From there it snowballed, I decided to go out to enjoy life for the last time. People were happy to see me.
I got busy with making money for the gas I would need to create the exhaust. One cleaning job led to another.
Yesterday was supposed to be the big day, I was ready. Then I checked the mail and my official divorce degree was in it. Have to celebrate that before I go, so I put it on hold.
Instead I cleaned a friends house, as I dusted etc I found a few loaded guns. I thought how different things could have been. Is this a test? Am I missing the opportunity to off myself?
I'm happier but the plan is always at the back of my mind.
Badina Badina
46-50, F
3 Responses Jun 24, 2012

Don't ever give up, been there done that, if u ever need someone to talk to i'll talk

Thanks so much for the post. It's nice to know that others are out there.

Got to smile...when you want ,good can come out of bad.Sounds too simple but it's a change in point of view that does it.The way out is always there but we have an appointed time so it's better to try and fix our lives than change that appointment

I think it was the activity, just having a plan and putting it into action. It put me in a better mood, winch made me able to see the good things in my life and things I still want to do.
I see the plan as a thought that helps me survive the bad times. There is another option even if Im pretty sure I won't take it.

You are meant for something so be careful about that option.Look at yourself and think I have blazed a trail through pain and suffering ..there is a reason.So many people can't or think they can't handle what you could.There are map makers in the world...easy.. but to have walked the terrain ....oh these are the folks that we need to hear from

I most certainly will have the tales to tell when I'm old. I love the images your words create. Thanks so much.



I'm a friend and we can talk..

Thanks I think its weird how things work out.