Test Passed?I had a plan to kill myself this weekend if life still sucked. For 2 months I gave stuff away and looked up the best way to do it. I studied the web site with methods and how long it takes. I decided to climb into van with exhaust coming into it.
When the van got fixed,I got it legal also. Figured my family could sell it easier. (thinking back, who wants a van someone died in)
My mood improved because I could get things done with the van. My bf started to complement me and did a few nice things. I started saying no more often and standing up for myself. The plan was coming together.
From there it snowballed, I decided to go out to enjoy life for the last time. People were happy to see me.
I got busy with making money for the gas I would need to create the exhaust. One cleaning job led to another.
Yesterday was supposed to be the big day, I was ready. Then I checked the mail and my official divorce degree was in it. Have to celebrate that before I go, so I put it on hold.
Instead I cleaned a friends house, as I dusted etc I found a few loaded guns. I thought how different things could have been. Is this a test? Am I missing the opportunity to off myself?
I'm happier but the plan is always at the back of my mind.
Badina 46-50, F 3 Responses 0 Jun 24, 2012