I'Ve Been Rejected And I Know Why

I gained weight because of many things, including my autoimmune disease, but the main reason was steroids for 4 years (on and off, mostly on). So, I'm a lard *** at 227 lbs.

This guy likes me, I can tell, but he isn't attracted to me because of my body....I can tell. But then I think that if he really was into me, he wouldn't care? I don't know. The thing is, after spending 3 months together going on road trips, going to several music concerts, going out to eat, chillin and talking for hours, playing games like risk and being nerds together, having sexy fun tiems, debating, joking about, ugh, I feel close to him and realllllly like him. I could see myself falling in love with him. We work so well together as a team and just everything...except.. my body. I hadn't thought about it, it hadn't occurred to me until now. This is the biggest I've been in my life, I'm not used to being fat, so I suppose I just figured I'd be treated the same. What is the big deal? I'm working on it and doing the best I can. BUT NO. NO. The f-cking fact that I 'm fat means I don't get to have fun or date. I'm sad and lonely right now. I can't see someone who is as shallow as him. Maybe I should tell him that. But then I think that I can't bear to lose him as a friend.

Also, now that I'm not bedridden anymore, I'm trying to get back into exercise, but people laugh at me when I jog. I don't care in the moment, but then later I get super angry. I am doing all I can, I am taking care of myself, eating right, and in the process. They don't know anything about not being able to move for months. They don't know what it is like to nearly die. F-ck them.

I try not to let that put me in a bad mood, but I eventually feel worn down. The real friends I have get the worst of my anger. It comes out "sideways" if you know what I mean.
hollowlight hollowlight
2 Responses Feb 8, 2013

A Psalm of Life

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream! —
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, — act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ~