How Do I Find A Purpose In My Life?
Back then when i was a kid i had no problems and mental anguish. I saw the world in the eyes of a child: happy and carefree. I had caring parents and two delightful siblings. Well to sum it up i had a great childhood so to speak and life was good back then. Life in school was good too. I had friends and everything was really working out for me. I had been an achiever. I could not ask for more. what can i say, i was happy. So why am i hating my life right now? let's just say that life that i expected at 22 didn't quite well turned out to be. so your'e maybe wondering why at 22 and that's a very young age to be hating your life right now. You would probably say that there are way much more bigger problems that other people are experiencing right now than this kid and maybe i am just seeking your attention. You would also probably say that whatever problems i have right now can be fixed at a later time and there would plenty of opportunities in the future. well, please don't judge me and i am just hoping that i would have that opportunity. So let's start off: To begin with, back in 4th grade i experienced moderate to severe acne on my face and some parts of my body. i had been the very first kid in our classroom and on other grade levels to having been experienced almost severe acne. i was 10. there comes the regular bullies who would make fun of my face and my emotional quotient. I had been bullied about my face and for other reasons since i can remember. But over the years i have developed some kind of immunity to that. i have blocked my sentiments over it and kept saying to myself that acne is just a one time thing and that it may be here on my high school years or maybe on my college days but it will not stay forever. that made me strong for a short while and i never really cared about the bullying because i know i could show the world that this ugly face right now may just somehow become handsome in the future and that bullying would not be prominent anymore. I was wrong. Back in high school i experienced very severe acne and chicken pox that led to pock marks and deep holes on my face. My self-esteem was down to zero. I never really liked socializing with my peers because they were superficial and all they see in me is my ugly face and now upgraded to deep holes you can shoot golf balls in. Well maybe i am exaggerating a bit but that's how i felt. I realized that although i may never achieve a normal regular face that others wouldn't mind so i quit getting emotional about it and just got on with life because maybe i am here for a purpose. I know i am because i know God made me for a reason. Although i had crushes like that of any other kid in school i never really got to talk to girls very often. every time i talk to a girl i cover my face with my hands pretending i was scratching my forehead so that they wouldn't see how bad my skin was. i never really had a real conversation with a girl. i was a loner and still is. I never had the courage to. When i was in Senior high i found out that my dad had cancer. i felt terrible. He had just retired. He spent almost 3/4s of his retirement money for surgery and chemo. I was going to college and felt that why would i go to college when we don't have the money to further my studies. But i still did with the help of some of the retirement money my dad had. Each and every day i think about my dad. He was my hero. He had always been there since day one. it tortured my mind having thought about the possibility of death. four years later my dad died due to multiple organ failure. He was my life and it was taken away. It felt unbearable it broke my heart. After that i continued with my life and i graduated from college. i felt full of hopes and new opportunities. I was ecstatic. Right now i am still not able to find a job and have trouble committing into an intimate relationship with another person because i don't feel confident at all with what i have. I have never really experienced any sort of romantic relationship with a girl. Well, there was this one time i confessed my feelings to a girl but she laughed and turned me down that easily. Ever since i was never the same. I don't go outside too often nowadays. Every time i meet people i have the fear of getting rejected and i feel that they are setting me to some kind of pedestal. I have never had a very good sense of humor. i find conversations intimidating since i never talk too much. I see everybody in and out of relationships and i cry myself to sleep not even having to experience one. By the way i also have vocal and facial tourettes syndrome since i can remember and it gets worse as time ages with it. People find me very weird every time they meet me on the streets and even my relatives would tell me to stop it. I can't help it, the more anxious i am the more it explodes to heavier levels. I had been bullied for this ever since. I just hope that God would take this one part of my life, just this because i am not able to realize my fullest potentials with this Tourettes syndrome barring in the way. I do not fully hate life. It has its ups and downs but i still hope ill have a chance at a silver lining. I had one great depression when i applied for a job overseas and i thought i landed on my dreams. Everything was turning out very well. I was just waiting for the go signal of the embassy to release the working visa and a schedule of the employer for my medical examination. After several months i was phoned that the position i applied for was filled in and i thought i was good as hired. My entire world tore into pieces. It was the only thing going on well with my life right now. I was heavily depressed for a certain amount of time. I was not able to perform my regular activities of living. I smelled like crap. I considered some suicidal thoughts in my mind but i realized the pain and suffering i would be giving to my mum and family. Suicidal thoughts for what? A ****** dream job? oh come on i realized now that dream job was overrated. Ruin my life and my family's for one lousy dream job? I don't think so. I know nothing's going on with my life right now. i have no job, girlfriend, money, and self-esteem but i know i got my family and they are the only thing that has meaning in my life right now. You know what? Acne and Tourettes go **** yourself. I am done with you. I am gonna show the world that i am capable of anything. I know more trials and hardships would come along the way but maybe that's just life and i know life isn't fair because nothing's really fair at all when you see that other people are being handed easily with certain luxuries and superficial looks while others work very hard and die in vain trying to achieve their pursuit of happiness and still don't even get to realize them. Some people get what they want and some just don't. Its the way of the world. People say maybe you just weren't trying hard enough to get what you want or where you want to be but what if it just wasn't for you in the first place and you were forcing something that wasn't meant to be? Maybe someday when i am old and gray i would be laughing at this animosity of my life because maybe its through this parts and uncertainties that we learn the meaning of what we call LIFE. It's going to be a tough journey but it's worth a try. In this lifetime we are only going to live once and once is enough if we do it right even if we are handed with the unruliest situations from the start. We never chose where we came from or what we have from the start but we can always choose what we are going to be in our future. Our future does not only lie upon us, we are our future's holder.