I'm Not Done Grieving, Yet.

I hate my life right now: Everyone says, "better 38 than 48".  

I spent 25 yrs being part of a religious community that I didn't belong in and had no interest in joining other than out of fear, and 20 yrs in a marriage to man who I never should have married (and sure as hell should have never married me).  

I finally left and am in the process of getting a divorce and while we have joint custody of our 4 teenage children, the reality is they live with my ex 99.9%of the time.  

The thing is, I had my children because that is what I was expected to do, not out of some burning desire to be a mother - what the hell did I know about being a mother??!!!  Spending time with them is a burden to me now.  The times I have them, I count the minutes until I take them home.  Come up with excuses for why I have to leave early.  I love them but I wish I never had them.  There. I said it.  I wish I never had children, let alone got married to super-jew. 

Now I have to remake my life from scratch.  My taste, my needs, my wants etc. I'm just not sure if I'm up to the task and there are times  when I despair....  I want to remake my life but am just not sure that I will be able to do it here near my children.   

I've moved into a new apartment and am having a hard time getting things in order because I have to make decisions about furniture that I like - not anyone else.  I've never done that.  How do people do it?

thewife2009 thewife2009
36-40, F
1 Response Sep 22, 2009

talk to me !