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Life Of A Different 22-year Old

Dear reader,

I am a 22 years old guy, and I am currently studying my last year in hotel management. I hate my life because I feel like I don't fit in at all.

Everything I do, I don't do well. I've travelled and worked in many different countries and places. I get to meet lots of people during work. However, I cannot feel more lonely than I do right now.

The truth is that I cannot communicate well with people, and I don't talk much at all. I am quite nervous and awkward most of the times. People sometimes say I look sad. I haven't had a girlfriend in almost two years. I went through a complicated triangle-drama, and I guess it affected me deeper than I thought.

Maybe sometimes I am sad and serious because of what I've gone through.

I was born in Sweden, but my parents are immigrants from a different country far away. My father left for work to his home-country when I was 2 months old, but my parents were never divorced. He came back once a year, and me, my little sister and mother would visit him during summerbreaks. All children thought my parents were divorced, but they never were, and I never thought it was anything weird about that. My childhood was a very happy time even though my father was away most of the time.

When I was growing older my father got a stroke. He came home, but he was depressed. He took it out on the family. That is why my high school years were quite dark, and I kind of slept all the way through those years.

As I grew even older, around 20s I started to blame people in my closer surroundings. I felt that me, my mother and my littlesister were all alone in the world. My immigrant mother, who doesn't even speak proper Swedish had to take care of me and my littlesister all by herself, while my father worked abroad. We had relatives, but nobody would help her, and instead they looked down on us. My mother use to have nightmares at least once a week. She was all alone in the world, but she kept strong all until today.

I developed an inner rage that became deeply hidden in myself. I am usually in a good mood and polite to everyone, but sometimes this deep rage sips out. I don't think anyone really knows how I feel. Not even my closest friends.

Success is a must. I got to show everyone how great I am. Gotta show all those people who looked down on me that I am much better than them. However, I find it hard, since I never had a father figure or masculine figure. During my whole life I had my mother, my little sister, my two aunts, and my homosexual uncle. That is why most people see me as very calm, understanding, and feminine. I never get the respect I deserve.

I am studying in one of the most famous hotel schools of the world, with borrowed money. A couple of weeks ago my mother sold our Volvo. We could no longer afford it. Everyday I have to compete with students from wealthy families, that got everything served to them.

So basically, I hate my life sometimes, because I never had anyone guiding me through life. Most things I had to learn by myself, by carefully trying out different paths. And I feel like I don't belong anywhere, since I don't look like other Swedes, since I am not Swedish by blood, and at the same time I have nothing in common with my by-blood-country-men. I also hate my life because I still cannot find long lasting love. 

 

Thank you all who took time to read my story. I know it's alot of text, and maybe not that exiting. I can only be grateful for everyone who actually reads this.

 

Yours sincerely

Anonymous

Montire Montire 22-25 Nov 13, 2009

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