There Is No Up Side.

Its not that im depressed or anything, maybe it IS that too, but from a purely objective standpoint, it isn't that great.


-Im crazy about a girl who doesn't feel the same way, and im finding it harder and harder to find excuses to spend time with her (without James).

-She has recently made a new friend (James), who comes along wherever she goes, and constantly talks to her about music, meaning i cant even get a word in (i dont know that much about music, and he knows it) its like he is trying to get rid of me.

-I was recently reminded of my failure to talk a friend out of a suicide attempt (she survived, but only because she was found before it was too late) when another friend of an mine managed to talk his friend out of an attempt in pretty much the same situation only highlighting my failure.

-My best friend of 9 years dropped dead with no warning and no real cause a week before my last birthday

-So many of my friends were acting like disrespectful idiots at the wake that I pretty much dropped the lot of them, meaning i have about 5 friends left, at all.

-My family is a mess, my mum is addicted to computer games and barely looks up from her computer, my dad is at breaking point and occasionally lashes out violently, my brother is spends all his time in his room, and my sister has nothing but contempt for my dad.

-Im barely managing to hold on to my university degree, at this rate it will take a miracle just to pass.

-All my life's goals have gone unfulfilled so far

-My lecturers are idiots, I can learn more from a you tube video than i do from a year of lectures.

-I am beginning to put on weight, no matter what i eat i cant stop it, and i cant exercise because just walking up the stairs will bump my heart rate over 150 and put me out of breath, last time i went cycling my heart shot up over 200 and i could barely breath, my body is perfectly capable of exercising, but my heart just goes insane. (i was actually in pretty good shape before the heart trouble)

-Pretty much everything i own is at that point where it will need to be replaced soon, clothes, computer (a 2 and a half year old laptop) television, and i cant afford to replace any of them. (there isnt an upside to this, since my laptop is too old to do anything good, and my tele doesn't really work any more)

-I can't enjoy anything i used to any more, i just don't see the point.

-Nothing i do seems to matter at all, wherever i am, the situation would be unchanged or improved if i wasn't there.

Its like my life, which was pretty good just all fell apart overnight, i have no idea how it suddenly all got so bad.
djpanda djpanda
18-21, M
2 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Firstly, its not days, just to prove to myself im not blowing this out of proportion, i started keeping a mood diary, im consistently sad at least 3/4 of the time and though the diary hasn't been going very long, i have been feeling like this for months.<br />
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Also, its not the bad, ob<x>jectively there is more bad than you would expect a 20 year old to be dealing with, but its not that, its that there isn't really any good. i could probably cope better with the down side if there was an upside to make the down worth suffering through.

I think your perspective on life changed, your life may not have changed that much. Just try to be optomistic. Focus your energy on getting your university degree, and prioretize what's important. Once you have enough cash, get yourself an affordable laptop. The tv can probably wait a little longer. Many people watch stuff on their laptops nowadays anyway. I'm not sure, just get whichever you think you need more, and take things one step at a time. Everyone has problems, and it's hard to fix everything in one go, but start with the small stuff and work your way up. Most people have days where things just seem bad, but it will pass, just try to stay positive.