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As I Crumble Away.....

I know people have had harder lives than me and I feel as if I am a small child crying about how i dropped a piece of my favorite candy in a puddle of mud. I have never made a post on a website about my petty problems but I feel overwhelmed and so I am trying to rid myself of my burden. I am sorry for any grammar problems and/or misspellings. I am a 19 year old male college student for the moment.That dream is over in a few days. "Why?" You ask. Because throughout the first part of the semester I pursued a girl who I was in love with or as some would say "Infatuated with" I tried extremely hard to date her. I guess I should start at how I met her. I was at subway on campus when I bumped into a friend I had met from over the summer and he was friends with this girl. So I was talking to him and she just blurts out that she likes my shirt. It was a band t-shirt of Bullet for my Valentine. And so I started talking to her and so I invited her to go to the comic book store with me later if she wanted to. She said yeah and then we parted ways. I realized all to late that I forgot to ask for her number but luckily our mutual friend had it so i got it from him and texted her but she was busy so we didn't go to the store together. We hung out later that night and I asked her questions and I talked about me and I realized I kinda liked her. so for about a month I invited her out to eat and blew what little money I did have on her. I also got close to dating her and then the next day she got a bf. they broke up and I was there for even then. Then soon after that we dated for a total of two days she said how could she be happy with me if she wasn't happy with herself. so there I was crushed and alone and I did something I had never did before I broke my straight edge lifestyle and smoked weed with a now ex friend. I haven't smoked since that day. I started to live more reckless I stayed for a couple days at a time I started drinking 5 to 8 energy drinks a day and then my friend got sick. He got mono and had to leave soon after I caught mono and I had no energy to go to class and to barely go to lunch or dinner I stayed in my dorm and ate what food i had. Some days I slept 16 to 19 hours. finally my mother made me go to the clinic on campus which was only a few minutes from my dorm but with the lack of energy i had it seemed like miles away and to make it worse my dorm was on the 5th floor of my hall and some imbecil broke the elevator. I later found out I had mono and I was going to apply for sick leave so I would not flunk out but I waited awhile so I could stay on campus because while i was on campus my mother and grandmother got in an argument and kicked me and my mother out. so I would have to move in with my grandfather who lived in a wooded area with no internet cell service and barely any TV and I have grown attach to those things. so i waited until the last day to apply and I over slept from being sick so here i am a failure to my family the only person to go to college in my family and I haven't told them yet I was the one who was suppose to be the success so I am depressed because I failed them I also have had other problems in the past that keep floating into my head. But in a few days I plan on killing myself because I feel so overwhelmed and feel I have no future.
skelos777 skelos777 18-21, M 8 Responses Dec 12, 2012

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It may seem like the thing to do in the moment and because you're life is taking a turn for the worse but.. you can re - enrol or choose other units, life goes on, please do not go against God by taking your life. Lots a- LOVE. Message or talk to me anytime you feel the need etc. Cheer up babe. MUAH

If you want to talk I'm here trust I'm a good listener please don't kill your self life too short have fun but not fun as in doing stupid things but stay strong you will get through this and the girl that you liked **** her don't waste your time on a girl like that

do not kill yourself! i have had 4 suiside attemps and i know what your going through!! if you want to talk just message me im here for ya bud just dont do anything dumb:/

Hey dude, I kno it's overwhelming and hard to understand the tuff times in our lives, but these things only come to make us strong, and to build wisdom. Your young and I'm 32, your a attractive dude, pick yourself up, u have alot to live for..if ur a christian, kno that the devil comes to kill, steal and destroy..don't let him, its only a test, pass it, smoke ya weed, cuz I do, and go for the chicks that go for u, that'll keep rejection down, or focus on ur dreams, i do...I hope this helps bro, be easy...if u want love stop lookin cuz it'll find u..love u bro

Hey dude, I kno it's overwhelming and hard to understand the tuff times in our lives, but these things only come to make us strong, and to build wisdom. Your young and I'm 32, your a attractive dude, pick yourself up, u have alot to live for..if ur a christian, kno that the devil comes to kill, steal and destroy..don't let him, its only a test, pass it, smoke ya weed, cuz I do, and go for the chicks that go for u, that'll keep rejection down, or focus on ur dreams, i do...I hope this helps bro, be easy...if u want love stop lookin cuz it'll find u..love u bro

Hi skelos777.



Please excuse my username. I chose "Scheeze" because every name I typed in was taken. And, I got a bit irritated, haha.



I was on this site reading the stories of people who have multiple sclerosis. No, I don't have the disease, but my husband was diagnosed recently, and although I hold out hope of a remission for him, I often lay awake, afraid and worrying over all the things this disease may cause in our life.We're in our fifties, but, sweetheart, it seems like yesterday we were just your age. Truly it does. And, yes, we were together back then. We met when we were just 15 and 16.



Some days, I too, just want to give up. I've had many days like that over the many years of my life. I won't lie. Life can be very hard. But, life can also be very beautiful. Very. Good and bad are always battling in our lives and we learn to fight or we go down.I want you to fight. I want you to live. I really, really want you to live, which is why I'm sitting here first thing in the morning, freezing at my computer with tears in my eyes.



There is a young woman waiting for you. I don't know who she is, but I know she is there. And she will love you as you should be loved, with all her heart and soul and mind. She will be your best friend as well as your lover. You will know and experience love, but you must be patient. There is a time for everything.



This is a time of great frustration, you're being sorely tested, but I want you to stay in the game and fight. I know you're tired, but you can do this.



The way I have loved my husband all these years and will continue to love him no matter what befalls him--this is the love you will find if you are patient.



And, again, I will be honest. To die now, intentionally, will be to inflict untold grief on the others in your life who love you. Committing suicide may seem an easy out, but, honey, it is a very, very selfish act. Please don't do that to the others in your life. Pull out of "self" for just a minute and reflect on how your mom will feel to lose you.



I also DO NOT believe that just because we die it is over. I have so many reasons for believing this and you will discover them for yourself as time goes on. People of this day have lost touch with what is really important, and we don't show our children or grandchildren the way to survive.



Your problems seem very inflated to you, but your age is sooo on your side. You have time. And, time can do so much! Things are guaranteed to change and if you seek the good, it will come to you. Yes, life will still be hard, but (and I know maybe I'm thinking in directions that might be foreign to you) think of the joys you will miss if you check out now: the love of a woman who adores you; holding your first child and looking into those innocent eyes; building a life together; being a father, and someday a grandfather. I can tell you that being a grandparent is much different than being a parent, and someday you will know exactly what I mean.



There is so much for you to learn here, and this hardship you face now is one of those things. This hardship and sorrow you feel will be a part of you and will make you more compassionate with others that are hurting, and you will help them from that perspective---you've been there!This world needs a lot more compassion. A lot more love. A lot more faith in the things that really matter.



Let's look at what is troubling you.First, the girl. "How can I be happy with you if I'm not happy with myself?" There's a lot of truth in that statement. We need to learn to love ourselves, to find our way, to be sympathetic with who we really are in this world. We need to free ourselves to be true to ourselves before we can love others. Love in its highest form is sacrifice. It's loving because we see need. And there is so much need in this world. How can we love others before we nurture a love for our self? This girl may seriously need time to grow and find herself. Or, she may have been letting you down easy--in which case, she is not THE ONE. You want to be patient and find the right girl--your forever mate. And someone is waiting. Don't leave her.



Second, the slip from your "staight-edge lifestyle": You know you can get back on track. You need to take care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Give yourself a break. All those energy drinks screw with your metabolism. You need balance in your life. Good food, proper rest, a balance between work and play. You need faith.



Third, the mono. I do feel for you. My husband had mono shortly after we met. It was agony being apart until he recovered (our love was very new, very hot, and we wanted to be together every minute of every day) and he told me that was the sickest he'd ever been. I think this MS thing he's dealing with now at 52 probably equates, but, yes, he was very sick and felt horrible. So, having just had mono--of course you are down! Your body's been through hell and it will be awhile before your energy returns. But you're young and it will! You're strong and able. It will all come back physically.



Fourth, school. Have you spoken to whoever the authorities are concerning missing your chance to apply for next semester? Tell them how sick you were. Maybe you'll get in? I don't know a lot about college--never went--but perhaps they'll understand if you explain. If not, as FromWith1n said--"School can always wait." Again, time is on your side. Go back when you can go back. Take the time to study on your own or to explore career options and what you might want to do most (if you don't already know).



As for living with your grandfather in a wooded area . . . Well, if I could, I'd live smack dab in the middle of the woods. I love hiking and I love the woods. My husband and I always went hiking together all those years. I suppose this is another one of those things his disease is attempting to steal from us; he's having so much difficulty walking because of the MS. And, I know how we get hooked on internet and TV, but you seem to be a decent writer so I assume (maybe?) you're a reader, too? There are so many great books. And, well, I know it sounds flippant, but there was life before the internet, haha. And, maybe there's a McDonalds in town or a library you could visit if you need a net-fix? And, I don't know what your relationship is with your grandfather, but I know how very much my husband loves our 14-year old grandson. He can never have enough time with him!



Bottom line! You are NOT a failure! You are just starting out and I know it feels overwhelming and I know you think it will never get better and I know you wonder what on earth is your direction now . . . but you will figure these things out and life will open up again and that darkness that is trying to consume you is exactly what you must fight. Don't let it win. Look for the light that is looking for you and you will find it. You will be strong and you will find hope and you will find love and you will live and learn and grow and you will survive this adventure called "life", even if it kills you. (Haha, sorry, that was my attempt at a joke.) But, levity aside, love is what makes life worth living and you will find it. Be patient. And, meanwhile, remember that love isn't just what we find--it's what we GIVE. You have years and years to give out love and make this world a better place. Make that your #1 goal, okay?



So, "On your feet, Soldier!" and carry on!That's what I tell myself every morning, no matter how this world and circumstance gets me down. And, yes, sometimes it is very hard. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, you, too, can overcome the world. Be strong, be brave, and remember--some hot girl is waiting to love all over you, haha.



Now, remember everything I've told you, and someday, when you're sitting on your deck with your beautiful wife, watching your children play in the yard, loving them with all your heart even though they drive you mad--you'll hear me whisper on the wind . . . "I told you so."



Please fight, please be patient, please embrace the gift of all those years ahead of you. There is so much you will never know if you leave now. You have so much to learn and not just "school." Believe it or not, both the good and the bad help us to become. Be good to yourself. Heal. You can do this.



Please live. No crumbling away, okay?



Much, much love your way.



Agape.

If (besides killing yourself) you could change one thing in your life right now what would it be? Don't look at the bigger picture, its too vast and unattainable. Remember this:

The future and the past don't exist. Only now exists. Do that one thing that will make now bearable. once you have done that, move on to the next thing you want to change. Don't think about things that haven't happened, don't dwell on things you can't change.

Live for now. If that means just getting out of bed and eating, thats what you need. If it means just talking to someone, then thats what you need.

Do what is right for you... no one else can fix you, but you.

Please don't do anything silly

oh hun big hugs let me tell you takeing your own life is not the way your family will understand i have tried to kill myself 2 times and the last time i almost made it if you need a friend i am here for you big hugs

I don't need them to understand I just feel as if I am a burden to everybody. When I try to imagine a future for myself it is blank I don't see hopes or success I see the lack of a future.

i have been there and believe me there is a future for you it may not seem like it right now but there is we all screw up in our lives but there is more out there if i had succeded in killing myself i would never have met my wonderful husband of 16 years and met my 8 grandchildren

But I am tired of screwing up.

i know that feeling hun have you talked to your guidence counceler

NO.

you can probably fix this it can be worked out

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