I Hate My Life
Someone comes up to me and asks me, "how can you function, on all the medication you are taking?" I tell them, I can only to as much as my body lets me do, somedays I over do it and then I pay for it later. There are many days that I don't wanna leave my apartment because my body hurts too much or I have an incredibly bad migraine (which can knock me down n out), but I get up any way and get myself ready for work and take it all on. I can't let my lupus, RA and migraines (along with a few other medical problems) take my life over and break me down to the point of not being able to work. Yes, I struggle most days, I'm in pain 80% of the time, but I take my meds and continue on with my day, and if it gets worse throughout the day, then I end up taking more meds. I have come close to o-ding so many times its not even funny, to just get rid of the pain and to get some sleep. I have gone many days in a row with only 2 hrs of sleep each night, I'm usally in to much pain to sleep through the night, even though I'm on a few different types of sleeping agents (some of which are pretty strong).
They say God knows how much one person can take physicaly when it comes to burden and pain. I belive that I have become a much stronger person because of all my medical problems. Although if it wasn't for my family and friends for support, I don't know if I could have made it through all that I have been through the past few years. It has been one hell of a bumpy road for me, but with the power of god, family & friends I am a survivor. I don't know how much more I can take how ever, it is starting to get to me. I know that my organs can't be that great any more and my nervous system is getting worse. I pretty much shake all of the time now, which is anoying as hell, especially when I'm trying to write, eat or even drink something.
I will not let this get the better of me. I will continue on as long as I can, before I throw in the towel and say ok, I give up. That will be a very sad day for me, because I know I'm a strong person (inside and out) and pretty damn stubron too, I don't like to take no for an answer. I am a hard worker and I don't give up or in easily, I may be in pain when I'm at work and everyone knows it, but I will get my job done, one way or another. I'm not afraied to ask for help, but am to proud to do so.
I feel that I have become weak or so called *****, I can loose my temper so much more easily now or someone may say something to me and I will start to cry. My emotional leveal has changed in a huge way over the past 15 months. All do to all the medicaions that I'm on, in a day I can take any where from 8 to 21 pills/shots in one day, just depends on my migraines that day, hell probably more than that even, I loose track after a while. I do take a hand full of pills in the morning and at night everyday though. Never have much of an appite, so I don't eat much, but do eat inorder to take the meds.
I would like to get help some how, have someone to talk to about all this, its starting to get to me. There are so many people out there that don't understand what I'm going through or don't wanna hear about it. Which is fine but not fine all at the same time, I have mixed feelings twards all this. I know I should be seein a Psychiatrist for this, but really can't affored to go see one right now, let alone try to pay off two hospital stay bills along with all my other bills. Its all adding up so fast, I don't know if I will be able to keep strong much longer or if I will just give in. I'm to proud to try and get help from the state, its not who I am, I have a full time job that I love very much, but I can't manage all the bills that are comming in. I just wish there was a simple way out of all this, that wouldn't affect anyone, including myself.
If anyone has any sugestions please don't be affraid to share, I'm in deep depression here and need a way to find my way out. Without hurting myself or anyone else. I'm scared to even get in my car and go to work some days for fear of what might happen. I try to not let others see the pain inside of me, but I can't hide it anymore, the tears don't stay hidden any more, they come out regardless.
So this is how I now function....some days I'm so doped up on meds that I don't know how I make it through the day, but I do. Its become a part of me, its who I am now, its how I will live my life from now on.
Cindy
