The Reasons Why I Hate My Life

I am a fifteen year old girl, a sophomore in high school, and I already want life to just end. These are the reasons why...

 

1. I Hate My Home Life

My family. Oh lord, don't get me started. I was born and raised in NJ, where my big ole' Italian/Polish family lives. I can always remember a happy childhood, all up until about third grade, that's when everything started to become sour. My mother has and always will be my worst problem. It is almost impossible to explain her, as I can barely understand her after fifteen years of living with her. But starting at about this time (third grade) she started becoming unhappy. It started with little things. She was unhappy with the weight she had put on in the past few years, she was unhappy with the neighbors, she was unhappy with nothing to do at home while I was at school (since she had given up her job to 'raise me'). This is about when my parents' arguements became very regular. I remember, even at this age, that I would often sit in my room and play or read by myself, listening to my parents scream at each other. Having no siblings I learned very quickly how to pass the time with myself.

My mother had always had a very short fuse. I think to fully explain what I have to deal with I have to tell you her story, it's not all her fault. Her father beat her as a child, was in the mafia in New York City, was a drunk, and was bipolar. She grew up in a small apartment with her two sisters. It is hard to beleive they are even related though. One is a very materialistic snob who only cares about money and power, one is a lesbian who only cares about sports and her long time girlfriend and loves her job as a postal worker, and then there's my mother, I don't even know how to explain her shortly. My mother was a cheerleader, track star, homecoming queen, and always the object of everyone's eye. She was very naive as a teen and she liked being happy and always tells me she can't remember having any enemies. She was a good singer too. She got the lead in the musical as a Freshman, in New York City mind you, and went on to be the singer in a band that opened for Bruce Springsteen later on. She was the second best in her class and found a way to pay to put herself through Rutgers University. She immediately got a job as an engineer in AT&T and started rising in the ranks... from the typing pool to being in charge of all the engineers. She was very good at anything she tried. Then she met my dad. She fell for him and marriage was next. They were very happy and loved each other very much. Then mom got pregnant and after six months, mom had a miscarriage. It was a devastating blow, but they decided to try again. And then I came, a little, ginger baby. Everything was going great for the family. Mom still went to work and was working on software to help with spacecrafts, it was pretty big ****. I would stay with my grandma while she was at work everyday, but then my grandma said something to my mother that changed all of our lives forever... "I wonder if she's going to walk today." Mom says that was the moment she decided to quit her career and raise me. So you can only imagine... what kind of deep regret she feels now, a simple stay-at-home, 250 lb, unhappy mother wasn't what she had in mind. And of course, I am the mistake that caused her to quit that job of hers in the first place.

My mother has always loved her mother. So when we moved to TN, 13 hours away from home, when I was in 5th grade, she started to hate her life even more. Now not only was she overweight and jobless, but she was hundreds of miles away from her friends and family. She immediately started to hate everything about TN. She didn't even give it a chance. It was just that anyone that looked in her general direction was a ***** or a snob and all of "these people" were monsters and southern bigots. These opinions have carried to the present and I get to hear about "these people" on a daily basis. My mother hates all of my four friends here and always manages to see the worst in everything. Now that I'm in high school she also finds a way to fit in my grades and my future into things to get angry about everyday. Now that she is so unhappy she can't see the bright side in anything. She only talks about the past fondly on ocassion and tries to make everyone pity her and feel guilty. And I love her to death.. really I do... I can't help it... but she is driving me up the ******* wall.

Everyday, every ******* morning, I wake up and she screams about how much of a pig I am, how I never help her, how I'm a horrible student. I go to school and have another long day pass by with classes I hate and teachers I hate and three people I really care about and the rest are fake, materialistic *******. I fake smiles the whole day through, man I have gotten good at that. No one has ever been able to tell there's anything wrong with me or that I'm really depressed. I am able to go to school, wishing I were dead, and have people compliment me with how happy I always am. People have nicknamed me smiley because other than when people offend my friends (man I can be scary) I am always the friendliest person you will ever see. I do this because... well... I'll get to me in section 2... But after school has ended I sit and wait for up to two hours for my mother to come pick me up. Yes, I am the last person on campus not in a sport or club... You see, my mother is too busy to come on time because she is either, sleeping on the couch, playing video games on her computer, or writing hate mail to someone. Yes, she is much too busy for me. And as soon as I get in the car I get to hear all about how horrible me and the rest of the world is. My mom doesn't ever call me smiley... She gets angry at me for any reason you could possibly think of, sometimes it's for not helping her around the house enough (I clean the house around her while she sits on the couch watching American Idol), sometimes it's my grades (****... I got all A's... but that C in Chemistry!!!), sometimes it's because she hates my friends (two honors students, a lazy, comedic, loving girl, and the sweetest most gentle girl you will ever meet), and then we get to a bunch of reasons for when she's covered everything else, like not being happy enough to see her or not putting my school book away before I left the house or not plugging the printer back into the computer the night before. And it's impossible to have a conversation with her, she just talks at you. If you try to get a word in, it doesn't matter, she just screams at you for trying to contribute and continues. And like many women, she thinks she's right in everything and will not accept that anything she says is wrong. Oh! And when she's done yelling at me for how horrible I am, she starts screaming about how horrible everyone else is. This goes on for about two to three hours after school... every. day. Then on weekends she expects us to bond and to have fun together. She takes me to movies and tries to hang out with me because she has nothing else to do... because I totally want to bond with her after the hell she's put me through all week. And god forbid I want to hang out with someone else! She will stop talking to me, trying to make me feel guilty about how I'm leaving her alone... of course dad'll be there... but he apparently doesn't count. God, does he try to make her happy. He rescently worked extra hours and everything to get us to all go to England this summer, mom loves to travel. But now mom's only more unhappy because she hates that she can't feel pretty on the trip or be fit while we travel around the English country. He tries to get close to her again, but she just pushes him away and drowns herself in self pity.

I worry about her every day of my life. She tells me and makes me promise not to tell anyone else how she's been considering suicide and hates life and how she can't be happy. I want to get her help, but I know that she won't accept it. She's much too stubborn and too insecure about herself. I'm afraid to go away to college, fearing what she will do, but I also know that I can't lose my own future because of her... well my future will be discussed in section 3. Hahaha. I always forget that that's screwed too.

And I really am not doing my mother any justice. I don't think I can shortly explain how much pain, hurt, and suffering my mother has put me through. She blames me for ruining her life, but will never admit it. She makes me miserable.. but I still love her. It's hell. She is completely self-centered and has verbally abused me everyday since fifth grade.

 

2. I Hate Myself

I was born with one hell of a curse. Maturity and Empathy.

Maturity.

Ever since I was little I have been "shy" and my mother has always screamed at me why I don't just "******* talk to people." Well it's because for my whole life I have over thought every scenario I am ever faced with. When I was in Kindergarten I sat by myself in the corner for the first day, just observing every other person play and laugh. I was too busy seeing which kids seemed like nice people and then when I determined who they were I couldn't decide how I should introduce myself. My first friend was ... since this is anonymous let's call him... Sam... Well Sam was and always has been my light in the darkness. He's had plenty of problems of his own, but ever since he came up to me on that first day of Kindergarten my life has been changed. He just manages to ... I don't even know... he's just... perfect for me. And don't you go thinking he's the love of my life or anything. Yes, he's my soul mate, but we'll never be more than intimate, best friends. When I moved away from him it was like tearing away half of my heart. Being able to call him once a month and see him for a week each summer is not enough for me. I don't know about him, but I can't take it. Yes, I do love the three good friends I've made here, but I am nothing without Sam. When I was ready to kill myself in 6th grade, a year and a half after moving, having absolutely no friends, and going through my awkward, fat years, I hated life (ha! just like now!) and he talked me out of offing myself with sleeping pills. That one boy is the only reason I lived. The only reason I'm here now. The only true, happy love that's left in my heart belongs to him. I just don't know if I can live for that one purpose anymore. Back to my maturity. I overthink EVERYTHING. I had a horrible home life but at least I had a lot of good friends in NJ that I had grown up with and that cared about me, but when I moved to TN, cliques had already been formed and I was the new ugly shy girl. I was outcasted and made fun of all middle school. I had one friend. One. She is still one of those three good friends I have now. She had more friends than just me, people she had known all her life, but she took the time to get to know me and to give me a chance. Of course, she didn't give me this chance until 7th grade... but she's had issues all of her own and I won't blame her. My four years at that hell hole of a middle school really hurt me. I now have plenty of trust issues and it made me get even worse about overthinking things. I thought there was something wrong with me. Something had to be. Why else would NO ONE like me? Sure it was super christian, rich, small (55 in the grade) school, but noone?  really?! It was harsh on a girl going through what was tough years for everyone. I was discriminated against by my teachers as well for being 1. from the north and 2. for being Catholic (and in their eyes, not a "real" Christian). Once again. Be it not for Sam (and fear that my mother would die as well) I woulnd't have survived (literally) through middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL. For high school my parents finally got me out of that *** school and put me in the only co-ed Catholic High School in the area. I still had a weird vibe, shyness, and a little bit of good ole' chub at the beginning of high school and was immediately recognized as a "loser" by the major population. But, I was given a new chance... I started hanging with other rejects and most of them were just weird. I was never mental, there is nothing wrong with my perception of things or how I interact with other people once they give me a chance. The fact of the matter is people determine whether they want to talk to you in the first seven seconds that they see you. That's not much of a chance for a fat, ginger, shy kid. But, eventually the chub fell off and I started to get to know some more people like me. Finally I was getting back on track and now as a sophomore I don't give a **** what anyone thinks of me and my shyness is starting to fall away, but I can't help it that I overthink things... that will always be there. Damn I just rambeled off into oblivion. Sorry about that. I'm sort of venting if you coulnd't tell. haha.

As far as empathy goes... I don't know how, but I can see right through people. I can understand and relate to everyone's problems. I am always the one people come to with their problems for some reason. I'm not exaggerating either, you may be thinking 'yeah right, I help my friends with their problems too, this girl's an idiot.' But this is not the case. I could support my case... but I'd rather not. You can beleive me or not, I don't give a ****, but what I know is that I can sense what others can't. I can tell who's been hurt, who's been sad, who's got a secret, even when their closest friends can't tell there's anything wrong. I can also tell who's lying and who's not. I can just read people and their expressions like a book. Maybe I just pay closer attention to these details that others ignore... I don't know. All I know is it sucks. It just makes life worse. Yes, I can help people I know are hurting when others don't and I have in the past... it's the lying thing that can be painful. You'd be surprised how often you get lied to...

Anyways... What I hate about myself...

I hate that I'm so ******* ugly. I really am. It's gross.

I hate that I overthink everything.

I hate that I can't do better in school even though I know I could if I really tried.

I hate that I don't care about others more than myself.

I hate that I can't open up to people or trust them and always have to put on a front that isn't me.

I hate that I get hurt so damn much.

I hate that I'm such a weak person.

I hate... the lack of something good. I can't find anything I'm exceptional in...

I hate that I am very manipulative and have my own objectives... I'm kind of a ***** even though no one would know.

...I just... hate me.

 

3. I Don't Have a Future

For my whole life I've just wanted to be a writer... and lately I just want to be a movie screenwriter and director. It's truly my calling, I love everything about movies. They suck you out of reality for two hours, at least that's what good movies do. I really do have a passion for it and I am creative as hell. I don't mean to sound obnoxious or arrogant.. but the closest thing I have to a true talent is my imagination. I've always had it. I've always been able to go into my own world to escape the hell I've been in. But now in high school I realize it's not just a hell of a good imagination you need to become a movie screenwriter... you need a degree from a well-known film school. And to get one of those I need to get into that film school. And to do that I need to have amazing SAT/ACT scores and exceptional grades... things I don't have. I am pretty smart. I'm in honors classes and I do extracurricular ****, but I don't have what it takes to get into a USC. So I'm just ****** future wise. I'm not stupid. I know there are lower schools I can go to and work my way up, it's just... I don't think I have the talent or the looks or the social skills to make that huge of a move up in ... Hollywood... I've chosen a super hard career path and I'm not the greatest. And yes, I'm stubborn as hell... so I will not settle for anything other than writing.

 

So all in all. I just can't stand life. I can't stand people. I can't stand my home. I can't stand myself.

I've been hurt for years beyond repair, I've screwed myself over for the rest of my life, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I haven't been happy since last summer when I saw Sam and even then mom would come and pick me up each night and tear that happiness to shreds.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS **** ANYMORE!

It's a hell of a good thing I'm scared of blood... or else I fear I would've picked up on the ever popular cutting...

 

 

 

...

I guess I'm sharing this because I want to know if there ARE other people that have to put up with this **** on a regular basis... and I know there are people out there that have worse things happen to them and are way worse off... but I have been verbally abused by everyone my whole life and I just don't know if I can take much more.

Please.

Help.

This is my last call out. I truly hope that someone out there can help me somehow.

 

Sincerely,

J----

LovelyTeenageAngst LovelyTeenageAngst
13-15, F
Feb 23, 2010