Depressed And Confused

My mom has always been one to work morning to night. Sometimes I'll call her and she wont answer and Im left alone for hours and when she calls back she wont let me know where she is because she thinks its some kind of overpowering thing. She hits me if we are fighting, like tonight she didnt want to upset my grandpa or wake him up (11:40 pm) and shes arguing with me about not answering my phone and when I got home...I took a shower and was about to go to sleep. She came home telling me that shes been looking for me for 40 min and how she doesnt ever want me out late EVER again. I was playing my sport, what I realized has keeped me alive for so long. It helps me forget my pain. Ive always thought about suicide, although it was getting better before tonight. I have been bulimic before, Ive stopped that though. Theres so much to tell... She just hit me becuase I said 'shut up' which I know I shouldnt have, but its so hard when shes saying so much and wont let me talk. Then she hit me because 'im talking too loud and will wake up my grandpa' then she closes my door and yells at me more..then hits me again. and at this point i just cant take it.... i feel helpless and hopeless. so I drop to the floor and i cant breathe right because im crying but im trying to hold my breath so im not too loud and so i dont wak up my grandpa. I cant stop crying and shes probably sleeping perfectly right now. Im just reflecting on how shes NEVER here for me...for hep with college forms, my sport, or volutneering at the hospital. then she gets mad at me when i dont do these things....theres no way I can do it without her signature, approval and i need to talk to her about the money. there is soo much and i dont know what else i can say right now
sorryforlove sorryforlove
Jul 9, 2010