Love Or Hate???

Okay my mom is actually pretty good and fairly supportive.  But she is a neurotic perfectionist with anger issues, and sometimes really annoying and weird.  Not like I don't have my own issues.  I am easily annoyed, clinically anxious and self hating, and possibly anorexic.  Apparently our personalities always clash, causing conflicts that end in me hyperventilating, sitting in a corner, and mumbling random things to myself while my mom interprets it as blackmail to make her think that she is responsible for my breakdowns.  Now when I get nervous I feel trapped, because I'm afraid to share my feelings.  If I tell my mom what I'm scared of she says, "I don't even want to hear this!!  It is an irrational fear and I don't want to hear you constantly feeding it and making it worse!"  Now when I get kinda insane I'm always really uncomfortable because I know I can't let it out.  I usually have to run into a bathroom and stay there for 10 minutes.  It usually happens at night and wakes my mom up, so she yells at me and forces me to sleep in the same bed as her which is getting creepy for me.  I mean, I'm 13 years old!  I can sleep in my own room.  When I wake up in the morning it's not much better...  My mom is what I call a chanting mother...  She chants nonsense at me all day.  When I finally get angry she shouts.  And it also ends with me hiding in the corner, yes?  My mom is also really weird and embarrasing sometimes.  Even though it is completely irrelevant to me, she goes and randomly says to me, "So do you think you're gay?" or "Just so you know ************ is fine."  And I'm all, mind my texting, "WTF?"  (I am a girl.)  It's really creepy and now thanks to her all sexual words make me really uncomfortable.  Even though she exposed me to that type of stuff really, REALLY, early.  I would give anything to be like my friends, innocent and unaware.  I learned about sex when I was four.  I saw **** for the first time (by accident of course) at age SIX!  I learned about sex abuse at age 7, and even creepier things at age 11.  I will not even mention them.  When my mom is mad at me, she literally tells me, "You go suck a *****!"  Isn't that weird?  She hasn't abused me, maybe slapped me once or twice, but otherwise I'm not being hit or anything.  Most of her anger at me is unleashed verbally.  Like when I'm really mad but don't want to destroy the furniature or other people, I hit myself and pull my own hair.  She said one time, "Hit youself harder!"  It was because I spilled a glass of water.  She also told me I would grow up to work at McDonalds, even though I am an art and dance PRODIGY!  She said it because I didn't want to take a ceramics class.  And now, lucky me, I essentially have to be right by her 24/7 because we just started homeschool. 

But somehow, I love my mom!  We don't always get along but that's because we're really close.  But she supports me a lot in my life goals, and I know that she just is stressed because she wants the best for me.  I'm pretty grateful.
CrystalStream CrystalStream
13-15, F
Aug 8, 2010