My mother never loved me. To most outsiders, they would think she was perfect. I mean, she had four children, my youngest sister being adopted, my older brother going to Oxford, younger brother excelling in school and football, and me? Well I was just plain.
That's probably why she treats me the worst.
See, my mom has Aspergers. She may not admit it but Aspergers is hereditary and my brother has it. Im pretty sure her's is pretty severe. She often lashes out at us, and once hit my brother until he bled, why? What did he do to make her hit him like that? He dropped a tub of lotion on the floor.
She never brought me to do anything mother daughter like, although i wouldn't want to. She would've found anything to made fun of me anyways.
When you've been stepped on since you were a toddler, you become extremely insecure. Thats what happened with me.
She use to call me names, first starting with 'stupid', 'idiot', 'moron'. They don't sound bad now, but as a five year old girl, and you've been told those are bad bad nasty words that should never be said in school, and to be targeted them by the person you looked up to the most in life, it was heart breaking. I learnt to hate myself, and to rely on materialistic things to be happy.
As i grew older, she called me a '*****', a 'selfish ****' when I was thirteen. I hadn't even kissed a boy yet.
I've had a passion for music for the longest time, my mom use to tell me to shut up and my voice wasn't as good as i thought. The problem was, I didn't think my voice was good at the time anyways. I sang in front of my family in hopes that they would tell me it sounded nice. It never happened.
Growing up insecure, all I ever wanted was to fit in. My older brother had aspergers, so when dealing with my mom he took it differently and become over confident. To be honest, I don't know if that has anything to do with his condition, but my mom then thought she helped him get to that.
I was always sensitive. If you said the slightest thing , I would take it the wrong way. Now, seeing my brother so confident, I always tried but couldn't do it.
As my brothers confidence grew, my mom decided he should try acting and he became a star. He performed in many plays and was even interviewed in newspapers.
I remember when she started forcing me to. I was six I think, but the real awakening didn't happen till later. She put me in speech competitions but i never won.
I was ten. She made me join a competition. It was to read a poem, a sad one. I practised for ages, wanting to make her proud, but when I went out, according to her I was smiling. I must have been doing it unconsciously, because i gave it my all, only to be beaten when I got off the stage. You don't know what it is like, to be beaten in front of other people by your mother, and then she blames you for making her embarrass herself in front of everyone. When you have to walk home with your mom dragging you by the ear, and everyone staring at you like you're either a monster of a child, or a charity case.
Now you may be wondering where was my dad. Oh i had a dad, he was just a wimp. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. He was the only one that encouraged me to continue my love for the arts, but he was scared of my mom and NEVER stood up to her in my life.
Because of all this, all my older brother and I wanted to do was to leave home as quick as possible. So we begged our mom to send us to boarding school. My brother got into a prestigious local school, and I went to a far away school to board.
I am now fifteen, and I have been boarding there for a year. It has made me grow in a way, because I feel a lot more confident, though it would take a lot more to overcome it completely. When I go home, I try my best to be strong and think 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' as as I grew older, my mom beat me less, although she still would if she got mad.
Maybe everything my mom did was for a good cause, you know, making me do competitions so i could have something on my resume, or gain confidence, and deep down I still love her, because I can't stop myself, but i would never forgive her for robbing me of my childhood.
Because of her, I am messed up and always craving for a bit of love.
FullyReloaded FullyReloaded
18-21, F
Aug 19, 2014