Well, Not Entirely.

I'm not yet married. However, I already consider my boyfriend's family to be my in-laws because it's like I'm one of the family. I really don't have a problem with his mom... yet. She's been so nice to me, and thankful that her son found a decent girl who isn't a cheating ********. I'm in college and I'm responsible. She likes that. However, I know the tables will turn when we move into our own house and have children someday. She is the type of tough love enforcer that lets me know that there won't be one of those sickening, borderline-****** situations between her and my boyfriend, but she is VERY opinionated and not afraid to speak her mind.

(I'm going to call boyfriend's mom, FMIL, from now on)
(His brother will be FBIL)
(His sisters will be FSIL)

The main thing I'm scared about is if we have children. My FBIL has a daughter. When she was born, FMIL immedately told the child's mother (because the couple had separated), "You will not keep this child from me, grandparents have rights too!" That might sound harmless to you, but she's far from harmless. They have money, and lots of it, which they will not hesitate to shell out on a lawyer to fight for visitation rights. Of course, FBIL's ex girlfriend doesn't have to money to fight them in court, and I certainly do not. So, every other week, FBIL's ex has to send her three year old to spend the weekend at FMIL's house. FMIL has seizures and stuff and is heavily medicated at night. I'm not sure I'd be comforatble letting my child go over there every other weekend for overnight stays. But, like I said, when it comes down to it, FMIL will use her money against anyone. I can't compete. If I marry my boyfriend before we have kids, it will be different. But, if we break up, I'll have hell to pay, I'm sure. Don't get me wrong, I would never keep my kid from it's grandparents, but a couple hours' visit will not suffice for this woman.

My FSILs are both ridiculous. One of them, I was really close friends with for a while, but she turned out to be a complete pathological liar. She used me relentlessly for months, leaving me broke, and feeling betrayed. The other one is psychotic. She has psycho attacks on FMIL. She is a drug dealer, and got my boyfriend arrested for HER drug dealing, pretty much ruining his life (for now) and throwing a huge wrench in our relationship. I cannot stand her.

I can just see my life being "high drama" if I marry him. His sisters and his cousin, who his parents pretty much raised, are the types that will pretend to be your best friend, then go talking behind your back. His mom is like that too, I've seen her do it to her OWN daughters. I could imagine her dropping in at my house one day and seeing dirty dishes in the sink, or dust on the shelf, and going back to fuss about me to her daughters.

I always prayed I'd meet a nice orphan to spend my life with, because I'm not a fan of family drama. I like to keep to myself. I don't associate with my extended family AT ALL, for the same reason. I've seen my uncle's wife suffer for twenty-two years just because she married into my family. I don't want to be her!
urbrandofheroin urbrandofheroin
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2010

Hey there...<br />
I just read your post and I just thought I should let you know, I am working on a new documentary style TV show about families dealing with the types of issues you describe here. It will be airing on a major cable network this coming Spring/Summer. ba<x>sed on what you've written I think your family could really benefit from participating. It's a really positive show that aims to bring families closer together! I would love hear more about what your dealing with and tell you more about this new series. <br />
Please feel free to get in touch with me directly,<br />
<br />
Amy<br />
amy.cummings@leftfieldpictures.com <br />
212 564 2607 ex: 2339

You need to weigh your options. It all really depends on how much you love and want to spend you life with your BF AND IF he's able to cut the cord with his mother. The whole money/financially dependent thing is tricky b/c if she's using it to manipulate others, she will most likely use the same tactic with her son and you. It sounds like you are very aware of the situation you could find yourself in with his family. I always recommend the book, The Emotional !ncest Syndrome. My MIL TRIED to use whatever means she could to wiggle her way into our lives and decisions, luckily for me, my husband was well aware of what his mother is capable of and using finances to manipulate his siblings, so he never let her flex that dangerous power over us (which drove her crazy). In the end you two must be a unit or she will succeed in coming between your relationship and (future) family. When we had a child my MILs claws came out full force. I don't understand that, you'd think having children together would say to them that there is permanance and commitment in your marriage, but to these women it means that they need to try ever harder to rip your love and marriage apart.