Time To Give Up???

Well, I'm still around.  My MIL is still irritating the $#!^ out of me.  They were up a few weeks ago for vacation.  Of course, they had to come stay as close as possible to us, without actually staying with us.  Thank goodness I found plenty to do to keep me busy, so as to not have to run her around.  She still managed to show up unexpectedly, call all the time, make comments that I'm fairly sure were about me when I was outside ( I only caught the tail end, but I have a feeling it was something to do with my weight gain over the last couple of years, and she stopped talking as soon as I came back inside).

While they were visiting our house, MIL took a tour of the renovations we'd been doing.  When she came back downstairs, she started telling me how I should move my plants, turn them, blah blah blah.  I got aggrivated enough I had to get out of there, and I left to go to the store for a while by myself. 

The week after they left, my husband and I took a trip to my mom's house, about 20 hours away.  My MIL was nice enough to loan her truck to us, since we were bringing some furniture back from my mom's place. I was nervous about it, but made sure to dote on her all of our thanks and when we returned, hand washed the truck before we did the vehicle swap back.  However, during the trip, she called constantly.  She was always wanting trip updates when we were driving. Once at my mom's house, she called every night with something to do with the dogs (they watched our dogs for us too...I wanted to board them locally, DH wanted to let them watch the dogs...he won).  Every night was a phone call about something.  Every night, DH would step outside and have a 20 minute conversation with her.  We get to see my family...maybe once a year. She wouldn't let us have 5 days without her calling constantly.

She's started back up with us "checking in" when we go somewhere.  Anytime we get home, we have to call her to let her know we're back.  The worst was when I went down state for some training.  I got back home about 9pm.  The next morning, while DH was in the shower, his cell phone beeped.  I saw he had a text message so I opened his messages so I could tell him what message he got.  When I opened his messages, I saw that he had texted her at 9:10pm, letting his mom know that I got home.  DH and I fight all the time about having to check in with MIL.  I haven't checked in with my mom since I was 20 years old and moved out of her house.  He's almost 30 and not only is he still doing it, he does it for me now too with her.  For me, it's a control thing.  I want to be in control of who knows where I am.  I don't need a keeper and neither does DH.  I think this is going to be a battle I'm gonna give up though.  Just like I gave up the boundry line of no phone calls or texts after 9pm, it kept happening, so I folded and quit the game.

I'm starting to see it's not worth fighting over. I'll just shut my mouth and bend to her will.  I'll get pissed off, lock myself in the closet and have a good cry.  Then come out and move on as best as I can.  I'm coming to realize that she's always going to call in the evenings and DH's always going to placate her and reassure her that he still loves her, even though he didn't call her on the way home because he decided to call me instead that day.  Then reassure her that he does want to talk to her even though it took him 3 rings to answer the house phone because we were taking a nap.  She's always going to stop by, unannounced if she's within an hour radius of our home.  She's always going to require that we act like 16 year olds out with the family car at night and do nightly check in's with her.  DH is always going to hang up the phone if he's talking to me and she calls.  I'm tired of trying to fight for an independent marriage, away from her infulence.  It's making me depressed and making me fall out of love with DH when he doesn't stand up to her.  So I'm going to stop expecting it.

 

Brokenandtired Brokenandtired
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I'm sorry to hear this is still going on for you. <br />
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Don't give up! Your happiness is just as important as hers is and it's worth fighting for. Throwing in the towel will only make you miserable and resentful in the end so hang in there, you deserve a happy marriage. <br />
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Your husband and the relationship he has with his mother sounds very much like my husband and his mother. We fought constantly because he wouldn't tell her no and wouldn't enforce boundaries with her. Even once he did start to enforce them we had a few relapses because she slowly starts back up and when it's not constant he would take the stance that it was only 1 time and not worth all the drama involved to say something to her. It never fails though, if he doesn't say something she sees that as her all clear and it gets worse and worse until we are right back where we were. <br />
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You need to get him on board to compromise with you and stick to it. I know that's easier said than done and for us it took marriage counseling. We would make compromises and work together for a solution with no problems, we were both happy with the decisions we made, but when mommy started boo hooing and making him feel guilty he would back down every time and not follow through with our agreements. It was maddening! She was doing nothing but using guilt to control him and get her way and it was destroying our marriage because I was always the one who was let down and disappointed. I felt like the other woman in my own marriage! I could fight with him all day long and tell him his actions were hurtful and wrong, and I think he knew that even as he was doing it, but it never changed. For him it was easier to disappoint me than her because he knew I would get mad and we would probably argue but that we would move on together. His mother on the other hand he knew would turn her back on him until he begged her forgiveness and put the world at her feet. This all came out during our counseling and gave me a world of understanding into the dynamics of what was happening, all that time I thought it was just because he didn't give a damn about me but it turned out it was because I was the better person and he knew he could count on me. It didn't change though until he had our counselor also holding him accountable and telling him he was ******* up our marriage. I had told him that for years but it didn't sink in for him until he heard it from someone else as it was happening. He ended up spending a lot of time there by himself to work through figuring out why he allowed his mother to have so much control over him and the damage being raised by someone so controlling had done. It was so bad that he was 100% incapable of making a decision on his own. If I wasn't home he couldn't even decide if he should make PB and J or grilled cheese for lunch and would call me to ask. It always concerned me and often irritated the hell out of me but I never knew why. It was because he never made a decision of his own as a child and never learned how to. All of his decisions were made for him and the first one he made on his own was marrying me. He was constantly reminded of their disappointment with that decision too which was just more manipulation to control him. <br />
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It's been about 3 years for us since we started the counseling and started the process of taking control of our own lives. It's been a long road, especially in the beginning, but it was worth every bit of it. Our marriage is stronger now than I ever thought it could be and I have seen my husband become a more confident, independent person. He's moved up at work which was something he told me for years would never happen because he didn't think he was good enough. I always knew he was and that he just needed to find the confidence within himself. He did once the barrage of negativity from his family stopped. He makes more decisions on his own now and doesn't call me freaking out when I'm not home and something needs taken care of. Most importantly he tells his family no and if they don't like it then that's just too bad.<br />
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You and your husband can do this. I know you can! I never in a million years would have dreamed my husband and I would be where we are today, I honestly thought when we started counseling we would be told and immediate divorce was in order. We made it through though and if we can do it anyone can.

Brokenandtired, I share in your situation. It's really a devastating blow when you lose your life partner to meddling in-laws, as they can't see beyond their mothers. I speak from experience. I too am hurting but have promised MYSELF to get over it. Once you do make the decision, don't turn back, no matter how much grovelling someone does. You shouldn't have to feel 'taken for granted'. Can I suggest two things to you?<br />
1. check out this blog, www.howtosurviveyourmotherinlaw.com and look for Survival Tip #13. I don't know who the owner of the blog but she has some good advice there..<br />
2. Listen to Carole King's 'It's Too Late' and read her lyrics. Also, Don McLean's 'Castles in the Air'. Two good therapeutic songs helping me over my situation.<br />
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Best of Luck to you.