Am I Making A Mistake?

My story may be a subsection, not quite matching up with the criteria of all you married folks, but I can find no better place to share it. You're all older and wiser than I am, so perhaps your take on the matter will give me strength... or prevent me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

I'm a twenty year old girl, and I met my boyfriend online. Very lame, I know. We both love to write and met on an online fantasy forum. He was initially involved with a friend of mine from New York, but things fell through when she pulled out to get back with her ex, and through many conversations and plutonic attempts to comfort him... he fell in love with me. Initially I didn't want a relationship, or to consider anything of the sort. I felt it was wrong because he'd been kind of involved with my friend, and at first I chose to deny that I had any feelings for him.

This lasted about a week.

I love this man to death. He gave me the strength to leave an abusive relationship I'd been caught up in for 5 years, and he and I have been together for just over a year and two months now. We met for the first time about 7 months after beginning our 'long distance' relationship.

Perhaps I should clarify long distance. I live in ON, CA. He lives in NC, US.

We spent the weekend together at a festival, where I got to meet many of his friends in a very tranquil yet thrilling environment. It was the absolute best time of my life, and we fell so hard for each other that he asked me to marry him on the second night. It was crazy. It was insane. It was perfect. Absolute strangers would approach us, speak with us and declare us 'soul mates' upon seeing how we interact with each other. Anyone who met us would have said we belonged together, and though the start to our relationship was an odd one, the people were shared it with found it to be it's own brand of love story.

After a painful day of consideration, I chose to miss my flight home and extend my stay. We couldn't bear to be parted after such a short time together, and he assured me that his family would welcome me into their home and be thrilled that he was so happy.

....As you've probably guessed, this was not the case.

His father was very polite and welcoming, given the short notice, and to this day hasn't said a bad thing about me. My boyfriend sent a very tactless text to his mother saying that I would be staying with him and that we were going to move out and get a place soon, which was the start to the most horrifying experience of my entire life.

When she came home, I greeted her with my brightest smile and my hand extended. I said "Hello ____, I'm _____. it's a pleasure to finally meet you!

She faltered for a moment, surprised, and seemed to hesitate... before barreling on with her initial plan.

The first things out of her mouth were "Y'all need to sit down." So, we did. For the next hour or more, she proceeded to speak as if I wasn't in the room, telling my boyfriend that he didn't love me, didn't know me, and should be out dating tons of girls. That he isn't ready for a monogamous relationship, and every now and then she would try to cover up how awful she was being by referring to me as "this nice girl" before proceeding with her objections. She did everything from make our situations sound absurd and odd, some kind of bizarre and unpleasant anomaly, to talking him down in hopes that I'd lose interest, to talking him UP in hopes that I'd think he was too good for me, and eventually she began to name girls from his past that she claimed he had cheated on me with. Things we had already discussed and overcome. When I didn't budge or burst into hysterics, she began to cry and went to her room, where my boyfriend followed to console her. I went upstairs to wait.

Eventually he came up to me and said we had to take things a little bit slower, and that his mother had promised to be nice once he told her that he loved me and hoped to marry me some day. She'd apparently forgotten this the following day, when she came home with a very gaunt and murderous expression.

While helping his father make dinner in the kitchen, I overheard many things that were being said to my boyfriend in the living room. His mother was calling me a stranger, accusing me of being a runaway, saying that I came from a bad family and was trying to get pregnant. She made any number of entirely fabricated assumptions, though she had no knowledge of me as a person and no access at all to any personal information of mine. Eventually, I heard my boyfriend say "If she lived in NC and you thought she was beautiful, you'd like her" to which his mother responded "Yes, I would."

I was so offended by this superficial, nationalistic statement that I went into the living room and said "I don't really appreciate you discussing me behind my back like I'm some sort of pariah" to which she said "I don't appreciate you being in my house when I don't know you, so get the **** out." I said fine, and went upstairs to pack my things. When I came back down a short while later, her and my boyfriend were screaming at each other with his father in the middle and his sister sitting idly by. She mouthed to me that I didn't have to leave after I'd thanked her and her father for their hospitality, and as I grabbed my shoes and turned to leave out the back door, his mother said "Yeah you get out!"

I snapped. I dropped my things turned around and, possessed by fury, yelled "**** you you ******* *****! You're disgusting!" All hell broke loose. His sister flew at me over the couch pursued me into the dining room, where she grabbed me by the arm and the throat saying "You need to get out the same way you came in." His mother flew at me and clawed my arm open before his dad had the chance to restrain her, and I fled the house and stood out by the car waiting for my boyfriend. Eventually all the yelling came outside, and I was called a ****, a ***** and any number of terrible things for hours until finally she retreated into the house. There was a lull in which my boyfriend spoke with his father, and then his mother came back outside holding a butcher knife, saying "Where's your *****, I'll put her in the ground." She threatened my life numerous times, threatened to call immigration and tell them that I'm "Osama Bin Ladin's love child and I'll never be allowed in this country again". PS, I'm a young, white, dark haired girl with blue eyes. Not really middle eastern terrorist-spawn material. 

Eventually she told my boyfriend to choose between me and her. He said he wasn't going to choose, that it was a different kind of love, and she said "Maybe if I sucked your **** you'd love me more." She proceeded to insult us both, wailing and having conniptions, and I couldn't help but wonder how she had a job in the legal field, or how she wasn't committed to a mental hospital by that point. None of the neighbors had called the cops; perhaps they were afraid of her, or fights around their home were a regular occurrence, I'm not sure.

Eventually we left with his dad, he apologized for everything and told my boyfriend to go somewhere safe with me because I'd been put through enough. His mother called him and Facebooked him daily telling him to come home, that she would get him mental help, that I was a *****, ****, c**t, stranger, freak, troll, crazy and a variety of other foul labels that I'd done nothing to deserve. She wore at him and wore at him, which very much spoiled our time together, and when I'd gotten another flight and left a couple weeks later, he broke up with me a couple days after because of her. For months we argued and tried to repair the damage, and every time she found out we'd gotten back together she did all she could to destroy it, and did. Many times. The last three months have been wonderful, however. She's found out again about a month ago, and my boyfriend has been strong. She's cried, been angry, hit him, clawed him, disowned him, kicked him out, disconnected his phone and tried to manipulate him with whatever she had at her disposal. None of it has worked so far, but I can tell that it's wearing him down, and I'm afraid that I'll lose him for good this time.

A few weeks ago, she told him that she didn't care anymore and that he might as well get a passport and come live with me, and that she didn't want him under her roof any longer. She didn't realize he'd see this as a good thing, and since he told her he plans on coming here, she's been hounding him none stop. She stole his camera, interrupts our Skype calls to beg him to leave me, she's hacked his facebook and blocked and deleted me from his account, and the list goes ever on. It's getting worse and worse with every day that passes, and getting a passport will take a few weeks. He's been unemployed and in school up until a few weeks ago, and it's hard to find employment without a degree or some sort of inside connection where he lives. I'm currently between jobs, and we presently have no way of speeding the process along. I'm afraid that the time it will take to get him here will be too much, and that I'll lose him because his mother is bat **** insane and despised me relentlessly since first meeting me 7 months ago.

I want to be with him. I love him. I can tolerate her hating me, but I can't tolerate her hurting him and putting him through this for the rest of our lives. I can't tolerate her alienating any children we may have because of her hatred of me. I can't tolerate her calling the police on me, or laying any kind of false charges to try and get me deported should I go there to stay with him. She's dishonest, manipulative and cruel, and I'm genuinely afraid that she'll have some sort of psychotic episode and seriously harm either my boyfriend or myself if we ever cross paths again.

I may be young, but I'm very mature for my age and very unique. I know I'll never meet anyone else with this much in common with me, coupled with such explosive chemistry. We complement each other perfectly, share life goals and passions, and the few things we don't have in common are things we make up for in each other; what I lack, he has. What he lacks, I have. It really is a perfect relationship. The only problem, aside from the distance, has been and apparently always will be his mother. She told me I would never be a part of her family, and she'll do whatever she can to enforce this one way or the other.

She has me blocked on Facebook, so I haven't had the opportunity to try and reason with her myself, or even apologize for my outburst though I hardly feel I owe her one. I need some advice.
thatawfulgirl thatawfulgirl
1 Response May 12, 2012

First of all, you have to realize that there's a lot of hostility directed at you evil Canadians and your ongoing insidious plots to take over our country, so cut her a break on her Osama's love child comments....Okay, not really, couldn't help it, it's such a funny part of your story! <br />
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So you're young but mature? Then take the mature approach to that whole mess - moral high ground, walk away. Don't ever contact any of them again. Forget FB, and forget "reasoning" with any of them. Nevermind the rude behavior and name calling - they're violent and unreasonable! If you and the BF end up married, private ceremony elsewhere, they're not invited. If you end up having babies, just stay away! God forbid another assault/battery results in serious injury/miscarriage. Zero to sixty is a disproportionate response to events, and they've been watching too much "Jerry Springer". (If it doesn't air in Canada, google it. It'll look familiar!)

Jerry Springer was the first thing I thought of when I got over the shock of it all. Thank you for your approach, and I agree with your suggestions about keeping to ourselves, but I know this would put a strain on our relationship and make things difficult for us.