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She Is Unbelievable

Well I never thought I would have to use a site like this but I am so glad I found it. Here is my story: I have been with husband for almost 8 years, married for 6, he has twins that are 17, that live with us full time, they have been with their father since he & the BM split when they 1, she pays no support and lives out state, Thank GOD! They were never married. However, I am step mom #2, I know what was I thinking???Anyway when I met his family, I thought to myself wow, this is great, everyone is so nice and greeted me with open arms and they seemed like a close family. Yeah they are close all right, there is my MIL, she 3 sisters and the favorite niece I will call "Bully" and they see and talk to each other I think literally everyday. Which sounds great right, I thought so, until my private life became everyone elses business.

Bully is my husbands cousin they are 4 months apart, at first we got along good, she was in our wedding and we were in hers. We had some good times in the first years if our marriages. I should have known that this family was nuts when they got together almost every weekend, and we would drive an hour to see them, I and of course have to spend the night if alcohol was involved, I can remember one summer being there like 7 weekends in a row. I should have ran then. Any way MIL and I always got along pretty good, she seemed genuine when she said she was glad her son had me. But she did and still does call her son everyday if not everyother. It has really gotten on my nerves , does this woman have a life of her own, NOPE. I am 41 and my husband is 37.

Well 3 years ago, Bully & I started to have some issues because well she is a bully,overbearing, always has something to say, and most of all took things that I confided in her and told my MIL. Which it felt completed violated that she would do such a thing. Now in the mean time MIL has a BF of 50 years and her daughter (I will call Jaba )and she is like a daughter to my MIL. We started to hang out with them and Bully was not having it, she became jealous and spiteful and all the while my MIL is taking HER side because she is wining to her that she doesnt know what she did. My husband took an opportunity to tell her what she was doing and how her actions and comments were straining our relationship, you would think she would get the hint, nope she is what she is, and lets just say that I don't speak to her at all anymore even at holidays.

My MIL finally realized she wasn't gonna get her way and that I wasn't budging. In the middle of all of this me and Jaba had a fallen out and that gave my MIL a whole new situation to harass my husband about. Since all of this has happened, MIL has to constantly when ever I see her, she has to always bring  up one or the other, talk about just not getting the point, why would I want to hear about either one of them, they are not a part of my life just to give you more of a background, last year I emailed my MIL, and told her that she cared more about "fixing" those situations than my feelings and that I had no plans to reconcile with either of them, and because Bully was a member of the family I would not put myself into any uncomfortable siutations which was always when she was around.

Can you believe this woman still has to make the comments. She has no respect for me or my feelings and it has really strained my marriage. The straw that broke the camels back was Mothers Day weekend, Jaba was having a b-day party for her son, and MIL was going, Jaba is not a part of our lives at all, although for appearances acknowledges my step kids, puts b-day and xmas cards in our mailbox,(she lives around the corner) her mother probably makes her, anyway, the twins were not invited to Jaba's kids party but I knew MIL would try and bring them, she did last year but they were at a sleep over and then she got mad because they didn't go over, HELLLOOO they were not invited why would they! So after a few hours sure enough MIL calls from Jaba's house wanting to know if the one twin wanted to come over and eat ( the other was grounded) After 15 minutes she calls again and my husband finally told her no she wasn't invited. I was furious for gods sake the woman was coming to our house after the party so why ask her to come and eat, Because she wanted her there to have the control. I ended up leaving my own house because I did not want to see her when she stopped by. My husband told her why I left, and if Jaba wanted them why didn't she put an invitation in the mailbox??

He also told her that I didnot want to hear all about the party because she would have done that too, she is so predictable. I have told my husband that I do not plan to attend any future family functions because of her and if she wants to visit I will leave. That's how fed up I am with this woman. We had another fight today because yesterday she wanted to see the twins for their b-day and she never bothered to tell him that she was in deed having a memorial get together with the family and of course Jaba & Bully would be there. I had no plans to go and had a feeling she would do this because Jaba didn't put a b-day card in our mailbox for them. Jaba and her mother & father, Bully and her mother & father all gave my husband the cold shoulder, I told him why don't you point that out to your mother. Again I told my husband that his mother was ruining our marriage because she just won't stop. The family has created her to be this way and they tolerate it, I do not and will not tolerate her BS any more. I am his wife and I told him he has to get some balls and tell her to back off and get her own life and stop trying to run ours. The kicker is she won't, he has had several arguments and he has told her it is what is is and to move on, but she just won't stop. Now I want nothing to do with her or any member of his family. Between her and my stepkids, my marriage is hanging by a thread. Now she can suffer the consequences for her actions. Thanks for letting me vent.

twinstep twinstep 41-45 3 Responses May 26, 2008

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I feel for ya, babe. But I have to say that I think you're feeding into their immaturity. You seem to be kind of fixated on getting your MIL to understand your point of view. For starters, it should be obvious by now that's not going to happen. So why frustrate yourself continuously by trying to achieve the impossible? 2ndly, what does it matter? Your relationship w/ Bully & Jaba are YOUR BUSINESS. If they're giving your husband the cold shoulder, there's no need to point that out to your MIL. There's no need to explain yourself to her. There's no need for her to see your point of view. Those are your relationships, not hers. However they operate or don't operate has to do w/ you/them, not her. And sure, she's taking sides but hey, you keep trying to fix her in a way she keeps showing you she's not willing to be fixed. That's not smart either, now is it?<br />
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My 1st piece of advice to you is to start screening your calls. If your MIL is calling you from somebody's house every 15 minutes to try to force attendance of your step-daughter at a party, then DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. Let her call all night. That's what caller id and voice mail are for. Decide how frequently you're going to contact her to keep in touch and the rest of the time, vmail, baby. <br />
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When she brings up Bully & Jaba, placate her until you can find an out in the conversation. If she's yapping about them while she's on the phone w/ you, do the broken record, "That's nice. I'm glad they're doing well. That's nice. I'm glad they're doing well" long enough to walk yourself to the front door, ring your doorbell and then say, "I hate to cut this short but someone's at the door. Gotta run, bye!"<br />
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If its a face-to-face conversation, smile & nod a couple times then excuse yourself for a bathroom break. When you return, bring up something else to talk about. And everytime she switches the conversation to those two, smile, nod, one civil response followed by changing the subject entirely. If that fails ya look down at your watch, give the 'ole, "My lookit the time! I'm late for that thing!", make like a tree and LEAVE.<br />
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This has continued to escalate because they have continued to get a rise out of you. Leaving your own house because your MIL is coming over? Ridiculous. That's YOUR territory. Use it to your advantage. Manage her visits strategically. Like w/ my MIL. I do NOT invite her to our home unless there's going to be a group of people there. A crowd "dilutes" her enough to keep me sane. Plus, I'm busy playing hostess to everyone so its difficult for her to corner me in an uncomfortable conversation.<br />
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Be strategic about the amount of time you spend w/ this family. If they've got a get together coming up but you just saw them last weekend and you don't want to go, DON'T GO. Honey, I've got a laundry list of "prior commitments" I pull out of the 'ole back pocket when need be. Develop your own.<br />
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Be smarter than them. Right now the tail's wagging the dog in this situation and it does NOT have to be that way.

I can't say I blame you one bit! I have not seen my inlaws (the evil MIL) since the day before Christmas Eve when we had our BIG nasty confrontation fight (MIL loves to fight)! I've barely seen his brother or his wife anymore. (They've made it obvious, that they've chosen sides-the MIL's). It still somewhat bothers me that my MIL has managed to turn his side of the family against me and of course she plays the victim role and cries to his brother that I broke her family apart. (Yeah...right, she's been trying to break my marriage apart since day 1 and before we got married!!!) God! There were warning signs that she was a nut job before we got married and I did not pay any attention to them!<br />
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I really feel bad for my husband to be in this situation. That his mother refuses to grow up and stop playing manipulating games with everyone, especially with her son and I. The upside is that, he is now closer to his stepfather (MIL did not want both sons to be close to their father or stepfather at all) and our marriage is ten times better because we focused on us. Of course, we've been to marriage counseling for a few months. We don't talk about her at home. He doesn't want to gossip about family members and has repeatedly mentioned so to me and of course his mother. (That was the big reason why her and I had a huge fight, I was getting tired of her talking nasty about everyone in the family and my family, including me and of course she talked trash about my husband). <br />
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She's the type that will have no problem confronting you, but if you confront her, she will lie, lie, lie and tries to turn it around on you that you're the one with the problem. She is the most insecure person I've ever met! She's told my mother and I that she didn't like my bestfriend, who is this gorgeous Indian girl (she's dating my BIL's bestfriend, whom my MIL has a crush on) because my bestfriend dresses too sexy! Yeah, right!!! Jealous much?<br />
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Like I said, I know you are in a very, very difficult situation with your husband and MIL. The best advice I can give you is ignore her and have very little to do with her in general. Let your husband know that your marriage is your first priority not your relationship with his mother. The 2nd that follows, would be your children. I truly believe that if you ignore her, you WILL have less drama to deal with. I know you've mentioned that she plays games with the twins....having their pictures and not giving one to you guys. Well, start playing her games right back! You guys are the parents! You should take pictures that she doesn't have and of course when she sees them and asks for a copy. You say, I'm sorry we don't have anymore copies. Basically, you are always going to have to be one step ahead of her games in order to control her antics and manipulations!<br />
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I hope this helps!

I feel for you, I am sorry that you are going through this. These MIL's are all the same controlling and negative. Take your power back from them! Good luck to you, if you have time read my stories, my MIL and SIL (also Bullies) no longer run my life! I hope your situation gets better-do not tolerate their abuse anymore!