Run Away Bride

Hello,

I am about to get married in three weeks but I am freaking out.  I hate my fiances family!  My fiance knows about it & I don;t want to jilt him at the alter but I don't know if I can commit to a life in which I will not have a loving family to be a part of.  You see my own family lives states away from where I have lived with my son who is 5 now.  I have raised him with out hte help of my family and I hope through that hard time that one day I would be able to share in a loving family.  When I found my fiance he was more than a dream to me.  His family was a nighmare!  His mother a religious zealot and pro life activist, has held a hostile and hypocritical relationship with both of us since we met.  She spent her life encouraging women to forgo abortions & have children & has judgeed me fromthe day we met.  I am not good enough for her son in her eyes & she is so mad at him for being with me that they hardly can speak to eachother.  The worst part is she deines it.  She always says she has no porblem with me yet she kicked him out of the family the day after we moved in together, and wouldn;t let him see his younger siblings as a punishment because she says we are living in sin.  Eventually she let us come around the family together, for a while she would try to lure him over her house without me to make comments to break us up,like sking him if I was secretly a prositiute!?!  He was obviously enraged by that.  She kept a relationship with his ex girlfrined & would visit with her & they would cry together about how he is with me & not her.  Mind you they were 19-21 when they dated.  She has isolated me form her children and has not allowed us to devlope a relationship.  We got engaged on family vacation because she & his father said that wew should just get married if we are going to live together.  Here they were just testing him & thought he would leave me instead of get married because they never took us seriously, like he was only in this for a good time with his *****.  Well he jumped on the idea thinking they actually supported us and he proposed.  His mom nearly died, no she could barely stand up when we returned to tell her we were engaged. By the next day she told us to not come around anymore and deserted us in Italy.  We had only our plane tickets home & no where to stay for a week.  We were heart broken & have never recovered form that.  Then my fiance began law school & we moved farther away from them.  She has been sick most of the year, we arrive at holiday dinners as late as possibly & she goes to bed as early as possible.  They fight whenever they talk.  We have all suggested she get counceling but she refuses.  Then she invites us out to dinner & appologizes & writes him a check to help towards law school, we were ecstatic thinking we would finally be excepted. She said it willnever happen again.  Then her sister died & we spent a lot of time together and everything was fine wiht us.  She was very close with us for the first few weeks after her death.  Then the night before my showe (which I didn't know at the time) she starts freaking out while we were at her house.  She tells us no one will come to our wedding in her family & spirals down from there.  We left the house in tears because we knew she was back toher old ways again.  The next morning I go to meet my aunt for tea & it was my shower.  My mother in law , my maid of honor, her daughter, & my two bridesmaid her other daughters dhow up an hour late.  They don't appologize or say anything to me.  I was mortified.  alll of the guests were commenting that it was unacceptable & innexcusable.  The day was ruined.  My fiance calls her to ask her what was wrong & asks her to appologize.  She cracks up laughing at him & hangs up on him.  We didn't talk to her for a while, & his father said she was going to talk to a DR.  So we stayed away for a while hoping she would get help, our weddign quickly approaching.  Then she starts calling my fiance & asking about the wedding & making suggestions. She told us not tho have a slide show but rather run one on a lap top in a seperate part of the ballroom incase people don't want to watch it.  Hello? WHo at our wedding wouldn't want to watch it?  She has to be insane, so then she tells him she is not going for counceling because she feels fine.  I just lose it then because I can't continue to keep my  mouth shut anymore.  I had alwasy acted respectful & taken her digs, I have never stood up to her before because I wanted to get along so bad. I didn't want to make it any worse by giving her a reason not to like me.  She actually said at our engagement party that my greatest quality is that I never say anything to her when she makes comments to me about how I need to change my clothes, the color of my sons room or whatever else she thinks of.  So I finally just break & I get on the phone & I tell her I can't take it anymore that I might put off the wedding & that I just want to have a loving relationship with her.  She says that she will not tell me she loves me or respect me.  So I am just at a loss for words.  I refuse to keep being treated with no regard. They don't allow me to feel welcom, loved or accepted.  With my family so far away, I just don't know if I will make it.  I cry all the time & we fight whenever she calls because I hate the things she says & the way she portrays me.  I can't be myself, I feel trapped & stifled in my life with my fiance.  I have helped him overcome ADD, a drug addiction & get ranked top in his law school in the padt 2.5 years I have done more for him than anyone is willing to realize.  His family needs to respect me for the ways I have improved their son& brothers life & stop looking at me like I am wrong for him.  THey hate me because I have fake boobs & blond hair & I have a child.  Regardless of how happy I make their son. I am 27 & I work so hard in my life & I am running out of energy to keep going & supporting my fiance without any support or love from them.  I am scared to walk down the isle in three weeks because I am afriand with out the sdupport of his family we are going to end up divorced.  Please give advice, anyone, because I don't want to lose the greatest person in my life.  I am afraid I am robbing him of a better life becasue this problem wiht his family isn't going away & is robbing him of his family. I just want him to have a great life, a full life and family is so important to us.  I don't know how we are going to make it with out a family to belong to.

shattered shattered
26-30, F
10 Responses Apr 28, 2007

This story is similar to mine....<br />
I am from Trinidad and my mother in law disapproves of me i have even been put out of her home while visiting twice<br />
she prefers another woman for her son and will do anything to get him to marry her instead<br />
this situation requires patience <br />
i am to be married in two months and i know it will only get worse<br />
but i console myself in the fact that he has chosen me, he was not forced or cornered to do it, he loves me and for this i am greatful <br />
nothing can stop him from making his decision to spend the rest of his life with me<br />
even if his mother tries to belittle me and bring me down<br />
the personality i have is up for the challenge, i love a good fight!!!

Hi 'Shattered',<br />
<br />
I realise your posting was ages ago, but I thought I would wish you all the best with what went on with the wedding. I can definitely say that you should be grateful that you are not related to them by blood! I have family that aren't psychotic in that way, but they do have a lot of issues with my fiancee. I was involved in a series of domestic violence issues (caused by my brother), and resulted in legal action. My boyfriend (now fiancee) came over straight away, and a few days later (after putting up with it for years), I moved out. My parents then took the initiative to ring my boyfriend's parents, and tried to persuade them to kick me out, by telling them that I have provoked every violent attack. When I contacted the police, they went to question my mother before arresting my brother, and she lied to the police (as did my brother), and unfortunately I didn't get to see their statements until we went to court. The court ruled in their favour, and made me sign an undertaking saying that I wouldn't be a threat to him. They have hated my boyfriend ever since this happened (they didn't like him much before that either!!!). They cut me off completely when I was in the middle of my degree. I had to quit, as I had no support what so ever, and I had to start working. After screwing me over completely (and putting doubt in the minds of my future parents-in-law) my mother then decides to want to become friendly again. Soon after this, my boyfriend proposed. At this point, we were struggling so badly with finances because my fiancee lost his job in the financial crisis. Right there and then, my mother insisted that I finish my degree straight away, completely disregarding the fact that I had just got settled in a full time job, and we were almost completely out of money, and had no means of travelling 8 hours to get to the university. After trying to explain this to her, she went and had a ***** to half of my family, saying that I was too lazy to finish my degree, got my grandparents to give me a guilt trip, and then threatened that if I didn't get it done at that very moment, she wouldn't pay for the wedding. In saying that, we were happy to cover it anyway, considering it was an offer made by my father earlier. My father wanted to arrange a date to get things started, and meet my fiancee's parents, and she has deliberately made plans for every single weekend for the next two months, and won't let us book in a date in case something else comes up (which she has managed to do so far). It is quite distressing, and annoying because that only gives us a few weeks to plan everything before our engagement party, and considering we have people coming from all over Australia, and possibly overseas, it is incredibly unfair to not give them any notice. Anyone who has a problem parent, I completely understand when it comes to weddings. My fiancee gets snickered at whenever he goes over to see my parents. The first couple of times, I tried to keep the peace by saying to him that it was normal, and that they were always arrogant (which they are!), but then when I started sticking up for him, I got some pathetic lecture saying that he was trying to break up the family, and that I could do better.<br />
<br />
It's a shame there are so many psycho mums out there. <br />
<br />
To all the psycho mums (and dads) out there who know exactly what we are all talking about, at the end of the day, you have no one to blame but yourself! If you keep pushing and pushing, you will lose your kids, so show them some respect, welcome their other half into the family, and cut the bitchiness, because it's their life, not yours!!!!!!!!!!

honey although your mother in law is truly from hell don't let the love you have for your fiance ruin that! yes it is tough and you have to put A LOT more effort into it, it can work.. my fiance and i fight all the time! his mother medals in everything we do...they have comments regarding everything we do but never offer to resolve anything! just the other day they were in our new home decorating to their liking...my fiance stood back and let them!! so if anything know that mother in laws from hell are everywhere but its the sons & daughters that need to STOP it! and ur soon to be hubby seems to be trying...<br />
stick it out, screw her~ you don't need it!

so ... ??? i think we're all dying to know what happened ... i am anyway ... your wedding day has come and gone right? what happened? i hope all is well your way and my best wishes to your with your marriage and this 'situation.'

As all of the rest of us have commented, I am amazed at how this closely resembles my situation. Your MIL will never stop. I have to commend your fiance for standing up for you. My fiance has hardly done that. He just simply writes it off. Forget about your in-laws. Especially that MIL of yours. Don't be scared to walk down the eisle. I'd marry the man that stood up against his mother for me. I would definitely make a quick run for the alter to marry the man that would choose me over an obviously crazy family. And especially have the guts to cut them out when they are being awful to you. This man loves you enough to make you his number one woman in his life and that's truly every woman's dream. Congratulations to you and your future husband!

i cant believe how much your story reminds me of my own. i too have craved a relationship with my mil and sil. i put myself out there over and over again. i came to realize that they're selfish people and i cant make them like me. all i can do is be a good wife and mother. I have learned in the last couple of years that the more i let it get to me..the harder they dig. you've told her how you feel and that is all you can do. my advice is to not show her that she matters. that may sound harsh but people like that need to see your reaction in order to feel like they're "winning". they like to see that they're hurting you. thats how they feel good about themselves as pathetic as that sounds. if you ignore her digs and pretend they dont bother you then she cant win....it drives people like that crazy and you come out the victor. by all means, vent to anyone else that will listen..thats what your husband and your girlfriends are for. i hope he's at least defending you...it took a lot for my hubby to finally step up to the plate but when he did i knew that we were going to make it regardless of their sabotage. love him and be the best wife and mother you can be, in the end that is all that matters. it also helps to surround yourself with friends. they can sometimes be all the family you need. what makes them better than family is that you choose them to be in your life, you dont have to beg them. good luck to you!!

Dear Shattered,<br />
<br />
Your soon to be mother in law and sister in law sound so much like mine. I have been married a little over a year and I knew how they were before. Somehow I lied to myself, I told myself it would get better after we got married and they would have to accept it. They didn't end up accepting it and I ended up getting sick of the lies, comments, and insults. I Stood up to them and now we haven't been attending family functions. My husband has no backbone and I am left alone to defend myself. He is sad because he is apart from them, they still call and are just as involved as they ever were. when we do fight it is about them and I am always left on the other side of the fence. She doesn't treat him great either but for some reason he wants a relationship with these people. My advice to you is....this will be your life after you get married, nothing will change and you can't make him stand up for you or your marriage. If you are strong enough to put up with it more power to you ...I don't know how much longer we will last do to the strain of the family. D what you feel is right, don't get married till you know that things will be as they should be and don't settle for "Okay" it is not good enough. You stand up for yourself...stop worrying about them liking you. You need to start pleasing yourself. Good luck and I hope you will write me and tell me how you are.

Ultimately, your fiancee will have to make a choice. Now what that choice is, who knows but it will come eventually. <br />
<br />
You cannot force the choice and either he will grow a backbone and stand up to his mother or he will not. And sadly to say, you really have no influence on if he will or won't stand up to his mother.<br />
<br />
You do however, have the choice to marry this man with this mother-in-law and know that their may be problems with her in the future. Think holidays, family celebrations, and kids, all of these will be potential battles in the future with her and she will rear her ugly head at every given opportunity. <br />
<br />
Sit down with your fiancee and simply tell him what you have chosen for yourself. So if you choose to say, "I love you but I will not have a relationship with your mother because.... and from this point on, your mother is your issue." then say that before you are married. So when future stuff happens, he was fully warned.<br />
<br />
Develop thick skin and protect yourself. You cannot change your fiancee and/or his mother but you can change how it affects you. Good luck!

My God, woman!<br />
Wake up to yourself. This will not end - ever.<br />
Your future mother-in-law will continue on this path as she plays out her soad opera at every ones expence.<br />
Ask yourself this question (I think you already have): Can I live in peace and harmony while this ***** is in my life?<br />
If the answer is no then skip town.<br />
From reading your letter, if the answer is yes then you're lying to yourself.<br />
You're 27, get out and have fun with a family who will love you.

OH MY LORD,<br />
<br />
First please forgive me for my ranting but your story is heart breaking SIMPLY because your soon to be mother-in-law has a serious problem, NOT with you, but perhaps because her little boy is getting married and instead of being a good mother and being ECSTATIC for him and the happiness he has found with you and your son, she simply sounds pathetically SELFISH!! Damn she makes me mad!!<br />
<br />
This is repulsive, sick behaviour. <br />
just my opinion but PLEASE do not let her STEAL the happy life you and your fiance are about to committ too. <br />
<br />
I ALLOWED my family to steal my happiness and just recently, 45 yrs later, realized that there wasn't ANYTHING i could do that would make them happy. They treated me and my now EX husband like hell because i ALLOWED them too. If i had put my foot down earlier i have no doubt that i would still be happily married!!. <br />
<br />
Years ago i left my family for 5 years, it was hard and painful but i had no choice. STUPIDLY my desperation for their approval, i let my gaurd down and inch by inch they returned to my life only to destroy it AGAIN. <br />
<br />
I have recently COMPLETELY disowned them, as the way they were treating me lead me to believe that i wasn't a good person. Well sadly my mother pushed me too far about a week ago and for me that was IT. i nolonger have a family of origin BUT i have my self respect back, my self-esteem and energy beyond belief that they had been draining from me, due to me incessantly trying to get their approval and love. <br />
<br />
SHE has the problem and it only becomes yours if you allow it. CREATE a family of love, who cares if they are blood related!!<br />
Decide NEVER to talk to her again under ANY circumstance until she gets help, if she doesn't her loss. <br />
<br />
Let your fiance deal with her, if he even cares too, and quite frankly he should give her the same ultimatum!! THEN you have left the door open. REFUSED to be abused and no one can ask you to do more then that!!<br />
<br />
She's a VERY SICK person who needs help, but no one can force it on her. IF the 2 of u stick to ur guns, she MIGHT eventually do what she should do AND if she doesn't then SERIOUSLY she really doesn't love her son. <br />
<br />
You and I are both mothers and if either of my kids asked me to do something for them, i would do it, even if i didnt want to because i LOVE them.<br />
<br />
Get your fiance to tell her NOT to come to the wedding because she is NOT welcomed!! Then wash your hands of this SERIUOSLY disturbed person, create your own family and start your loving future with the man who not only LOVES you but also LOVES your child!! <br />
<br />
She is not deserving of either of you and you would not want her hidious behaviour around your child or the ones you will soon be BLESSED with? You will NOT be losing a loving family from his side, because this women obviously does not know the meaning of LOVE!!<br />
<br />
OK, i'll stop ranting now, sorry if this offends you or your fiance in anyway but all i see is a vicious jealous women who does not want to be happy and therefore does not want ANYONE else to be happy!!<br />
<br />
HAVE AN AMAZING WEDDING DAY and PLEASE keep me posted on how you are doing, please add me to your friends if you want, i would truly be honoured!!<br />
<br />
Take care, Trish